Well, it’s happened.
April 13, 2008 at 1:55 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 35 CommentsI’ve been wondering when this would happen, actually.
Today has been a tough day for me. I’ve been up since 6am with a squawking baby.
After being up a couple of hours in the night when he was awake and squirmy, thus keeping me awake.
I didn’t wake J last night to help me, other than a diaper change at 4am, because I wanted to give him a break – especially since he goes back to work at his new job tomorrow. And because he’s been so wonderful these past few days with the night feeding stuff; has taken a shift at night to help me out.
And this morning, after three hours of trying to calm Baby O, I found myself in tears, wondering: “Why the HELL did we want this so badly?” And I looked down at my baby… and felt frustration instead of love.
I feel vaguely guilty for even writing this. Because, shit. For three fucking years we tried for Baby O. And we went through SO much to get to this point. So many procedures. Heartbreak. Failed cycles. Et cetera.
And he’s beautiful. And defenseless.
So there’s this feeling that I need to be totally in love with our son all the time now that he’s here.
And for the most part… I do. I never expected I’d love someone as much as I love him.
But this is hard. I’ve not had more than 4 continuous hours of sleep in the past month – more often than not it’s about 2 hours before Baby O wakes me to eat. The sleep deprivation makes me irritable and irrational; so often I feel as if our baby sees me only as the milk lady who exists only to feed him.
And I find myself resentful of J, who is starting a new job tomorrow. I resent that he gets to go to work, to indulge in intellectual pursuits, to think about something other than what our son needs at a particular time. I resent that he gets to sleep because he needs to be awake at work. I resent that he still has time to indulge in his hobbies like website design, DESPITE THE FACT that his hobby is now centered around updating our personal website with Baby O pictures.
I can’t help but think longingly of our old Sundays pre-baby: coffee from Dun.kin Do.nuts and reading the Sunday paper. Meals without having to scarf food before the baby wakes up… or eating our dinner with one hand while holding Baby O with the other.
I try not to be resentful of the baby, but I confess, at 3am when he’s wide awake, and all I can think about is going back to sleep… it’s really hard for me NOT to think that he’s doing this on purpose.
God, I feel shitty writing this. It’s probably why I haven’t said anything before now. How is it possible that, on one hand, I could love my son more than I’ve loved anyone in my life before… and on the other hand, resent him and feel as if he has taken away my life?
Intellectually, I know that this is going to last only a few more weeks. Because then he’ll start smiling at me on purpose. And then one day he’ll start sleeping a bit more at night.
And then, it’ll be years from now, and I’ll look back with longing on these days where he was a warm snuggly bundle of newborn love.
Still, though. This is hard.
Probably the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
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Just de-lurking to let you know that everything you’re feeling is totally normal, and while it’s natural to feel guilty about it, there’s really no reason to….every mother goes through this phase (whether she admits it or not). You’ve got great perspective that it will get better soon!
Comment by Katie— April 13, 2008 #
I’m pretty sure I could have written this post nearly word for word early on. I had plenty of my “oh crap, what the hell have we done?” moments, and I felt horribly guilty for even thinking about that, but I think you really can see that things have turned out pretty well for us. It’s just so hard when you’re in the moment. I’ve said for quite a while that both BFing and being a mom are truly the hardest things I’ve EVER done, but there does come the point you reach where you say it’s worth it. (Believe me, I questioned that bit of wisdom for a while!)
It’s such an adjustment in so many ways that you can’t even imagine beforehand, no matter how prepared you may be for the changes. As you said, most of it is stuff that will change shortly. And no, Sunday mornings won’t be what they used to be, but pretty soon, they’ll be very special, too. I’ve been up since 7 a.m. chasing a 14mo around and I’m exhausted, but my god I’ve had fun today!
My best unsolicited advice I can offer is to ask for help whenever you can–both from J and from whoever else can help. They can’t read your mind as to what you need/want, and there’s no way you should feel like you have to do all this alone. Being a mom doesn’t mean that you’re a superhuman. And asking for help does not make you a bad mom…it just means that you recognize that it takes more than just a mom to raise a child. You’ll be able to pay it forward someday.
