Show and Tell Friday.

If you can believe it, this is a picture I actually took. It was on our honeymoon back in September 2004, the day after J and I spent a night on Tivua Island (also known as “Honeymoon Island”).

The night before I took this picture, J and I were the only occupants of the island (with 3 staff members to cook us dinner, of course). We spent the day snorkeling the coral reef just off the coast of the island. We watched the sun set and took a ton of pictures. We shared a romantic dinner on the beach.

And then, with cold beers in hand, we sat in those chairs, looked for the Southern Cross, and discussed our hopes about our marriage and life together into the future.

Of course, we never found the cluster of stars we were looking for, as we were facing the wrong direction.

But no matter. It was gorgeous, and one of the greatest memories I have of that whole vacation.

When we got back from our honeymoon, I put the picture on my desktop. As we headed into winter and my busy season at work, it reminded me that I had been relaxed in a place of inexpressable beauty.

And now, it reminds me that even though we probably will never have a vacation like that one again, it’s important for us to continue to focus on our marriage. To make sure that we stay true to the hopes we had for ourselves that night on Tivua Island in Fiji.

Sometimes? When I look at that picture, I can feel the sun on my skin and smell the sea air. It is by far my favorite picture I’ve ever taken.

Book review: The Working Woman’s Pregnancy Book

So I was supposed to post this yesterday as part of the MotherTalk book tour, but I totally forgot it was my date. Woops. Here goes anyway!

It was a total trip reading a pregnancy book after having a baby - especially one like this, where it really focuses on the work implications of being pregnant. Having been in the labor room, waiting for my c-section with my blackberry in hand, frantically emailing clients and colleagues that I was having Baby O early… I was curious to see the advice Marjorie Greenfield would give to women like me.

Overall I thought the book was pretty good. I loved how she had quotes from real women peppered throughout the book - that was my favorite part, really. I found myself skipping through the text to get to the next comment, which was interesting to me. I suppose I’m just the type of person who puts more stock in real people’s real life experiences, versus reading what a book or doctor tells me. (Thus the reason I’m a blogger, I expect.)

I will be honest here too. I’m a veteran infertile. And for me, the first few chapters were tough - because I’m many years beyond the whole question “are you ready for a baby?” And her chapter relating to infertility was too focused on the “relaxing” part for me. As much as I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, I really just had a hard time when I read a quote like this “Here I was forty years old… and I freaked out and went to a fertility doctor… two days later, I missed my period; I was already pregnant.”

Of course, she DOES make an excellent point in her infertility chapter - that so much of getting pregnant is playing the odds and statistics. And for a lot of people, infertility is more subfertility than the inability to get pregnant at all. But overall, the chapter insinuated much too much “relax and be patient and it’ll happen” then I was comfortable with.

Once I got past the early chapters, though - the book really opened up for me. I loved how she dealt with telling work about a pregnancy and all the issues that come along with it, figuring out options for maternity leave, and deciding what to do about your career after the baby comes - a topic which is at the forefront of my own mind right now, given that I’m out on my maternity leave and have to figure out what our lives are going to look like when I go back to work.

I also liked how she gave the medical information in a very straightforward manner - it was factual and objective.

Overall I thought the book was an excellent guide for a working woman who is pregnant or is trying to get pregnant - just not for an infertile. The book deals with every aspect of being pregnant and discusses all of the options and decisions that go along with having a baby. It not only has real people with real world examples, but it’s a real cross section of people who discuss their experiences.

My own personal test of the quality of a book is whether or not I’d recommend it to my friends. And yesterday, after hearing from a college friend that his wife was pregnant and they were trying to figure out their options for working once the baby comes… I recommended that she read this book.

Random thoughts.

Puck’s tests all came back normal. There’s no biological reason why he’s peeing on our rug. So the vet suggested kitty pro.zac, tinfoil over the area where he’s peeing, and moving his food to the area. We’ve done two of the three she suggested, and it’s been three nights in a row where he hasn’t peed in that area.

