Body Language.
June 16, 2010 at 3:10 pm | Posted in rants | 19 CommentsI think I need help.
Last night, for like the sixth time in two weeks, I told my husband no when he insinuated that he was in the mood for sex.
Except I was MEAN about it.
I felt like crap immediately afterwards, and spent the next two hours apologizing for being an asshole.
But whenever I react to something that strongly, it’s a sign for me. I need to understand what’s going on BELOW the surface and figure out what’s really bothering me.
I hit on it last night, I think.
I hate my body.
I guess I expected that losing weight was going to change my relationship with my body completely.
That once I was skinny, I’d feel sexy, and empowered, and gorgeous.
Nope.
Seriously, when I look in the mirror most days, it’s like my Inner Critic takes over. All SHE can see is the belly, and the cellulite thighs, and the fact that no matter how much weight I lose my thighs will always touch.
It’s only when I see pictures of me that I think “holy SHIT. I’m SKINNY.”
And so I don’t feel sexy. I still want to cover up all the bad parts of me. I don’t want to walk around naked in front of J – I change in the bathroom at night.
I haven’t felt this unsexy since I was in college and wore baggy jeans, flannel shirts, and baseball hats.
Yet I’m the FITTEST I’ve ever been in my entire adult life. I would wager that I’m also the thinnest.
So WTF is WRONG with me? Why can’t I get past the Inner Critic?
I have no idea.
And, given the above, it’s definitely affecting our marriage. I can blame J for not initiating the “right way,” but the truth is, I’m not certain WHAT he could do which would make me feel INTERESTED in having sex.
I think it has to do with almost 35 years of really crappy body image. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration. Let’s say 20 years of crappy body image, since it’s the teenage years I remember as being the worst. (Middle school, mostly.)
And I have no idea how to FIX it. A book? New lingerie? Turning heads if I ever get up the courage to wear my new bikini on the beach? Harmless flirtations with some random guy at a bar? An affair with an Italian businessman?
I wish I knew.
And I KNOW I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
Do you love your body? How did you get there? Do you have an Inner Critic? What do you do to talk over her? Does it work?
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Could have written this post myself. Me and P struggle with this all.the.time. Unlike you I still have post baby flab body (slowly getting rid of it thanks to training).
More importantly though, I need to accept myself as I AM, not what I want to look like. Easier said than done. In the meantime I get angry when P asks for s.ex. I eventually cave and I feel better afterward.
Truth is my issue with s.ex? I’m just freaking TIRED. I don’t have the physical or mental energy to put forth. Men don’t seem to have this problem. They can do it even if they haven’t slept for a week.
Anyway, a long way of saying: I’m right there with ya on this topic.
Comment by Heather— June 16, 2010 #
Yeah, I can see how the Inner Critic combined with the always-present overachiever personality — where there’s always something more to be accomplished and good enough isn’t an option — would combine to make this difficult.
Don’t really have any advice, though, as skinny and sexy aren’t words in my vocabulary.
Comment by andbabybmakesthree— June 16, 2010 #
Have you talked to J about your anxieties? I’ve never been a skinny person and I’ve never cared. But just prior to getting pregnant this time, I felt so insecure about my body I would undress in the dark and make sure Dan didn’t see anything. He asked about it and I finally talked to him about why I was so “weird” lately and he did EVERYTHING right to make me feel good again. He reminded me of so many things I’d forgotten (or pushed to the back of my head). And really, the only person I care to be beautiful for is my husband so knowing that HE already found me beautiful… well… let’s just say it was a boost for our sex life. Sometimes, the men forget that we need to hear it and we need to remind them.
Comment by Amy— June 16, 2010 #
Oh my goodness, Serenity, I could have written this post myself, especially this bit:
“Seriously, when I look in the mirror most days, it’s like my Inner Critic takes over. All SHE can see is the belly, and the cellulite thighs, and the fact that no matter how much weight I lose my thighs will always touch.
It’s only when I see pictures of me that I think “holy SHIT. I’m SKINNY.”