Let’s catch up this week when you can…
D
Comment by andbabybmakesthree— April 13, 2008 #
Something else I meant to mention is that it does stink quite a bit when you feel like you’re just the food source, but I have to say that I didn’t feel like that the whole time I was nursing. I also constantly reminded myself that it was just a temporary sacrifice in the big scheme of things. And I’m quickly learning that even though there were down sides to having the baby need me for so much, it’s also kind of bittersweet when they start to become more independent and DON’T need you for so much. You really do start to long for those early days at times. (Well, some parts. LOL)
D
Comment by andbabybmakesthree— April 13, 2008 #
You’re right, it will only last a few more weeks, serenity. It’s so much better when they start giving back… when I think about it, newborns are pretty boring! I remember saying to a friend that I felt like Jasper was a pet in that he only loved me because I was the one with the food. Obviously it’s not true!
Comment by Meg— April 13, 2008 #
I also want to second that what you’re feeling is TOTALLY normal and to offer some assvice on the sleeping thing. What has worked for me in terms of getting more sleep is learning how to nurse lying down. It took some practice (better to practice during the day when you can see what you’re doing and are a little more alert), but now when Margot wakes up at night, I just bring her into bed and nurse her and then we both fall back asleep. She stays in bed with us much of the night, which I know some people don’t agree with but I actually don’t feel that sleep deprived as a result. And you’re not physically getting in and out of bed all night. That, and taking the advice that everyone doles out of sleeping when she sleeps during the day. Which I know is almost impossible to allow yourself to do, but it does help. AND, it will get easier. We’re at the 3-month mark now, and it is much, much better.
Comment by Carrie— April 13, 2008 #
Yes, I remember those days. When I went through it I was staying with my parents while my DH was in another state starting his new job and settling on our new house. I felt such pressure to do it all and show my mom I could handle it. But there were days I couldn’t. I had trouble with latching and VERY sore nipples (like always cracked and bleeding kind). And there were a few times I burst into hysterical tears. There were moments I wanted to hand my long-sought son over to my mom and just run away.
What I’m saying is it is NORMAL to feel this way at moments. While you know this in your brain, believe it in your heart. And you are right, it will get better. And lean on J if you need to. He can let his new boss know there is a new baby at home and hopefully they will understand. You are in this TOGETHER. He’s a toughie, he can take it.
Soon it WILL be better.
Comment by Waiting Amy— April 13, 2008 #
Welcome to the club! It’s completely normal to feel that way. Just the other night, I handed my son to my husband and told him that I needed him to get the baby down, that I just couldn’t do it. Sleep deprivation is absolutely the hardest part, and it doesn’t help at all when the baby is sitting there, screaming his head off, and nothing you do is helping. It does help when they start smiling…but until they can really talk and tell you what they need, there are definitely still a lot of frustrating moments. It’s so hard having an infant. But it does get better…because if it didn’t, no one would ever think of trying for a second.
Comment by Shelby— April 13, 2008 #
Have you read “The Long-Awaited Stork”? I highly recommend it. (I know, with what time, right?) It talks about how people who have dealt with IF think they should love every minute of parenthood and feel guilty if they don’t, and that’s just not realistic. There are lots of hard days, and we’re entitled to have normal new-parent feelings of frustration just like people who got pg the first month off the pill.
If you want to chat, either online or in-person, with someone who’s going through these things now too, shoot me an email.
Comment by ultimatejourney— April 13, 2008 #
This is oh so normal! Do your best to sleep when the baby sleeps — day or night. Try to remain as calm as possible. Babies are sensitive creatures and can pick up on other people’s emotions (especially mommy’s!).
Some women on my childbirth educators group highly recommend cranio-sacral therapy for newborns, especially babies born by C-section. I have no personal experience with it, but they swear by it. One of them told a story recently about a baby who sounded very similar to yours, and one session made him completely better — he had had troubles nursing and was quite fussy, but it helped!
