Happiness.

The days here have a distinct early autumn feel to them this week. The temperatures have been dropping into the 50s at night, and the days have been clear and sunny.

And here I am, contemplating a new job which will begin in about three weeks.

I find myself full of emotion when I think about the rest of the year. I’m really excited about gaining some measure of my own intellectual life back; I miss the challenges of work and the adrenaline of a deadline. I’m excited about working for a company which actually saves lives. I’m excited to have responsibility for their regulatory reporting.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it’s bittersweet for me too. I can’t believe how quickly the 6 months of Baby O’s life has flown. I love that we had this summer together, he and I. And though there are days where I am tired, and resentful of all the chores which need to get done… I also love that I can linger over coffee in my pajamas. And see his happy smile multiple times a day when I get him from his nap. Or when he’s playing in his exersaucer. Or when we take a walk. Or go to the store together.

And of course I worry how I’ll balance it all. The few days of interviewing and sleep issues nearly killed me with exhaustion, and that wasn’t even a full 8 hour day. I worry about how J and I will fit everything we need to do into our lives and still have time to focus on Baby O.

But like my friend D says. We’re not the first to be working parents, and we’ll make it work.

It’s just funny. For the past few years, I’ve dreaded the arrival of the fall. Because I knew that it heralded my busy season during the winter. Because we were closing out another year in which we weren’t pregnant. Because the days get shorter, and colder, and it meant we’d have to go inside until spring.

This year, though, I can’t say that. I’m looking forward to taking Baby O on his first hike this fall. To his first tooth. To his first Christmas. To bringing him to Florida to see his great-grandparents; to seeing how he does in the condo’s pool during kids hours. To seeing him crawl, and then maybe walk this winter. To his one year birthday this spring.

It’s just so different. I’m unused to looking ahead and not dreading something.

And I have such a hard time finding the words to describe how content I am these days.

All I know is that every day, when I look at Baby O…

I feel so lucky to be his mom.