It’s like you’re reading my mind. I’m skinnier now than I have EVER been. But when I look in the mirror, all I can see is that I am STILL pear-shaped. That I still have hefty thighs and a saggy rear that jiggles when I run. But when I see pics, I realize that I am TINY right now. But I can’t make the mental image line up with the reality. I feel ok in clothes- just not so good when nekkid. When I go to the shops, I still take clothes into the change room that are two sizes too big.
I have no assvice, as I am really struggling with this right now, and am trying to tell myself that I do not have more weight to lose, and that losing another five (10, etc.) pounds is NOT going to make my hips and thighs and butt shrink, it is just going to make my ribs stick out. Some days I do better at believing myself than others.
The best thing I can think of is get other people to take your picture and show it to you when you least expect it. ‘Cause I think we can’t lie to ourselves in pictures. Wear some clothes you love, get someone to take some pics, and then save them and pull them out when the mantra of body hatred starts up again.
And if you find something that works, please let me know!
xx
T.
Comment by Turia— June 16, 2010 #
I love my body – granted I just lost 12 pounds and I feel super fit and skinny, but even when I was chunky, I felt sexy. I walk around in front of my husband naked. 10 years ago I didn’t feel that way; I was self-conscious, felt unpretty, unwanted, etc. I started seeing a therapist when I was 29 or 30 and saw her pretty much on and off for 10 years on various issues (self-esteem, childhood issues, men issues, etc.). I’m now 41 soon-to-be 42, and have been married for almost 4 years, with my hubby for almost 6 years and I have never felt better about my body image. I think a lot of it comes with age, but honestly the therapy had a lot to do with it. I worked through a lifetime of issues in my early 30s and by my mid 30s I was a women of confidence, self-acceptance and happy. Do what you need to get help Serenity – explore the root cause of your issues and see an expert to help you through it. You will grow in ways you cannot even imagine. Believe me the therapy from 10 years ago has even helped me deal with my infertility. At this rate motherhood is a long shot for me, but if it doesn’t happen – so what, I’ve been through much worse already. Life is too good to let that keep me down.
Oh and I saw your picture from your race – you are totally sexy and skinny! Love yourself!!!
Comment by Soapchick— June 16, 2010 #
In my wisdom, at 44 years old, I’ve learned that I like intimacy and sex more than I don’t like how I look. So, I sort of divide and conquer if you will. I am working on losing 52 lbs (and thought of you again on my jog today) and I treat that as one issue. And, I like sex (even if it is mostly because I’m ovulating and hoping I’ll be one of those women…).
On the occasion that we’re going to have sex, I’m thinking MUCH more about an impending orgasm than I am how I look.
I totally get the body image thing though because most times I don’t like looking in the mirror. But, I am trying to be kind to myself and grateful and thankful that this body, scars and illness and age and all, allowed me to carry my son to term (against all nay-sayers opinions) and this body is still moving of its own volition. And this body is the only one I’ve got.
Comment by It is what it is— June 16, 2010 #
Let me know if someone posts the secret. I HATE the way my body looks – 3 babies (2 of them VERY LARGE) broke my abs apart and I’m a good 10 pds of extra weight since I had the last one. And by having THREE KIDS to take care of, and a job, I’m too tired to get up at 4 to goto the gym (I have to be at work by 6 a.m. since I HAVE to leave at 2:30 to catch the bus w/my son on it). Hubby seems to think I look great even though I’m wearing a thin fat suit over my real body, but I hate the softness all over me.
Comment by VHMPrincess— June 16, 2010 #
I can’t agree with this post more. Exhaustion > sex. Bad body image > sexy.