Comment by Kathy— April 13, 2008 #
I ran across your blog because by coincidence, mine has the same name. I so related to your entry; I’ve been there. I remember after my first child (girl) was born and we got in the car with her to take her home and I kept thinking, “This isn’t right. We are not trained for this.” And the lack of sleep and constant crying can be maddening. My husband is a heavy sleeper so I remember standing at the foot of the bed, rocking her while she cried and he was dead asleep thinking, “I know this is crazy, me standing here with her trying to wake him up. I could probably smother him with a pillow right now and he wouldn’t even know it.” Then there were the friends who were constantly calling to say, “Don’t you love being a mom???” and me avoiding their phone calls because the truth was the answer would have been, “Um, not really. I want my old life back and I’m looking for a return policy on this little sack of potatoes as we speak.”
But the truth is, it will not only get better, it will get great- even if it takes some time, sleepless nights, and perhaps even some good anti-depressants (sorry Tom Cruise, but Zoloft was my saving grace!). Hang in there.
Comment by Jen— April 13, 2008 #
While I can’t speak from experience, I do think what you are feeling is completely normal. Your life has changed in ways too big to comprehend and you haven’t had near enough time to adjust to things yet. Both you and Baby O are learning this, one sleepless night at a time. Sleep deprivation can cause some serious headgames and your hormones are all over the place.
You are doing amazing, you have beaten the odds with breast feeding, Baby O is doing well, so you are obviously doing something right. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have to go through an adjustment period after any life changing event, and the birth of a child is one of the top on the list. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor, they can help you if you need it. Even if you don’t need help, it might help you to feel like this is all a part of it and you are not so alone. I hope you have had a chance to get a little bit of rest today. You will get through this, just like you have gotten through everything else, and I am confident you will come out on the other side with flying colours and a stronger person, just like you have with infertility.
Comment by My Reality— April 13, 2008 #
Oh girlfriend, I have SO been there. I value my sleep and the first 6 months of maddy’s life were absolute hell at night. Now, I think I had some PPD…but as soon as the sun would set (which was like 6 because it was winter) I would start crying and dread the night time. I would ask M to “send her bacK because I really can’t do this” and I would be so frustrated when it was 1 a.m. and I was freezing my ars off trying to get her to sleep.
I was so sleep deprived that I was miserable. And I felt so guilty because we had done IVF for her. And I thought to myself- what the hell was I thinking? I didn’t sign up for THIS.
Don’t beat yourself up! When Baby O is 18 months and throws a 30 minute tantrum while banging their head on the floor— (like Madelyn did tonight) you’ll probably feel the same way again. It’s all normal.
Comment by Michelle— April 13, 2008 #
The first few months are insane. People keep telling you that it will get better, and you just too exhausted to believe it. Try to sleep when the baby sleeps, or at least to lie down and relax. Do not do anything about the house — get someone to help you or ask your husband. Also I ran away a couple of times to just be with a friend because I was losing it: I just left the baby with some breast milk and formula to Hubby . Yep, formula is not great, but I needed a break. You are doing a FANTASTIC JOB.
Comment by marie baguette— April 13, 2008 #
There it is! [Near] all new mom’s go through this–you are not alone. I think that talking about it really helps. It’s a steep learning curve this parenting thing and very humbling. The third week my baby was here, after my mom left and husband went back to work, I felt so alone and petrified that I was supposed to take care of this little baby all by myself. It took me two months to gain a little confidence and perspective and to at least month three before I felt comfortable taking her out. Now she’s four months and mentally, I feel like I’m doing great. Still sleepy, but whatever.
Just cling on to whatever you need to to get through these next few weeks and I swear, once your hormones balance out and the learning curve gets more level, you will be able to breathe again. When things got real rough and I got real overwhelmed, my husband would just say…”but we’ll be ok, cause being with this baby is just what we’re doing right now.” And it’s true, it’s just what you’re doing right now, so try not to compare it with your childless life, cause that’s not what you’re doing anymore. And do try and nap every other day at least. Don’t even consider doing anything even remotely ambitious (this includes exercise and serious house cleaning) until Baby O is three months old.
Comment by Casey— April 13, 2008 #
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Just wanted to yell that at you. Every new mom feels everything you are feeling. You are normal. O is normal. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to run away from the twins, and then I would look at them all defenseless, and then cry, because I felt so bad that I was so damn tired and frustrated!
