Sleep. Interrupted.

(I have not heard from my friend about her daughter; what I’ve heard from friends is that M is “day by day” and may be in the hospital for a very long time. Please keep them in your thoughts. I can’t even imagine the stress the whole family is under right now.)

With the exception of the first three weeks of his life… Baby O has never been much of a sleeper.

We’ve done a lot to get him to a point where if he doesn’t need something, he’s able to put himself back to sleep without issue.

But if there’s ANY change in his life? There are night wakings. Where J or I need to DO something for him.

It’s taken me a while, but I’m really okay with this.

Because if I look at things from his perspective, I GET it. Most every night *I* wake up at some point in the middle of the night. And then I realize I’m thirsty. And I lean over to my bedside table and I drink from the nalgene bottle of water that’s right there. And I lay back down and go to sleep.

Or I’m cold, and I get an extra blanket, put wool socks on, or snuggle closer to J.

Thing is, I have the control over whatever it is I need to FIX the situation. And Baby O doesn’t. So it doesn’t seem very reasonable to me, then, to be militant about putting him into his room for the night and letting him figure out that when it’s dark mom and dad won’t come fix things for him.

I’m not knocking the people who DO this, as an aside. Just wasn’t what we decided that we were comfortable with.

So anyway. There’s a LOT of change going on for Baby O right now. A short list:

1. For the past two weeks, Baby O has been taking only ONE nap a day at daycare. He’s not really READY per se to be transitioning to one nap. Because he’s super tired and cranky at night before bed. And on the weekends, at home, he takes two good solid naps, which to me means he’s catching up on the lack of sleep he’s gotten during the week.

2. He is THIS.CLOSE.TO.WALKING as his main mode of transport. At this point, it’s a confidence thing. He walks everywhere, confidently, holding onto mom or dad’s hand. And yesterday, J reported that as soon as they got home from school, Baby O walked after the cat with no assistance. Until he realized what he was doing, of course. Then, he lowered himself to the floor, and proceeded to crawl for the rest of the night.

3. He’s been on a sippy cup strike at school as well. We pack him 12 ounces of milk and 8 ounces of water. In the past couple of days he’s come home with close to 18 ounces left. Granted, he’ll drink it all at night BEFORE bed, but his during the day usage has gone down. I like to think it’s because the cold rainy weather makes him not as thirsty during the day – hopefully when it gets warm (will it EVER get warm here?) he’ll drink more.

4. His daycare is starting to transition him to the toddler room. His official start date over there is July 1, so for the next couple of weeks he will be doing “visits.” His teacher reports that he’s very uncomfortable right now over there – a couple of times he’s just stood and cried. Even when there aren’t any kids in the room, he’s not very happy to be there. (He’ll be fine, of course. I’m really not all that worried. I merely put this bullet in to demonstrate that there’s some uncomfort with a new situation for him.)

Change is tough on my kid’s sleep schedule. So for the past two weeks, Baby O has been up in the middle of the night, needing SOMETHING. Most cases he’s had a little warm milk, a snuggle with me, and is back asleep within 15 minutes.

The issue *I* have with this… is insomnia. There has been at least one night a week where I’m up from 3 until my alarm rings at 5. It’s driving me crazy.

And I’m exhausted.

I REALLY need to figure out how to get back to sleep when he does.

Anyone have problems with insomnia? Suggestions? Assvice? I’m all ears.

Good thoughts needed.

Remember how I talked about attending a shower for the girlfriend who had preemie twins this past January?

One of her girls is home. Doing VERY well, actually. She should be weaned off the oxygen by the end of the month.

The other? Not doing so well. She’s at Children’s Hospital with heart issues related to her breathing issues. Now she’s contracted pneumonia, as well.

And A sent us an email today.

“Please keep M in your thoughts and prayers as she is having a very hard day here at the hospital. My husband and I are at Children’s at her bedside and are corralling your good thoughts into her beautiful little head. They are doing everything they can for her and we are hoping for a good outcome.

Please keep us in your thoughts as you go about your day.”

I know you don’t know my friend, but my heart is aching in hope that their daughter will be okay.

Please, if you have time, spare a moment and send a thought out into the universe for M tonight.

Wordless Wednesday: Like, gag me with a spoon!

(Or: Baby O’s new favorite toy.)

For more Wordless Wednesday images, click here

Changes.

Changes are afoot at chez Serenity Now. (My blog home, that is.)

I’ve spent most of the past week ruminating on what it is I want out of this blog. Because this space is important to me.

For almost four years now (FOUR years!), it’s been my space to vent and work through things and find my own personal Zen.

The issue I’m having is that though I’m very open about our infertility in my real life, whenever I talk about it (usually in response to someone who asks me when we’re planning another baby), I get the impression that my honest answer (“I have no idea. Baby O was an invitro baby, so really it all depends on when we feel like seeing a doctor again.”) stops people in their tracks.

TMI, I suppose.

But then I come here, and try and blog, and remind myself that I’m infertile. And write the things I wonder if the community actually wants to read. And it’s hard. Because I find myself re-writing posts in my head, becoming more apologetic with each draft, and finally just keeping it saved in my “drafts” folder instead of publishing it.

Because, see. The day that Baby O was born I sort of made my peace with our IF. Because if we were fertile, we wouldn’t have HIM. We’d have some other person, and I’m sure I’d love him or her just as much as I love Baby O.

But it wouldn’t be him.

And that thought? Moves me to tears most of the time.

Because he’s so amazing. And I love him so much.

And that’s where I struggle – feeling as if I were stuck between two worlds.

Thing is, first and foremost, I am a PARENT. And there’s lots of challenges that go along with it.

So I think that’s where this blog is going. Fully embracing parenting. Yeah, it’s parenting after infertility. But it’s parenting, first and foremost.

So look for some changes in the coming weeks. I think I could use a fresh start – a new look to the blog.

But mostly? I promise I’ll be freer with my posts. With both the good and the not-so-good.

Stay tuned.