Comment by LJ— June 16, 2010 #
Oh I so feel your pain. This post could be entitled “being a woman in America”. My story is mind-body issues from a too too too young age, comparing myself to every last female, hoping my body was good enough for boys, utter loathing of my whole self, binging and purging in college, exercising too much, not exercising enough, tummy tuck. Belive me, it’s been a long road to peace (peace most days). Honestly! And not because of the tummy tuck. Surgery zipped my abs up and kept my intestines from falling out and undulating like snakes under my skin, but it sure doesn’t make one thin. And like you said, no matter what, my thighs will ALWAYS touch and a flatter belly did not change the way my brain thinks or the way my eyes see my back fat in the mirror. The peace comes from a choice. I just choose not to play that game anymore. The world is full of lies about women. (For me, this gets into my religious views, which I won’t go into here b/c it could take a whole new page–but Satan is going to harp on those things because they are an easy foothold for him in my life (and most women’s lives). But I am choosing not to believe that my worth is wrapped up in my appearance. I am choosing not to believe that my value comes from other people’s approval of my body. I am choosing not to believe that I should compare myself to Hollywood’s ridiculous standards. Plus, I’ve got two girls to raise, and they can NOT (so help me God!) have their closest, most important and influential female role model hating on her own body. They will learn that lie and turn it into their own personal truth faster than anything. Honestly, the only time I start to feel bad about my body is when I start to compare it to others’. There’s no way I can measure up to the standards! There’s just NO WAY! I’ll never be as pretty/skinny as TV says I should be. And that is all part of the vicious cycle of lies. I just have to shift and expand my definition of beauty. It’s the hardest thing and the easiest thing to just pluck myself out of the cycle. Just say, nope, not gonna do that to myself. Because my body is beautifully and wonderfully made (there’s some scripture slipping in!) and I’m so glad it’s letting me walk around and hold my kids etc. (Some parapalegic somewhere would give anything for my chunky thighs)! And when I do feel that grip on my heart return, that sinister whisper saying “jump back into the rat race, lose some weight you heifer, for pete’s sake you’re just not.good.enough.” I look around at my blessings and think “the beauty of the Lord is upon me. that’s the only beauty that matters”. (sorry once again to go all holy shmoley on you!)
I look at you and think you are just a gorgeous woman. Absolutely beautiful. But more importantly, I know you are an amazing and valuable PERSON. Whatever you’ve been taught about your body (bombarded with since birth is more like it) is a complete and utter lie.
Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to have sex either. But it’s because I find it extremely difficult to switch off the mom mode and turn on the wife mode. Know what I mean? 24 hours a day I am consumed with child caring tasks, even when the kids are asleep. To switch to caring about my husband’s needs–I find that challenging. Is that weird? Even in the heat of the moment, I’m sometimes thinking about the kids and what needs to be done. Mixing sex with kid-thoughts is really gross and real buzz kill.
Serenity, sometimes I go for months without posting a comment here and then I post one huge conversation like we’re best friends having a sleep over.
Comment by Elle Bee— June 16, 2010 #
I have never really had body issues, but now that I might have to go back on the market I really am. I mean I was with a man for 15 years of my life and even through it all I still know he thinks I’m the sexiest woman alive. Even with the extra stuff since M came into the world. The thought of having to date, being in my 30s and a mom who hasn’t gotten her body back to the way it was scares the hell out of me! If someone gives you the secret PLEASE pass it along!
Comment by Somewhat Ordinary— June 16, 2010 #
I don’t know, Serenity. This makes me sad. I’m obese, and I really need to lose weight, but I don’t care. Like Amy, I know my husband thinks I’m beautiful, and that’s what matters (and one time, I convinced him that if he did all the housework I’d have sex with him every night, and he did it for a week). So I don’t know what to tell you. You’ve worked so hard to look the way you do, and you do look great from the few pics you’ve posted, and it doesn’t sound like you’re getting any benefit from that.
Comment by Deborah— June 16, 2010 #
I shut her up with chocolate.
In all seriousness, after I gained all the weight I had to learn to love myself. I had to realize that this is MY body – the only one I will ever have. Why spend my life walking around hating it? I’m the ONLY person to have to look/deal with this body FOREVER, so I needed to learn to love it and take care of it. Pamper it. Accept it. Nourish it physically as well as my soul with good thoughts and acceptance. It has slowly but surely worked for me. Hope you find what works for you.
Comment by Heather— June 16, 2010 #
so sorry I missed this yesterday, but I think you wrote it about the time I was telling my dr that I wanted the Mirena out mostly because I’m “Fat again..and I hate myself”…I don’t want to have sex for a variety of reasons but one of them is I HATE How I look and feel lately. But you know that.