It will get better. One day at a time. Hugs!
Comment by Erica— April 13, 2008 #
I know everybody says it but really, it gets better, hang on a few weeks. I know it sounds counterintuitive when you are exhausted but when you are cleared for exercise get out for an hour without the baby and at the very least, take a brisk walk. It helps immensely, you get time to clear your head and it gives you a little energy boost. I know of whence I speak, I have a 10 month old who still does not consistently sleep through the night.
When my baby was 4 months old my mother came to visit and insisted that she take the night-time feedings. So I pumped like crazy so she’d have two bottles and for two nights in a row she took care of the baby and I got 8 straight solid hours of sleep and it was like a fog lifted. And I thought – why the hell didn’t I make my husband do this, like 2 months ago! If you can somehow do this for at least one night-time feeding (even on weekends when he’s not working) – DO IT. A solid chunk of sleep makes a world of difference.
Comment by suzanne— April 13, 2008 #
Aw….I can relate. Really. It’s hard when your life turns upside down, ESPECIALLY with sleep depravation.
I’ve said it before, but do you snuggle wrap them? I HONESTLY THINK that’s why both my kids sleep through the night, so it’s worth a try.
It won’t last. And it gets better and better. Seriously. What you’re feeling is normal AND fleeting.
And it doesn’t mean you’re not thankful.
Comment by JessPond— April 13, 2008 #
This was me 9 years ago, word for word. I am dreading having to deal with it again in a few weeks, even though I so totally wanted this again, and I know you feel guilty for feeling like this—but its OK to feel overwhelmed! I really don’t know ANYONE who has not felt this way with a newborn–its a very very hard transition! The good news is that every day your baby is changing, and you are learning to deal. Take it one step at a time and remember that this is a phase of his development that is going to change–you gotta just hang in there for a bit longer!
It helped me to go out with Michael, to a friends or just out. Just to feel like I was out in the world, it really helped. One time, I remember I was feeling so awful (my husband had just started back to work) and I went over to my friend’s house and she asked me if I had lunch. I hadn’t. She was like, let me make you a tuna sandwich–and Michael started to cry–and I think I would have lost it, but she picked him up, calmed him down, and made me a tuna sandwich. He slept in the infant carrier, and I had a tuna sandwich and tea with a friend and it made me feel normal. I will never forget that.
If you ever need to have a tuna sandwich—let me know–I live in the Boston area…
Comment by Delenn— April 13, 2008 #
Every new mom on Earth (fertile and inferfile alike) could have written this post. When my daughter was a tiny baby, I was so sleep deprived that I practically started hallucinating. One time at about 4am, I woke my husband, literally shoved the baby in his face, and declared her “a terrorist.” That’s how (irrationally) convinced I became she was out to get me and force me to never, ever sleep again.
Here, 3.5 years later, I still remember those first few months well. They aren’t necessarily fond memories either. I distinctly remember looking over the rail of her crib, when she was awake for the umpteenth time that night, thinking “WHY exactly did we want this so badly? WHY would anyone ever do this again? I can see getting suckered into it the first time, but … again?” Then we spent 3 years and many tens of thousands of dollars later to do just that.
No one said that it would be perfect and romantic and that little birds would come change diapers and nurse the baby while you were tired. But then again no one told me of the sheer, utter exhaustion I’d experience — plus the emotional and physical hangover I’d feel for many, many months.
Hang in there. All of your feelings are normal. It is perfectly healthy to long for the simple, carefree days of pre-baby. It is perfectly normal to resent that this little person — who you wanted so badly you could hardly breathe — has wreaked such outrageous havoc on your life. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with other people around you so that you can get a break when you really need it.
Comment by Leah— April 13, 2008 #
As your other commenters have reassured you, so will I: you are a normal new mother with a normal newborn. Your feelings, lucky as you are to have them, are normal, too.
Please don’t feel guilty about it. It does get better. And other parts get worse (stinky diapers, I’m talking about you!). I think if we’re all very honest with ourselves, there are downsides to most blessings.
