Sisters in IF.

My sister and I talk a lot. Usually twice, three times a week. Either I’ll call her on my way home from work, or she’ll give me a call when she’s on her way home. We chat about all sorts of things, random or not.

Over the past few months, the subject of her own infertility has come up more and more.

And I’m realizing something.

Being supportive of someone in the RIGHT WAY during infertility is really HARD. Now see. I’ve actually BEEN THERE, and I’m finding it hard. Because there’s such a balance between respecting the differences in our two personalities. And not prying. Or bringing up a sore subject.

The difference in personality is HUGE in this case. My sister has been trying now for almost two and a half years. And this is only her second doctor’s appointment – the first with a specialist. (She saw her OB, and my BIL had a SA, which came back normal.)

To contrast: by this point in our own IF journey, J and I had BOTH had surgeries (me twice), and were starting on our 3rd IVF cycle.

So I’m trying to be respectful of the fact that my sister is a different person than me. And in many respects, I think she’s doing BETTER than I did in our journey. Because she already recognizes that she isn’t in control of when she gets pregnant, and working harder or blaming herself is a waste of energy.

But it’s getting really hard for her. All of her friends are having babies. And they’re all super fertile. Her best friend from high school has two kids – both were conceived while she was on birth control. Another friend of hers JUST told her last WEEK that she was pregnant. Of course she conceived her first month off the pill.

And when my sister heard that, she said, she hung up the phone and cried and cried and cried. She said that she feels like such an asshole, because her friend didn’t really know how tell her, and she just wants to be HAPPY for people when they’re pregnant. But she can’t.

And my poor sister keeps telling me that she knows they’ll be fine, eventually they WILL be parents… it’s just that she’s ready now.

As her big sister – the role I’ve had all my life – it’s really hard for me to hear all of this. I mean, really. What are the chances that BOTH of us are infertile? Why did WE get the golden ticket?

And I get so angry, and I want to BLAME someone. Maybe it’s my mom’s fault. Maybe that’s the common denominator – she carried us both. Or maybe it’s the town in Jersey where we grew up. Or maybe it’s just damn bad luck.

And whatever the reason… I want to FIX it. Because she’s my little sister, and I’ve always been able to protect her. And she’s so amazing with kids, and she DESERVES to be a mother.

And then I remember that IF isn’t about who deserves it. It’s just statistics.

So all I can do is listen to her, and empathize, and give her my perspective as she navigates the land of IF and ART herself.

But I’ll tell you. It makes me feel damn powerless. Because I WANT this for her. I want her to be pregnant NOW. I want her to experience being a mom. She’s going to be FANTASTIC.

And I hate that we’re sisters in IF.