Dreading tomorrow. *with an update
March 23, 2007
I know you’re sick of hearing about my pregnant sister in law. (Frankly, I’m tired of talking about her.) But tomorrow’s her birthday party. And not only will she be there, but her husband’s side of the family will be there too. K’s sister-in-law just had a baby a few months ago – so the talk will most likely be new babies and pregnancies. Good times.
But the thing I am dreading most? K’s mother-in-law**. We’ll call her D.
Before I go any further, let’s rewind to last April. To K’s wedding shower. At the time, it was just before my beta from IVF #1… and I was still recovering from OHSS. I was sore, bloated, and nervous that IVF #1 wouldn’t work.
Somehow I had the dubious honor of sitting next to K’s future mother in law. And at one point, K opened up a present that was wrapped in blue and pink tissue paper. And that woman would.NOT.shut.UP about how she had a dream that K had boy and girl twins. Over and over and over she’d mention it to people. I felt like I had died and gone to infertility HELL. And I couldn’t escape.
And then.
She turned to me.
So when are you going to have kids?
I couldn’t help myself. I threw back my head and laughed. At her. At the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. And I am not sure what I said, but I think she got the point.
Then.
But tomorrow.
It’s a year later. And I’ve just had a cancelled cycle. That rage, that anger at the unfairness of our situation sits VERY close to the surface right now – I can’t laugh about it. I clearly am very sensitive about my sister in law’s pregnancy.
And I don’t LIKE D.
So. I am very afraid of what I might say if she asks me when J and I plan on having kids.
I have been trying to come up with a response which satisfies my inner snarky bitch, but could also be taken as a joke if I said it with a smile. I can’t find one.
Any assvice or suggestions? Please?
I really want to be prepared in case she’s rude enough to ask.
**D does not know about our troubles; I am almost positive that K, nor her husband T, has mentioned it to her. My own mother in law, in her usual sweet way, has offered to pull D aside and tell her tomorrow, but frankly, I feel like if my MIL tells her, D might actually bring it up and discuss it. Over dinner. And that would definitely be worse than the “when are you having kids?” question.
Not to mention that she has no RIGHT to know anything about our reproductive history or plans. But that’s beside the point.
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1.
aah0424 | March 23, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Do you think that your sister in law has told her mom about your situation? If she hasn’t and she does ask you could always say, “Well, ya know that is a question I’d like to have answered as well!”
I’m not in a very snarky mood today, so I’m having a block. Give me sometime and maybe I can come up with some more stuff for various questions. I’m sure you’ll get some good stuff from others though.
Good luck with the party though, I’ll be thinking of you because these situations SUCK!
2.
Piccinigirl | March 23, 2007 at 1:34 pm
first, I wish you luck tomorrow because I can tell it won’t be fun. I would hate going and I hate that you have to feel all these feelings right now, you’ve been through enough this week. *hug*
um, I hate giving Assvice, because the mood I am in lately, if she asked me “what are you doing about kids” would be answered in the sweetest voice I have “are you talking about the needles, the cost or the dr’s appts? We are “doing” so much about having kids I’m not sure what part you want to hear about.”
take care of you tomorrow and know that all of us are with you in spirit and could vitually kick her A** if we need to. Hi-YA!
*hug*
3.
Lyrehca | March 23, 2007 at 2:01 pm
“When are we going to have kids? Whenever the infertility treatments actually succeed or we decide to move on to adoption. Either way, you’ll know when we know. And no, just relaxing, going on a vacation, or just having sex like most people do hasn’t worked for us, so don’t even bother suggesting those.”
Brutal honesty just might shut her up for good. Good luck tomorrow.
4.
theoneliner | March 23, 2007 at 2:16 pm
yikes, that’s tough. i don’t know what i would say exactly…but niceness in the face of insensitivity makes the insensitive party look like what they are. (versus saying something that makes you look bitter.) IMO.
good luck, whatever the choice of words.
5.
Tina | March 23, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Hummm… If you want to be rather vague and not get into the whole IF story, I like aah0424’s suggestion – a little snippy, but a sure sign of telling her to stop the conversation before it get’s “ugly.”