I just got a 5 day holiday from baby courtesy of my DH taking him to see grandma. It only took a year to convince him he could do it
Comment by isabel— April 13, 2008 #
There’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. It will get better, but not all at once, and not fast enough.
You are lucky to have him, and you will always know that. But you can be tired and frustrated, too.
Comment by Larisa— April 13, 2008 #
Just delurking to let you know that IT WILL GET BETTER! Reading your post was like reading my mind 2 months ago (my son is 3 months old, today is my first day back to work *sob*).
I remember feeling the exact same resentment at my hubby, frustration, and confusion, and most of all guilt. I felt like his caretaker… not necessarily his Mother. It all changed for me the first time that he looked me in the eyes, and smiled. I knew that he was looking at me and smiling at me and well, it changed me. I think I realized for the first time that I can make him happy! Me, this person with no baby experience knew him better than anyone else. It wasn’t gas, it was the real thing! All the sudden I realized I could do it! And it got easier! It does get easier… and more fun. He’ll start to do more and more, and you will find yourself wishing for all the time back that has already been spent on maternity leave…. that is how I felt anyways.
Comment by Erin— April 14, 2008 #
It IS hard! And having gone through hell to get the baby unfortunately doesn’t make it any easier, it just makes it harder to feel one has “the right” to talk about it.
Comment by scarredbellybutton— April 14, 2008 #
Yeah, everyone tells me this is normal, too. Hang in there! Can’t wait to hear you get to the other side.
Bea
Comment by Bea— April 14, 2008 #
1. quit feeling guilty. my SIL’s comment after two weeks of parenthood “this is living hell”
2. don’t be cheap-GET A BABY NURSE. PUMP AND LET THEM FEED. get some sleep! even one a week. Seriously. It will help you BF-worth every minute.
3. get J to read “healthy sleep habit healthy child.” and teach you the tricks. it saved my SIL’s sanity.
4. know that i am rooting for you-and know that you can and will make it.
xoxoxo
Comment by christina(apronstrings)— April 14, 2008 #
You know I’m not where you are but this is exactly what I worry I’ll go through – cuz I’m really selfish, and I love our weekends to ourselves (when we’re not f*g working), and the idea of him getting all the sleep and getting to leave the house and me not getting to, well I know there’ll be days it’ll drive me crazy. We’ve joked often about hwo he’ll come home and barely in the door, and I’ll throw him the kid and storm out the house having not said a word, and he’ll wonder if I’m ever coming back. Cuz yes, I am, JUST THAT CRAZY. So thx for writing it, for being honest.
Comment by chicklet— April 14, 2008 #
you are amazing, because you wrote what I have been feeling for 3 months now. I love my sons, you love your son, but sometimes I wish for a day/moment/half a second that doesn’t involve me making decisions about those babies. I often say to Mr Kir…”Um, who’s bright idea was THIS?” and he looks back at me, like “our’s” (LOL)
You’re a great mom and you always will be. What you’re feeling is very normal and I think MORE of you for writing it down and saying what all of us have felt. That what makes you amazing, you say it.
things will get better , that much I know and we might even (gasp) miss these days of tiny babies and 3am feedings. For now take care of yourself, let other people take care of you too and know I’m here if you need me, just a phone call away.
(Hug)
Comment by Kir— April 14, 2008 #
I am so glad that you wrote this because it is exactly how I feel. Our son is now 7 weeks old and at times I resent him for making my life so difficult. I feel stressed out all of the time and anxious about being needed so much. I have zero time for myself and all that I do I do rushed. I wear my son on a sling most of the time because I can’t stand for him to cry.
You are not alone and it feels good to know that others experience what we do. My spouse and I fight all of the time because I feel helpless over the situation and don’t know what to do.
Good luck to us all,
Rosany
Comment by rosany— April 14, 2008 #
I don’t have any children yet, but I think that infertiles do tend to romanticize the whole baby thing, and it is a huge shock to the system when you start to feel the way you are now.
I think about this often as I have a godson, who I love with all my heart but at times I am just so glad to give him back to his parents. This is when I remember that children, although precious, are selfish and for a good few years are centred (rightfully so) on their own needs.
