Expecto Patronum.August 3, 2012 at 9:13 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Career angst, Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 5 Comments
So I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks. Because she’s on vacation. And when she first told me, I thought, Great! I can do a test run for this fall when she’s on maternity leave.
It’s not going well. Early this week, as I was commuting into work, the usual cloud of Suck settled back onto me, the weight of it making me nearly cry with hopelessness. It’s kind of like having a Dementor on my shoulder, sucking the happiness from me. It colors my days grey, so that all I can see is the bad, the negative, the stress.
I’m trying to just ride it out. But I’m wondering how the hell I’ll survive my therapist’s maternity leave come next month.
The other thing I’m doing is making lists of Good Things.
My current list?
1. I’m down another 2lbs this week; 4 pounds from my pre-cycle weight and 9 from where I’d LIKE to be.
It’s good because the scale needle has been STUCK for two weeks, it seems. I finally put it together and lost something this week.
2. I FINALLY found a pair of cute running shorts which don’t ride up when I walk or run, despite my man-thighs that rub together.
3. My running has gotten a heckofalot easier from three weeks ago. My hip and IT Band have been bothering me since I started again, but two massage sessions with my running coach have release the knots in my hips. I can now stretch further, foam rolling doesn’t hurt nearly as much, and my running is loose and pain-free. (For now, anyway.)
4. Lucky ran his first race last night. He had an unfortunate debut – he got knocked over by another boy when he tried to turn around and look at me, and he was all indignant dramatic tears and refused to finish, unless I carried him. Thankfully he wasn’t disqualified by me carrying him over the finish line, and he got a ribbon for his troubles.
Which he wouldn’t even LOOK at until Charlie finished running the 5k.
But before Charlie went to the start line, Lucky said to him: Daddy, don’t bump into anyone and fall down!
And when we were watching the runners stream by, Lucky was screaming Go Wicked Fast!!! The finish line is right there! Keep going!
It was after the race, after he saw Charlie finish, that he asked to have his ribbon. And then he was all proud, telling us that he ran a race tonight.
He cracks me up.
5. I am totally digging my Broadway Pandora station. I had forgotten how much of an escape it is to listen to a Broadway show. It makes my commute and my workdays tolerable.
6. I have actually carved out time to create a BUDGET this weekend. As in, Charlie and Lucky will be up in Maine for the weekend and I have HOURS to sit at the computer and plug numbers into a budget and plan out what the next year or two will look for us.
Because, you see. Lucky is in daycare for only one more year, and then he’ll be going to kindergarten. And I have felt strongly, ever since he was born, that I wanted to set up our life so that I could be home to be there when he gets off the bus every afternoon. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to have to send him to an after school program if I can avoid it, at least when he’s so young.*
And in the spirit of being honest?
I loathe my career. Absolutely loathe it.
I was hoping that the “flexible” schedule would help. But really, I don’t HAVE much flexibility here either, because I do daycare pickup and commute into Boston on a daily basis. Which means I need to leave to go into work early and leave work early to go home. It’s really not as flexible as I’d like.
It’s an understatement to say that I’d love to not have to work.
And my therapist has asked me what it would take for that to happen. She actually remarked, Every time you talk about leaving your job or doing something else, it’s always two or three years away. Why is that?
And I never have a response for her.
So the idea that I can make a PLAN for the near future, and figure out if it’s feasible that I cut back my hours even further… or plan for not working at all, which really actually GIVES me flexibility for whatever I choose to do next?
It makes me giddy.
Course, I know that my budget might tell me that we can’t afford for me not to work. But I need to KNOW.
The list above really isn’t as good as a really good Expecto Patronum spell. I keep wanting more chocolate to shake off the Suck, which I can’t really do (see #1 above). But between this list, my running, and the fact that I have figured out that situational depression lifts, eventually…
I’m going to be okay. I think.
*Please understand I don’t judge anyone for using after school programs, in fact, I KNOW that there’s a lot of benefits of doing it. I just really don’t WANT to. It’s irrational and strong and I don’t want to fight it if I don’t need to.