My weekend.

Thanks so much for the support and assvice about our next cycle and my parents. J and I haven’t determined yet what we’re going to do about it, but I have leaning heavily towards going ahead with our cycle as planned; parents be damned. Whether or not it makes them uncomfortable, this is our reality. And I don’t much want to put it off because it’s easier.

This weekend was a good one. J and I have finally finished painting our 2 story front foyer – we are installing new carpeting on the stairs and landing when we get back from Italy, and so we had decided to repaint the walls (I had first painted it a hideous pinkish brown color; now it’s a light toasted grey) and the trim (it was a yellowish off white, we’ve painted it white to match). Thus our weekends have been filled with painting for the past month or so.

But Saturday morning I left him to painting and I went and got a pedicure with my friend S. Though she’s currently pregnant with her second (converted IVF cycle), she was wonderful – we talked infertility only briefly when I brought it up. It was the best kind of conversation for me.

Saturday night J and I went to visit Heather her husband J for dinner. We had a great relaxed time just hanging out – and Little Girl is so darn cute. And a wonderful mellow baby – just content to hang out checking out the scene. We had a fantastic time with them!

Yesterday our focus was finishing the freaking trim work painting, which we did. Near the end of the day, my SIL and BIL came over, since they’re still looking for a house near us. We ordered pizzas and hung out for a while. I was immediately struck by how K has popped – at 7 and a half months she most definitely looks pregnant now. Big enough belly to fold her hands over it.

And of course, more and more of our talk is about when “the Bean” gets here. My BIL made a big show about how he’s missing his favorite author’s lecture and book signing because he has to be at a birthing/parenting class.

I know that I’m so very sensitive because of our circumstances. And I think that because I have really been ok with her pregnancy, particularly in front of her, she’s relaxed a bit and begun to mention it more and more. Not to mention the fact that the baby will be here in about 2 months, so she’s probably trying to get used to the fact that she’ll have a family to worry about. It’s a new reality for them, and so I don’t blame her for discussing it so much.

But every time she referred to “the Bean” I felt a little like someone kicked me in the gut. It was all I could do not to physically flinch.

And at the end of the night, when we were all standing outside, talking, I saw her start and put her hand on her belly. And a sweet smile grew on her face.

And she turned to me and said “Do you want to feel the Bean kicking?”

So I reached out and felt her baby rolling in her belly. And I said something to make us all laugh. And then they left.

And the grief hit me like a truck last night in bed. I cried my eyes out while J just held me and told me that it was going to be ok.

I want it so much, and I’ve been so patient. When will it be my turn?

The good news is that we’re going to Italy. Like TOMORROW NIGHT.

I need a vacation.