Don’t be too hard on yourself Serenity, and don’t think that only parents will understand this sentiment. It sounds completely normal to me.
I hope you get some quality shut eye soon
Comment by Mands— April 14, 2008 #
SO normal. My maternity leave was the hardest three months of my life, including the years of infertility–harder because supposedly you’ve got what you always wanted, and boy does it suck sometimes. Just know that you are in the worst of it right now, and it will get better!
My post-partum doula told me that babies always seem to smile (really really smile) for the first time right when you’re ready to throw in the towel–and that’s what gives you the motivation to keep going. So baby O should be giving you a big gummy grin pretty soon.
Comment by electriclady— April 14, 2008 #
Hi Serenity. I don’t think I ‘ve commented before, but had to for this post. Just wanted to let you know what you are feeling is totally normal. Good news is, things will start getting better before you know it. It was at this point for me (what you are dealing with now) that things starting turning the corner. My daughter is 17 months now, but I remember exactly how you feel.
I remember the exact moment where I was like… Wow, I’m really a mama and I love it. Driving in the car and suddenly hearing cooing in the back seat. I was like… OMG, I have a baby in my car!
Take care of yourself and remember that what you are feeling is only temporary. It will get better
Comment by Beth— April 14, 2008 #
4 weeks after my twins were born I was talking to my RE. She asked how things were going. I asked if they had a return policy. Refunds? Exchanges? A donation box, perhaps?
Everyone says it gets better. I’m still in the “I’ll believe it when I see it” phase. But the smiles, the coos, the laughter. There are glimmers. And those keep us going and from dropping them off at the nearest Safe Haven station. And you’ll be getting those smiles soon. (And 4 AM may well eventually seem like a lovely time to start your day!)
Comment by Cathy— April 14, 2008 #
I just stumbled across this post from another Web site — I’ve never read your site before. But I wanted to say, you are 100% normal. I felt exactly like you feel when my beloved son (now almost 1 year old *sob*) was a newborn. I didn’t sleep at all for the first 5-7 nights of his life. Literally, like not at all because I was so nervous and a total wreck (FTM here), and he screamed all the time. Even for weeks after that, when it would start to get dark, I would get really, really nervous because that was the beginning of the worst part of the day — caring for a screaming baby in the middle of the night, when everyone else is asleep and there’s no one to talk to, and you feel like you are so helpless and it is terrifying. Hard for me also was that I was used to working 50-60 hours per week in a demanding, intellectually stimulating profession … and here I was at home. I felt lost. I too felt guilty because it took us a while to conceive.
But, not to sound like a broken record, but it GETS SO MUCH BETTER. My miracle was the Miracle Blanket. Do a Google search for it. Swaddling helped my baby so, so much at night. We continued to swaddle until he was 4 or 5 months old.
Now that baby is 11 months old and we are trying to conceive again. Why? I am not just a glutton for punishment … but you will come to really understand that your son is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know you *know* that now, but it will get better, and you will really understand it.
Best of luck to you, and if it doesn’t get better soon, please, don’t feel bad for talking to your doctor about it. It could be mild PPD and you are worth getting help if you need it.
Comment by Meredith— April 15, 2008 #
Will it help if I tell you this is the hardest part and that it does go away ? My boys are all teens now and all they do is sleep, except for the eating, they do that too A LOT.
We waited 8 years for our first and 3 weeks in to being a mom I was afraid that I would drop him I was so exhausted. Please don’t be shy about asking someone to sit with him for a 3-4 hour stretch so you can get a decent nap.
Comment by Christine— April 17, 2008 #
Amen, sister. I totally felt this way about a month into it. And we had also tried for years and had failed cycles, etc. And I also felt shitty about it. But it is completely normal when you get into the reality of motherhood and that sleep deprivation. The good news is, you adjust to the lack of sleep and you WILL start to feel better. Promise. You’ll be amazed at how well you’ll be able to function on no sleep. And then they start sleeping longer, and all is right with the world. HANG IN THERE!!!
Comment by Meredith— April 18, 2008 #