Course, our carpet freaking stinks there, so we’re going to have to do something with it. But I’m hopeful we can curb his behavior over time.

***

Supply is funny. I went out last night with my friend J for dinner. I got home in time to nurse Baby O before bed from one side. When I pumped for a full 15 minutes afterwards, I only managed 3oz. Which was weird, since it had been 5 hours since I last pumped or fed Baby O from my right side - I should have gotten WAY more than that.

So I panicked that my supply was dwindling.

But this morning? I pumped 4oz in 5 minutes. Only 15 minutes after he was fed. Without issue.

And I realized. Baby O takes a long nap at night before bed - he feeds a LOT in the mornings. Of course my body wouldn’t produce as much at night when he doesn’t need it.

It’s pretty amazing how it works.

***

Speaking of breastfeeding, I realized yesterday that I have a STASH. Not only is Baby O exclusively breastfed, but I have 20 feedings in the freezer right now.

It’s so crazy. I really never expected that I’d be able to breastfeed.

Course, I never expected that I’d have a kid, too.

***
So as you can tell from the picture, Baby O is starting to smile regularly. It is amazing how much I needed the feedback from him.

I think I’m afraid my kid won’t love me or something.

(Can you say ISSUES?)

But it’s so great to start to see him become more interactive.

***

I’m not sure what’s happened over the past few days, but it seems that things have gotten easier somehow. I’m starting to feel a little more in control of things; I have strategies to accomplish stuff during the day.

Like did you know that Baby O adores his bouncer? Means I don’t have to wait until he’s asleep to shower - I can put him in his bouncer and bring him into the bathroom with me. Also means that in the morning I can get some dishes done and have breakfast without having to eat with one hand.

Which is great. It’s really the little things which give me a sense that yeah, ok, I can handle being a mom. Being able to do something like EAT or shower when I want is a really big deal for me.

***
Baby O has his 2 month appointment with the pedi on Monday; and he’s getting his bevy of shots. I’m preparing myself for a fussy afternoon on Monday and morning on Tuesday, and will be using some infant tyl.enol on him before and after the appointment.

I also haven’t yet heard from the office as to when he’ll see the pediatric orthopedic surgeon. Hopefully I’ll get a date and time when I’m there on Monday.

2 months. Where did the time go? He’s going to be crawling and walking and going to school and dating and going to college before I know it.

Wordless Wednesday: It really is worth all the work.

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Cat pee update.

Baby O was a bit fussy yesterday, so I didn’t get a chance to get out for a second litterpan. Instead, last night we put down tinfoil over the plastic bag in Puck’s pee place.

We let him sleep with us last night, despite our desire to lock him somewhere where he wouldn’t pee. Mostly because he spent the day huddled under the kitchen table, and I thought he was stressed enough to pee elsewhere. And I felt like his usual nighttime routine would be a good thing for him.

So he slept with us last night as usual. When Baby O cried and Puck jumped down off the bed, we watched him to make sure that he didn’t stop on the landing.

And this morning, though there were kitty footprints at the edge of the foil… there was no pee.

Thank you, thank you for all of the suggestions. We are going to talk with the vet today, but from what I’ve researched, the most aggressive option is to lock him with his litter box and food in our downstairs bathroom while we eradicate his scent from the carpet (exactly how we’re going to do that is still to be determined, right now we’re using the Na.ture’s Mir.acle product which seems to do a decent job), then reintroduce him into the house.

It’s a very good strategy, but I’m worried it will be for naught if he’s still not used to the baby.

And frankly we haven’t really spent much time getting him used to Baby O yet; there’s been no real introduction, as we figured he’d just come around when he felt comfortable. So I think it’s a good idea to get them acquainted.

I suppose I can’t expect him to get used to such a big change in only 2 months, right? I’m still working through the adjustment, and I have logic and reason. He doesn’t. We just need to be patient and hope that he does eventually adjust to having Baby O in the house.

In the meantime, I know I need to be better about giving him some positive attention. He no longer jumps in our laps to snuggle, so I need to seek him out to pet and kiss him. It’s hard, but there’s no reason I can’t work at it to make him comfortable.

