Finding my Mojo: A book review.

When MotherTalk emailed about a couple of new books we could read, one caught my eye.

Mojo Mom: Nuturing Your Self While Raising a Family by Amy Tiemann, PhD.

Happened to be one of those times where I was feeling super stressed by the to do list. And work. And feeling a little lost in everything that we needed to do.

I signed up eagerly.

So when the book arrived, I expected it to tell me exactly how I could do it all. The author started off by telling me “Mommy Mojo is the feeling you get when you are at the top of your game, juggling the many facets of your life and keeping your own needs in balance with family needs. It is the joyous feeling of becoming yourself and liking that person… it is power.”

No pressure, Amy… but I wanted ANSWERS.

So I read through it. Fast and furious, I turned the pages, expecting that the next page was going to be the one where she told me how to manage it all.

It’s not like that at ALL. There weren’t any answers for me. I closed the book and thought: “Yes! I agree with you. We need to support more moms, working moms, stay at home moms. Yes, I WHOLLY agree that the ‘Mom Wars’ phenomena is perpetuated by the media and extremists. I GET IT. But the fact is, I work full time and I miss out on stuff and I’m tired and feel like I’m beholden to my to do list and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT.”

And initially I was upset about the book. I felt gypped – as gypped as one could be for getting a free book, anyway.

But last night, in preparation for writing this review… I reread it. Because with books, I am judgmental, and I generally get a lot more out of a second reading. And I really to be balanced in my review.

Holy SHIT she makes a lot of sense.

The whole premise of the book is that motherhood fundamentally changes you. And all the pregnancy and child care books don’t prepare you for this shift. In the span of a few short days, you leave the hospital with this newborn baby. You will never be the same person you were.

In the early days of having Baby O, when I was completely overwhelmed, and sleep deprived, I’d often think back to the times before him longingly. Where I could get out and go for a run every day before work, where my hardest night was because I had some insomnia. The vacations. The relaxing. Et cetera. And I found myself mourning that life. But of course I couldn’t really talk about it, because I mean, hadn’t we spent three and a half years trying to get pregnant? I should be happy. Yes, it’s okay for me to feel overwhelmed and tired, but it WASN’T OKAY to actively MISS my “old” life.

The first thing this book showed me, though, was that it was, in fact, OKAY to mourn that other life. Because it’s “tempting to romanticize miraculous tranformations.” She uses the image of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. And she says, “I bet you have never asked yourself, What about the caterpillar?” Because I’ll tell you something. I did focus on the caterpillar. I wondered if I was ever going to find the time, energy, and self-focus (selfishness, I thought at the time) to be happy with ME again.

Chapter three of the book describes her idea of the four phases of “getting your Mojo back.” From the initial survival mode, you move into a period where you assess and reconnect with your desires for your life. Then you’ll set your priorities and goals, and finally begin taking baby steps toward these goals.

Now, see. Only a couple of weeks ago, I was in phase two. I WANTED to start pursuing my own interests… but I didn’t see where I’d have the time. I posted about it, even. I wanted to get out and have fun. I wanted to feel STRONG. I wanted to lose weight. Yet I felt guilty about asking J to do more. And selfish. And so I held myself back because that my priorities were screwed up.

But then I decided to sign up for these 5ks this summer. And J and I decided to hire someone to clean our house twice a month. And we determined that we’d have one day a weekend where we’d get out and have some fun as a family. But most importantly, I made a decision to simplify my life. To let go of the guilt of being a “bad friend” when I just didn’t have the time to stay in touch as much as I wanted.

Really I just decided to accept that I am not the perfect mom. There are other moms who are more fun. Who successfully juggle more than I do. Who buy organic and bake healthy homemade muffins for her kids.

What makes ME happy? Having a goal. Planning on how I’m going to reach that goal. Doing something physical like running, even on the days where I can’t manage to run more than a mile or so. Having a glass of wine just because. Cooking. Taking a walk.

And that’s the essence of this book. Finding the time, and the energy, and the motivation to do things for yourself even though it feels wrong (at first). And knowing that there’s an ebb and flow to this time and energy. That though today I may be on top of the world after getting all of our chores done this weekend while also getting out on both days with Baby O… it might not be that way tomorrow.

And that’s okay. I’ll keep working on it.