But, if you want to really shut her up for good, I like Lyrehca’s “Whenever the infertility treatments actually succeed or we decide to move on to adoption. Either way, you’ll know when we know.” That’s a sure-fire way to tell her topic if off-limits.
Good luck with how you handle this – personally, I would just make sure I made myself sit somewhere far from D.
6.
DMB | March 23, 2007 at 2:30 pm
I think I mentioned this when you were here, but my favorite approach was: “How about whenever is convenient for *you*? If you just want to decide and write it down on the calendar, but just be sure and let me know when you choose so I can be ready, okay?” I used something to that effect a couple of times, and I found it was something I could say in a totally joking way, but it still gave me the satisfaction of kind of a bitchy answer (since I’m not really good at doing a straight-up bitchy answer, even when a situation deserves it). Oh yeah, a couple times I also said, “Oh, I’ll be sure you’re the very *first* to know.”–made ridiculous because these people have to realize they wouldn’t possibly be the first to know.
Good luck tomorrow…I hope there’s some wine or something to help take the edge off!
D
7.
Thalia | March 23, 2007 at 2:33 pm
I’m not very good on the snark, so I’d tend to be terribly busy – making another pot of coffee, helping carry some glasses, opening a bottle of wine. When she appears you can just excuse yourself, “I’m terribly sorry, but I must just go and tell D something…”
Best I can do, sorry.
8.
OHN | March 23, 2007 at 2:41 pm
I AM a snarky bitch (but only to stupid rude people) and wouldn’t hesitate to tell her “as soon as my fucking eggs, uterus and all the other worthless reproductive parts of my body decide to work”.This would be best said when the entire party is not focused on your conversation but hell if she is crass enough to ask loudly and in front of everyone, GO FOR IT.
I am guessing she wouldn’t want to sit next to you from now on
9.
Sarah | March 23, 2007 at 2:55 pm
i agree she has no right to know. when people who don’t need to know ask, i give them a lame non-answer like “oh who knows, we’ll see” as non-chalantly as possible, and then i always feel stupid about it later, but at least i didn’t have to open my wounds for them.
and maybe this is a dumb question, but given the recent cancelling and everything, would it be possible for you to call in sick to this one??
10.
Bea | March 23, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Ok – first The Mantra. “It’s *hardly ever* as bad as I think it’s going to be.” (I’m sure you can make that sound snappier.)
Now, your MIL:
1. An honest answer, delivered straight, about how that’s a bad subject.
2. Raise one eyebrow and say, “Do we get to discuss your menopause next? ‘Cos if not…”
3. “Look! The Goodyear blimp!” (Duck and run.)
Otherwise, I’m out. Good luck.
Bea
11.
Susan | March 23, 2007 at 3:22 pm
I always like the throw-it-back-at-them technique. Something like, “You seem very interested in when I’ll have children.” Or, “I wonder why you are so curious about this.” Puts the ball back in her court and might just shut her up.
Or there is always, “I was just planning on stealing K’s.”
good luck. we’re feeling for you.
12.
LIW (Lady In Waiting) | March 23, 2007 at 3:23 pm
I like lyrecha’s advice a lot. I think that shocking her into silence may be your best bet because it will discourage others from asking the same question.
I have recently started to say, “When mother nature decides that she doesn’t hate us anymore,” or “when mother nature decides we are worthy.” Both are said with a touch of sarcasm, especially the second one. No one has figured out how to respond to that! They just kind of say, “oh” and move on to another subject.
Seriously, I am dreading this party for you as if I was going myself. I will say my version of a prayer for you, which means that I will send you loving thoughts throughout the day!
13.
Dianne/Flutter | March 23, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Serenity – I HATE THAT QUESTION. And the most effective answer was directed to an older Catholic woman – so she took it for what it meant.
“It is up to God, not me.”
She backed off from touching my stomach and asked if I knew that she wasn’t trying to be offensive. I told her, I understood both. (And then she went back to Granddaughter’s stomach with the baby which started the whole escapade.)
So, maybe you vary it up. It really worked gorgeously.
14.
katd | March 23, 2007 at 3:35 pm
I think maybe this situation is best dealt with using violence.