I hope.

I really hope we can get him to stop.

I guess we’ll see though.

Can’t teach an old cat new tricks.

So Puck has had… ummm… issues since we brought Baby O home.

I admit he’s always been pretty spoiled. In the 11 years I’ve had him, he’s slept with me every night. I’ve gotten up at ungodly hours of the morning to feed him when he meows. And Puck’s approval of my boyfriend was on my list of things a guy needed to prove in order for me to date him long term.

He’s been my needy affectionate loving cat for years now. And an ONLY cat, too.

So when we brough Baby O home, I expected that he’d retreat to his safe places in the house and sulk.

I didn’t expect for him to start peeing outside his litterpan.

Which he did, literally a DAY after we brought the baby home. And again the week after. And then a couple of days later.

And now it’s become HABIT.

His favorite spot is on our brand new carpet on the stairs. On the gorgeous, not-even-a-year-old carpet we had installed last July.

And thus the battle has been trying to a) get the ungodly smell of cat pee out of the carpet, and b) make it so that he doesn’t go there again.

For the smell, we’ve tried a pet urine neutralizer, which seems to work well. Except he keeps going there. Again and again, we’ve found a wet smelly spot every couple of days. We’ve tried everything - put furniture over the spot. We’ve given Puck extra attention. Have been really good about keeping his own litterpan clean - I scoop it daily and replace the litter weekly.

To no avail. And this weekend, it got worse. Saturday night, when Baby O cried, Puck jumped off our bed and went downstairs. We found a wet patch of carpet the next day. Which we neutralized.

So last night we put down a plastic garbage bag over the offending area. And when we woke up this morning? There was a yellow puddle on the garbage bag. So J cleaned it up and put a new garbage bag down at about 5:30am.

By 7am… there was ANOTHER puddle.

I called the vet and made an appointment with them tomorrow for him to get tested to see if it’s a physical issue. Which I doubt, but we need to rule it out.

In the meantime, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I closed the living room pocket door and the door to the study so he can’t get to the stairs today. (He’s currently huddled under the kitchen table.)

And I’d lock him downstairs overnight, except I’m afraid he’d pee on something else in the house. At least his spot is KNOWN, right?

It’s only going to get worse as time goes on and Baby O starts to be interested in him. And then when Baby O crawls. And then when Baby O walks.

I am at my wits end and am actually considering the unthinkable- getting rid of the cat. Giving him away to a home where he’s the only cat. Because I have to think that the level of stress which is causing him to pee in our house isn’t good for HIM either, you know? And he deserves to live out the rest of his life in comfort and peace.

But Puck has been my only constant since I graduated college. And it breaks my heart to even contemplate giving him away. But we’ve literally tried everything to get him to stop.

I love my cat, but we can’t continue to live like this.

So that’s my newest stress.

If you have any assvice, I’d love to hear it. I know that we’re going to have to rip out the carpet and do something different with the landing. We’re talking about installing hardwood. But I’m not sure that it’ll fix the root problem - that we have a baby in the house and our cat is acting out.

*sigh*

On feeling like a mom.

I told you I was irrational and quite possibly insane.

So I’m going to chalk that last post rant as a result of the stupid birth control pill.

I’m better today.

But to expand a little… I have to be honest here. I don’t actually FEEL like a mother yet. Mostly I feel out of my league. Like I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’ve have had a FEW moments where I feel like I’m Baby O’s mom, though. Like the moment where the ultrasound technician told me I could pick up my screamy upset son, who clung to me and pretty much immediately calmed when I whispered “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

Or like the moments, where, in the middle of the night when he’s famished and complains through his entire diaper change, Baby O calms as soon as I lay him down on the breastfeeding pillow - because he knows I’m going to feed him.

So yeah. There ARE little moments where I feel like, yes, ok, I AM his mom.

