Wordless Wednesday: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

Or: When People Ask Me What I Want For Christmas, Why I Can’t Name a Damn Thing. Because I Have Everything I Ever Wanted.

Well, ok then.

No more obsessing over the dwindling supply for me.

Why is that?

Well, Baby O sort of made the decision for me.

It was my intention to continue nursing Baby O in the early mornings, while J would heat up his bottle. And it worked for a couple of days – I’d nurse him and then he’d have a 4 ounce bottle of formula.

And then on Friday morning, he refused to nurse.

And then again on Saturday.

And Sunday.

And this morning.

So as of right now, I am exclusively pumping. And Baby O is just fine with his 8oz bottle.

The good news is that I get a good pumping session first thing in the morning . Between that and one other session during the day (yay! Only have to pump ONCE at work!), I have enough to freeze for the day.

So. I can’t say I’m 100% comfortable with the way that things are working out, but I’m smart enough to know when I’m fighting a losing battle. And the last thing I want to do is turn a feeding session into a battle – I would much rather just give Baby O a bottle. Because honestly? We have our snuggle time then – while he’s eating, he reaches up and plays with my hair. Or touches my face. Or plays with my necklace.

My plan is to quit pumping for good around Christmas, when we head to Florida to visit with my grandparents. My stash should be enough to get us near to Baby O’s birthday; based on my calculations it should run out towards the end of February.

So Baby O will get brea.stmilk until he’s close to one. Which, you know. Is a HUGE win. Because I did only have a 30% chance of BFing in the first place.

So that’s that.

Shall we move onto new topics?

Stay tuned for The Aventures of our Christmas Tree Hunt and The Resulting Photo Shoot with Baby O in a Santa Suit.

(Or: How I Will Embarrass My Kid With Cheesy Photos When He Brings His Girlfriend To Visit.)

An answer. (Or a look into my twisted mind.)

To part of the supply issue. I’m spotting. Which means that AF is on its way.

Which means I’m in for almost a full week of less-than-stellar output.

*sigh*

I keep going back and forth.

Every day I want to quit. Just stop pumping and see what happens.

Because I fucking HATE pumping. I hate seeing how little I can eek out these days. I hate the sinking feeling I get when I look at the bottles at the end of my session.

I hate nursing him and knowing he needs a bottle right after or he’ll be hungry in 5-10 minutes.

I hate that, for every minute of every day, I am thinking about what I’m eating. Drinking. Will this affect my supply? Should I try this tea/pill/pumping schedule?

But.

I only have enough of my stash to get him through the next 67 days. That’s using bottles which are half-formula, half BM.

And every little bit I eek out is more than he’d have if I didn’t pump.

And see, at the moment where the lactation consultant told me I’d have no problem with supply (at least initially), I made the decision.

I wanted to have BM for a year.

That was my definition of success.

And see? Successful nursing hinges on your very definition of success.

By all rights, I’ve succeeded. J looks at it this way – I went into this not knowing if I’d be able to BF at ALL. So not only was I able to nurse after a reduction… but I was able to nurse him exclusively through 6 months and continue through 9 months.

And when I look at it that way? I feel pretty darn happy about what I’ve managed to do.

But I wanted more.

The question I have to answer is this.

Does my wanting more for Baby O supercede my desire to quit?

THAT.

Is what I don’t know.

______________________

And in light of some of the issues I’ve been reading from some of my other blog friends, I do want to make mention that no matter what happens, or what I decide, I’ve won already. 

And. Really. If this is the worst of my issues?

I’m pretty damn lucky.

Wordless Wednesday: Practicing the Big Cheesy Grin.

For more Wordless Wednesday participants, click here.

Stubborness and endings.

**It’s funny.

After I wrote that post yesterday? I ADDED a pumping session to my day.

I mean, that doesn’t MAKE SENSE. If I really want to QUIT, then why add another session? Why not REDUCE the amount of time I spend pumping every day?

See.

Just the act of writing “I want to quit BFing” made me really re-examine what I’ve been doing. And, as Kathy pointed out, WHY I want to make it to 12 months.

Because quitting is so FINAL… I need to make sure that I’m doing it for the RIGHT reasons, you know?

So why do I want to continue BFing Baby O, despite my dwindling supply?

Part of it is the antibodies, yeah. Partly. Because he’s had three colds which led to three ear infections. In three months. If I stopped sharing my immune system with him, would he get sick WORSE than just an ear infection? I don’t know. And that’s the part that worries me. If I quit, and he gets REALLY sick, I know I’d have to work at not feeling guilty.

Really, though? This all boils down to the fact that parenthood is not about convenience for ME. Would I prefer it that I don’t have to pump, or worry about taking fenugreek, or make sure I’m drinking enough (or too much) water? Definitely. It would be MUCH easier for me not to have to pump. Or worry about nursing.

But I know that if I didn’t give it my all, didn’t do my best to attempt to maintain nursing… then a part of me would feel like I took the easy way out. That I wasn’t willing to do what’s necessary to give my kid the best.

Now see. I don’t even THINK that BM is best. I was formula fed. Other than the exorbitant COST of formula, I have no issues with the fact that we’re giving Baby O 2oz of formula with every bottle he gets. (Ok well I will say I ABHOR washing bottles these days. I mean, seriously. There’s ALWAYS a bottle to wash in our house. The days where I was tickled to clean a bottle, that we were even ABLE to have bottles in our house? Those days are LONG GONE, people.)

So it’s not like I’m hung up on HAVING to BF because I think it’s best. I just WANT to do it.

In talking with my friend D, I likened it to stubbornness. In the early days, when my nips ware SO freaking sore and Baby O was eating every two seconds… it took sheer stubbornness to keep going. Back then I didn’t really THINK I’d quit. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I worried I couldn’t keep up with Baby O. But I never really seriously considered quitting.

It’s sort of like that. Regardless of WHEN I decide to end the pumping and/or the nursing – this feeding relationship with Baby O is going to end. And it’s not that far away, either.

So if I walked away from it now, just because it’s HARD?

I don’t know. It would make me feel bad about myself.

What I NEED to do is get comfortable with the fact that, at some point, my output will have dwindled enough to make pumping worthwhile. And that most likely Baby O will need a bottle after nursing when he’s hungry in the mornings.

I just have to decide at what point I’ll feel ok with walking away from pumping. From nursing.

I don’t know what that is yet. But clearly I’m not there yet.

Seriously, though? You ladies are fantastic. Because you’re right. Making it almost 9 months BFing is a BIG DEAL. It IS a cause for celebration, not self-denigration.

 

**As a TOTAL aside, could I use any more capitalized words in this post???