Could you smack her and just walk away? 
No great assvice here, but you’ll be in my thoughts.
15.
AdirondackJen | March 23, 2007 at 3:37 pm
OMG, that sucks.
Assvice (or just a funny story): My friend T – most of her friends and sisters are married with one or 2 kids, and are bringing it up all the time. T and her hubby M have been married about 16 months. Anyway, T, with a beautiful smile, shiny hair, Kate Spade purses, the girl’s a lawyer -she’s so put together & trendy it’s crazy.
Anyway, she puts on this honest-southern girl smile, looking all ‘I’ll tell you the truth’ and sounding full of sugar, she leans in but keeps speaking at full volume…maybe to embarrass the person a little, but she goes all drama-club on this chick, totally closing-arguments-style, genuine and convincing,and she worked all this into the conversation:
“As soon as I get through this round of rehab for booze – I quit the crack too – and M agrees to give up betting on horses, we’re gonna give up our swinging – even thought the Smiths and Johnsons will be DEV-A-STATE-ED…and give it the ol’ college try. Til then, we’re just enjoying being newlyweds!!”, with a big huge genuine, no kidding grin.
Oh, I wish I had that girl’s cajones. Can ya stand it?! Just sweet as pie, she says this. HA! OMG, she’s a ham.
Hoping all goes well for you.
16.
Cibele | March 23, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Hi Serenity,
Believe it or not tomorrow is my PG SIL’s b-day party too. I am not looking forward to that either. I can’t believe that 2 years ago I bough maternity clothes as a gift for her b-day and I can remember thinking that in my next b-day party it would be my turn to get “mommy gifts”. Now here she is again, pregnant. This time I refused to buy anything related to her super fertile status. I am getting ready for all the talk about how she accidentally got PG , how it will be life with 3 kids bla bla bla. I am sure I’ll get a “when are you going to have kids” question from somebody or when “are you going to star fertility treatments”? question, or a cheerful remark: “I am sure you will be next!”. If I had a baby for every time I heard that I would be a mother of many, instead of a mother of none !
I hope Mrs. D. stays out of your way and nobody will bother you with these kind of questions
Take care
((((((((hugs)))))))))
17.
Kath | March 23, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Dear Serenity, I can’t tell you how sorry and sad I am about your news. How crushing, how utterly unexpected that turn of events was. Please know that I’m thinking about you and hoping so, so hard that you get a break soon. This is too much.
Oh, the timing of this party. The horror of this scenario. I don’t know about innocent-sounding snark, but I can think of one thing that would make her feel just awful: if you let your mortification out just a little. Nothing stops a busybody more than being confronted with an obviously pained (silent) reaction, or even tears. I don’t know how you are under pressure (and this is awful, awful pressure), but if it were me, I may just feel compelled to use her insensitivity as a vent to let some of my pent-up feelings out. Or even, perhaps, to leave the party if it becomes utterly unbearable. It may teach her a lesson and allow you to breathe a little, too.
I’m so sorry, Serenity. Think of us all standing behind you at this party, handing you drinks and heckling the worst offenders.
18.
Erin | March 23, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Oh, what a terrible time to have to go to this party! D sounds like such an angel or maybe not. You could say something along the lines of “We don’t seem to have been given much choice in the timing.”
I’ll be thinking of you!
19.
Mands | March 23, 2007 at 7:52 pm
O.M.G! You guys are hilarious! I loved Bea’s suggestion!
I get faced with this one a lot, and the only way to avoid a full blown conversation about it is to say as politely as possible, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I would really rather not talk about it.”
(Insert sweet but very forced smile here) Then, turn the the other person next to you and start a new conversation with that person instead, say, about the weather or something.
After a moment of awkward silence, she will probably find some other poor unsuspecting person to harrass.
This is called the “IF Block Out Method” which I am thinking of putting a patent onto. Waddya think?
20.
Isabel | March 25, 2007 at 9:24 am
I liked the “smack and run” suggestion.
So far I’ve been speechless in the face of stupid comments. I’m thinking of practicing in front of a mirror.
Here’s one: “You have a booger in your right nostril. The bathroom’s that way.”