Cancelled.

This was supposed to be the weekend where J, O, and I went up to New Hampshire. To visit with S, her husband and two daughters. And J’s friend B and his wife K and their three kids.

And this week I emailed S, just before her second chemo treatment, and told her that K and I would take care of all the meals for the weekend so she and her family could take a break. And we spent two separate nights making homemade meals for dinners so that she wouldn’t have to worry.

And I haven’t seen S since that one time I talked with her.

I was SO very much looking forward to the weekend.

We were supposed to leave tonight.

When I picked O up from daycare today, I was a little unnerved to see that he was most definitely getting sick. I knew it when I walked in the door and looked at him.

He had a fever.

(I have this sort of fever radar. It’s scary, actually. I know what his temperature is within a degree or two – just by looking at him or touching him.)

But what I said when I saw him was “oh no! You have a cold!”

And his daycare teacher told me that he seemed warm earlier in the afternoon, but it was low grade. But that I should be aware, because there were high fevers going around with the toddlers this week.

And as she was talking, and O looked at me with red rimmed eyes… I knew he had gotten it.

So I brought him home. And I took his temp, and confirmed what I already knew. 101.5.

And he clung to me. And wouldn’t go to sleep on his own. He needed me to sing him to sleep.

O is sick.

My friend S has a compromised immune system from the chemo.

So? I sent J up to New Hampshire tonight. Because really – B and J and S are HIS friends from college, and he should spend time with them. And we’ve been planning this since freaking JULY. And we spent money to rent the damn house for the weekend.

So. Here I am. Sitting in front of the computer, a glass of wine in hand. Choking back bitter tears that I have to miss spending time with S this weekend.

Someone told me once that being a parent is really tough. In fact, one of J’s old bosses said “You know, selfishness really takes a hit when you have kids.”

This just sucks.

I’m tired of sick. Tired of having to cancel plans because O can’t stay well. Tired of wondering when the next illness is going to strike.

And I’m so resentful that the sick is keeping me from a friend with whom I’m afraid I have limited time.

I love my son. I love my friend.

And it sucks, right now, that I can’t make it work to take care of BOTH of them.