Well. A Different Kind of Limbo.

October 20, 2012 at 8:00 am | Posted in Pregnancy Loss | 16 Comments

No bleeding. Still kind of spotting.

Just waiting.

I hate that I had to add another category. I hate that I’m waiting to miscarry.

I hate all of this.

___________________________

I got a call yesterday. Hello! Confirming your appointment with the Radiology! Group! on Tuesday! October! 23! at nine! thirty! am!, said the disembodied computer voice.

So I called my nurse and left a message, asking her if they still want me to keep it. I’m not bleeding yet, I told her. Not sure if this matters.

I think it does. Because she called me back and told me that I should check in with her next Tuesday, especially if I haven’t started bleeding yet.

Last week, I wanted to avoid a D&C if I could manage it. But I’m not going to lie to you, the waiting for blood part is awful. Awful enough that I told Charlie that next week I might opt for a D&C if my nurse mentions it.

Thank goodness he’s home next week.

______________________

We have three frozen embryos left. Lucky was conceived on a fresh cycle 5 years ago.

I turn 37 next month.

And. I am considering walking away from treatments forever.

I don’t have the energy, or the strength, to do this anymore. I feel like I’m fighting the inevitable, and it’s embarrassing that I can’t just fucking let go of the idea that maybe the NEXT cycle will be it.

It’s too much suffering, too much fail.

Everyone always says it’s worth it if you bring home a baby. I thought it myself, actually – I vividly remember watching him sleep and being overwhelmed with the love. Believing that everything we suffered before bringing home Lucky was worth it.

I don’t know if that’s true anymore. Too many cycles. Too much loss.

Obviously I am in no place to DECIDE anything, of course. So I suggested a break to Charlie, who agreed. We’ll see where we are in 3… 6… 9… 12 months from now. Two years. Whatever. Maybe the desire to do our last cycle (yes, in one cycle. I would like to thaw all three and transfer the best two) and be done forever will win out over the loathing of doing a cycle. I don’t know.

In the meantime, I remain in this other limbo.

Pregnant, but without hope of a baby.

Waiting to bleed.

A cruel place to be.

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16 Comments »

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  1. Can you go in for the ultrasound anyway? If there’s no heartbeat, you can schedule the D&C. And if there is one, well, you’re still in the same limbo you are now. No worse, at least. But all this waiting…it’s so cruel!

    I’m really glad to hear Charlie B is home this week, though. The thought of you going through all this without a husband around…

  2. I was kinda thinking the same thing as PP… Maybe have a u/s to see if anything has changed, then opt for a D&C at that time? I hate this for you so so much…

  3. Bleh. I’m so sorry. I was in a similar situation once–the waiting was torturous. That’s all we infertile people seem to do–wait, hope and agonize. It sucks. Thinking of you…

  4. Limbo of any kind generally sucks but this type of limbo is just the worst. If you were planning to move ahead straight away with an FET, I would suggest a D&C which would have similar effects to an endometrial biopsy and may help aid implantation. If not, though, then you can always stick it out for a natural passage. I have found that I have usually started to bleed within 7-10 days of stopping meds. Do know, though, that a natural bleed does not mean you will pass everything which could still result in a D&C. They will usually monitor beta levels as an indicator.

    I am sorry.

    • Yes, that’s true. My clinic has talked about ultrasound only, though – after the bleed they will bring me in and do an ultrasound to make sure my uterus is empty. I know there’s a chance that it won’t all pass. Which makes this wait even more awful.

  5. Sorry for this horrible place you are in :(

  6. I’m sorry. Having been through something similar, I have an understanding of the kind of hell you are going through right now. I hope you will not have to endure this much longer.

  7. Serenity, I still can’t believe this is happening. You are in my thoughts so much.

    Back when I had my non-viable pregnancy that dragged on for a hellish 9 weeks or so, I was somewhat relieved after D&C (though of course still devastated) — and the pathology info was useful as we investigated my recurrent loss situation later. One thing that surprised me, though, was I still had to go back for multiple betas over the course of the next month to get my level back to zero. I would’ve thought that would’ve happened much quicker, and those clinic-trips were tough for me.

    Ugh, I am so angry you are going through this. So much of what you describe in this quest for #2 and the frozens and the setbacks and the ‘too much’ of it all is definitely something I can relate to. It is so complicated and painful in a different way.

    Wish there was more I could do to help… but here to listen, and sending hugs.

  8. I wish I had advice – or words of wisdom. All I can share is my own experience. We didn’t have frosties and we didn’t have any expectation of ever cycling again since we’d used DE. So we were just relieved to have our “one.” After all that we went through with my health in the last year, we decided to be proactive about shutting any chance of another baby down and I got an IUD. It was sad. Even though we knew it wouldn’t happen anyway, it was sad to admit it and shut down any “miracle”. But I’ll tell you what – it was a chance to make a choice about our future, and after so much uncertainty, taking that choice in our hands felt, and feels, really good. I will always wonder. I will always be wistful. But I also feel like I know what the future holds now and ohmygod it feels so much better than the alternative.

    Wishing you peace – a modicum of it at least. You so, so deserve it.

  9. I read your posts with a knot in my stomach because I feel like I could write (or have written) everything you write. I want another, I can’t handle another failure, I will never forget waiting to miscarry. It’s cruel – your mind knows, your body is fooled…mostly. (((hugs)) I so wish we lived closer to one another.

  10. I’m really sorry you’re stuck in this particular torture zone. Wishing you some peace as you wait for the end.

  11. Wishing you over this hump and that you find closure, whatever it may be.

  12. Oh honey. I’m so so sorry. I know how hard this is. All of it. I chose a D&C because I couldn’t wait anymore. You just have to do what is right for you and it all feels wrong so it’s hard to decide. As for the what to do next, just sit in it and I truly believe it will come to you organically, one way or the other.

    Much love <3 <3 <3

  13. It is just bloody miserable waiting. I have to say I went straight for the D&C, there was no way I was going to hang around waiting for it to happen, but everyone needs to make their own choices on this stuff. Hang in there.

  14. Hi from ICLW. So sorry that you are having to go through this. I had to have a D&C in 1996 when my twins failed to thrive with no heartbeats.

  15. I’m sorry you are still waiting, waiting for the bleeding. Waiting for it to end.
    I opted for the D&C with my miscarriage. Like the pp’s said, I needed it over and done with. I didn’t want to see ‘the clot’, I didn’t want the pain, I just wanted to go to sleep and when I woke up have it be over.
    I really felt like I had nothing more to prove. I was beaten down, angry, upset over the loss. I wanted it done and overwith on MY terms.


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