But I’ll tell you. Mostly I’ve relied on other people to get me through the past few weeks. My sister in law, who loaned us a different bottle and gave us a gentler formula to try for Baby O’s gas. My friend D, who just last week helped me realize that some of Baby O’s fussiness might actually be a product of being overtired, and helped me figure that he gets tired about 2 hours after waking up in the morning. My mother in law, who let Baby O cry for 30 seconds during his afternoon nap, showing me that if I don’t immediately pick him up to comfort him, he’ll go back to sleep. My mom, who made me realize that it’s ok that babies spit up and it’s not something to completely freak over.

Now, see. I have always judged myself based on how much I know. I mean, for cripes sake, I have THREE advanced degrees, you know? This motherhood stuff - really I know nothing. I’m learning, of course.

But I’ve always seen moms as people who are CAPABLE. Who know what they’re doing.

And I’m telling you, I feel like I’m faking my way through all of this.

It’s still so early, I can’t EXPECT to be an expert at the parenting thing. And I’m sure that most new parents feel the same way I do.

But you’re right. I went through a lot to get here. I CONTINUE to work hard to parent Baby O - being a parent is a tough job.

And it’s my first Mother’s Day. So I am going to try to enjoy it. I’m going to let J feed Baby O from my freezer stash tomorrow morning so I can sleep in. I’m going to go spend the day with my mother in law, my sister in law, and other members of J’s family. I’m going to eat chinese food. And I’m going to snuggle with my sweet little boy and remember that he does love me most in the world. Even if he can’t really show it right now.

And I’ll still be thinking of all the women tomorrow who are still on the path to being moms… and hoping that they get to celebrate Mother’s Day very soon.

M-Day.

I spend a lot more time in front of the television these days; it gives me something to do while nursing Baby O. So I’ve seen probably all of the Mother’s Day commercials.

And I’ll tell you something.

I still dread Mother’s Day.

Since we’ve brought Baby O home, I feel like we’ve been accepted into some fancy CLUB of people who have kids. We’ve been invited to (and attended) kid birthday parties. I’ve heard from friends of whom I haven’t seen in years. And I’ve already gotten TWO Mother’s Day cards - neither of which came from my parents or inlaws.*

When I look at Baby O, I feel lucky to be his mom. I really do. My experience with parenthood thus far makes me really appreciate my own mother and what she did to raise me. (Which I didn’t expect. It’s really refreshing to appreciate my mom.)

But I still hate Mother’s Day.

I hate that it’s a holiday of exclusion for some women who would do anything to celebrate it.

I hate it like I hate Valentine’s Day - that it’s a Hall.mark holiday for the purpose of buying expensive gifts (remember, every kiss begins with K.ay and a diamond is forever and oh boy he went to Ja.red!) and flowers to prove your love and appreciation.

I hate how Mother’s Day makes me feel like I’ve done something remarkable in getting pregnant and having a child, when really I had nothing to do with much of it at all.

Clearly some scars of infertility remain. And I do know that I’m struggling with assimilating the whole “mom” thing into my own identity - I don’t really know who I am anymore. That’s a post for another day though.

All I know is that, this Sunday, my thoughts will be with the women who dread this “holiday.” Much love to you.

*I don’t want to give the impression that I’m not thankful to receive them. In fact, I’m touched by the cards I’ve gotten; that people are thinking of me on Mother’s Day. I think that, most likely, my issue is that I still feel like I’m faking this motherhood thing. And I dread the holiday because it reminds me that there are so many other women out there that actually ARE mothers, whereas I am pretending. It’s irrational and probably completely insane.

Some miscellaneous stuff

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about Baby O and the intensity of being a new parent, but I realized yesterday I haven’t really spoken about the physical post partum stuff. So here goes.

At 7.5 weeks post partum, my incision has mostly healed. It no longer gives me trouble - only gives me pain when I lay on my belly on our hardwood floors (to keep Baby O company when he does tummy time. I figure if it’s uncomfortable for him, it should be for me too). The scar is still very red and raised. But I’m not worried - from my experience with scarring from my b.reast re.duction, I know that it’ll take a while for the redness to go away.