I have been looking at pics of you, going HOLY COW, Serenity looks AMAZING , but I see that you’re NOT seeing that…and while it hurts me because you’re my friend, I understand. I want you to like what you see, to know that no matter what J finds you UBER ATTRACTIVE in so many ways ..including this new fit body of yours….and wants to be your husband in the “fun ways” .
However, telling you that and having you believe it about yourself is a different story. The Affair with the Italian Businessman MIGHT work and make for good blogging, but J is awesome and I think that the guilt might be worse than the 5 minutes of “FUN”.
honestly, I think that you just have to affirm (Where is that Oprah, Julia Roberts and Jennifer Anniston when you need them) and start slow. Go to J and let him know how you are feeling, what you are feeling and why (if you know) and then work together to get it to the bedroom (or the kitchen table …or …you know wherever).
being a mom is so not sexy…but you’re not just a mom, you’re a beautiful intelligent , amazing woman and a wife to a HOT hubby….let yourself know and enjoy that part of yourself too…and if you find out how…call me.
love ya….lots
xo
Comment by Kir— June 17, 2010 #
I can relate to this post SO much. I hate my body and I completely blame infertility for it. I certainly didn’t think I was perfect before IF, but every month of this has made me feel less and less womanly on the inside and out. Surgeries for both infertility and a breast lump have left me scarred. Fertility drugs have left me bloated. I have stretch marks ON MY ASS for fuck’s sake. But not a baby to prove for it. And my libido? Forget it. Plus, I’m just tired physically and emotionally. So I get where you are coming from. I wish I knew how to fix it or what to do to make it better, but I’m still trying to figure that out…
xo
Comment by Katie— June 17, 2010 #
exhaustion makes every negative part of a personality and character 10x more pronounced. I am horrible with everything when I am exhausted, and sadly, being a parent to a young child almost ensures exhaustion. All I can say is that while more sleep may not make your underlying problems go away, it will make them easier to deal with. Maybe try taking a week to focus on getting more sleep. Take all of the “free time” you have that you might otherwise devote to chores and exercise and just sleep. Might help.
Comment by Casey— June 18, 2010 #
I don’t think the early years of parenting help any woman’s sex drive or body image. Sleep deprivation, combined with very fast eating while you help a toddler, combined with the fact that your body is just not as it was pre-pregnancy, combined with the tension that arises from all the snap decisions that need to be made while caring for a dependent child — these things all add up and totally destroy my libido. And it would take several plastic surgery procedures to fix my C-section “shelf” and low, toneless boobs.
Comment by Ellen K.— June 18, 2010 #
I’m 6lbs lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight, which would make me the skinniest I’ve been in 6 years, yet I’m not happy with my body either. Although I’m not fit like you are, so that’s part of it, cuz I know how I was looking pre-pregnancy with my training and want that again. So all I can say is I understand, cuz I don’t know how to get there either. I think I’ve only ever been there once in my life, and that was when I was 21, a running machine, and starving myself…
Comment by chicklet— June 18, 2010 #
Don’t get any skinnier! You are definitely looking fit and lean already in photos. I have read your next post, and you seem to be making good progress. I guess it will take time. Good luck with everything!
Bea
Comment by Bea— June 20, 2010 #
Oh, yes! I have/do feel this way often. And right now, when I’m pregnant, I am feeling weirdly out of shape, despite the fact that I am the shape I am SUPPOSED to be in – even if I don’t look like a model…
I learned a year or 2 ago that sex w/ my husband isn’t supposed to be about me. Sounds weird because a) huh? and b) duh! all at the same time. But if I focus on how he feels when he’s in the mood, and not how I feel about myself we both get a lot more fulfillment (as long as he’s of the same frame of mind – and he is a very generous lover, so he usually is) that way. You have no idea how many times I have agreed when I REALLY don’t want to and end up realizing that that was EXACTLY what I needed at the moment to make myself feel better. His appreciation for my body – with it’s imperfections and whatnot – makes me feel more beautiful.
Just a thought about trying to change your attitude by doing something you don’t want to and then enjoying it once you’re into it…
Comment by Mama Fuss— June 21, 2010 #