Weight-wise, I’m doing ok, I suppose. During my pregnancy, I gained just under 30lbs - not including the IVF 10 I gained to begin with. The first 25 melted off within the first month after giving birth, but then I plateaued. Right now I seem to be stuck at 5lbs heavier then I was when I got my BFP - and 15 heavier than what I consider my ideal weight.

So, when people tell you “ah, you’re BFing. You’ll lose all that baby weight no problem!” don’t believe them. Because it’s a LIE.

Oh wait. You mean I have to watch what I eat and actually, you know, exercise to lose that baby weight?

Boo.

Speaking of exercise. Now that I’ve been cleared to exercise again, I’ve been trying to figure out how I can get back into working out. Truth is right now I can’t find the time - Baby O and I are still are working on establishing a schedule. And since he’s still not sleeping through the night, I tend to go to bed pretty early.

However. J did some research yesterday and found a gym that’s both on the way to his new job and close enough to home for me - AND it’s got a nursery. We’ll have to see how much a family membership costs, but both of us are excited about the prospect of working out again.

And it means I can gain an hour a day back for ME. That’s huge.

Body image-wise, I’m not happy with the way I look. I don’t fit into my pre pregnancy jeans yet, which bothers me. My stomach is covered in stretchmarks, and depending on the shirt I wear, I still look pregnant. Actually, I look like I did when I was about 11 weeks, when I felt FAT, not pregnant. Now that I’m NOT pregnant… well… I feel fat.

The good news is that I don’t have much time to ruminate on my body because I barely can carve out time to shower these days. But I do want to get some semblance of my body back - I’m not happy with how I look right now.

The other thing - my boobs are HUGE right now. Gargantuan. Massive. Elephantine. When I knew that I could breastfeed, I sort of prepared myself for the possibility that they’d grow to large proportions. But really. I am TWO cup sizes larger than I am normally. Monster boobs. Yeah.

But hey. I am exclusively breastfeeding, and have been for three full weeks now. Which I NEVER thought I’d be able to do.

And as a total aside, the best thing for us was having the pediatrician tell us to stop giving him formula. Up until that point, I was always behind a feeding; my once a day pumping session was being eaten. Exclusively BFing forces me to trust my supply. Which means I NEED to have the confidence to feed Baby O just after I pump in the morning. It was hard at first… but as of right now, I have 16 feedings in my freezer stash, and seem to be able to pump in the mornings without issue. Even when Baby O has his hungry days.

(I still hate pumping though. But I hate NOT pumping when I need it, too. So I continue to pump.)

I also took my OB’s recommendation and went on the mini pill. As ridiculous as it sounds, and as annoyed I am every night when I take it, the truth is our chances of conceiving naturally are low, but not zero.* My OB told me that getting pregnant again too soon might mean a higher risk of early term labor and/or a small baby. I have a higher risk of that stuff WITHOUT getting pregnant too soon. And since Baby O was born at 37 weeks and was just under 6lbs, I didn’t want to take the risk.

Still, though, it feels pretty damn ridiculous to take that stupid pill every night, when I fully expect that we’ll have to do another few FETs and maybe even a fresh IVF cycle to give Baby O a sibling. If we even want to go that far, mind you. I have no idea when and where and even IF we will go through assisted cycles again.

But. That’s a topic for another day, I suppose.

The good news is that my rib and back pain is GONE. Not so much with the heartburn; I never had it before I got pregnant, but I’ll tell you - I still need my Rola.ids. And once in a while I actually need my Za.ntac, too. I think it has to do with the extra weight I’m carrying; at least, that’s what I tell myself. “Once you lose all the weight, Serenity, you’ll be fine.”

We’ll see, I suppose.

So really. Other than the weight thing, I’m feeling pretty good about how things are going, physically, since I had Baby O.

And emotionally and mentally, well, I’m getting there.

*Yes, I know that the pill isn’t 100% effective either. But combine it with the male factor IF and BFing, and I’m almost positive it’s DAMN close to 100% effective.

Wordless Wednesday: Why my sister should be a mom.

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