My Story.

November 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm | Posted in NaBloPoMo, Random Stuff | 8 Comments

Over the years, I’ve questioned whether or not I should keep writing here. I’ve started other blogs, ones that I thought might be less about infertility and more, well, ME. I’ve taken breaks, agonized over walking away, wondered if I should promote myself more. I’ve tried to start in other places, downplay my IF more, be more out there.

I mean, honestly. This space, for a while, stagnated. I took a break, before I realized that I really needed this space.

I write anonymously. I don’t have a blogroll anymore; my reader has changed so much over the past 7 years that it was pretty hard to keep up with my list. I don’t have ads, or actively participate in LFCA, or anything that makes me feel like I’m an active IF advocate anymore.

I mentioned to someone yesterday that even though it’s not factually true, I feel like we’ve been dealing with the pain of IF for seven years. Because it’s how long I’ve been blogging; how long I’ve been thinking and writing about family building.

And maybe it’s because I’ve been telling my story for so long now, but every time I think about moving away from here, moving on, I still come back to this space.

Why?

Because it’s Mine. My story. My story is messy, and painful, and raw right now. And it might not end the way most stories do: with a baby that “completes our family.” Because I’m realizing: Not all fights can be won. And we have been fighting for so long, it feels, that I’m nearly out of energy to continue to fight what I am starting to believe is a losing battle.

But that’s what we’re living.

I’ve seen women talk about feeling like they aren’t really part of this community because they’re not actively doing treatments. Because they’re not infertile enough. Because they are pregnant and feel that awful mix of happiness, fear, and guilt for leaving others behind.

And always, these amazing women question themselves. They tear themselves down.

I feel SO strongly that there is a place for ALL of us in this community. ALL of us, without fail. The women who have stopped treatments. The women who are living child-free. The women who have completed their families. The women who adopt. The women who have their first child, and then struggle for the second. Or who don’t struggle at all.

Your blog is your space. It’s a place for you to tell your story: your life, your hopes, your dreams, your happiness, your sadness. All of it. Infertility, sometimes, is at the forefront – it certainly has been for me these past couple of weeks. But we’re taking a break, and in the near term it’s going to be about Lucky, and my marathon plans, and it’ll give me a place to work through my worries about what might – or might not – be next for us when it comes to family building.

No matter who you are, or where you are in your story, you are a part of this community. You don’t need to be more infertile, or less infertile, or doing treatments, or reading every new blog out there, or participating in everything or anything at all. You can be on a break, in the midst of the Suck, done with family building – by choice or not by choice. We share the same bond: the fact that family building presented challenges for us.

How much of a challenge really doesn’t – and SHOULDN’T – matter.

Period.

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8 Comments »

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  1. Very well said!!!

  2. LOVE this post!!

  3. Thank you for saying this. I hope you’re right. That there is space for all of us. It’s hard to feel that way sometimes. And it seems like a universal theme across the communities, regardless of their focus. Some of the running blogs I read recently blasted posts about people feeling like they weren’t fast enough to consider themselves part of the running community.

    What is it about what brings us together being the thing that often separates us? I think there’s a lot more to deconstruct about why this happens. Maybe that’s the psych major in me. I think we all struggle in various ways in being “enough” of a lot of things that we shouldn’t have to worry about being infertile enough to talk about it.

    That said, I do hope you keep writing and I’m so grateful you have been writing, not just for the community at large but selfishly for myself since we are in such similar circumstances.

  4. Here! Here! Very well said and it echo thoughts I have often had.

  5. love this post, and the next one. Am reading from a community without power so this will be shorter than I want, but sending love to you … for your wide arms, and open heart.

  6. I haven’t been commenting, but I’ve been following. I just wanted to send you my love. I’m sorry for the craptastic end to your last cycle. So many of your feelings I can strongly identify with, so when I read your posts, they really speak to me. Thank you for putting it out there. xx

  7. Thank you for writing this. You summed up how I’ve felt for the last year and a half.

    There is room for all of us, regardless of where we are within IF. I just know, that for me, I have to get out of my own head and silence the voice that says that I don’t have a right to write anymore.

    I also want to let you know how much you’ve been on my mind & in my prayers. I don’t get a chance to comment much, but I’ve been following and am heartbroken for you and Charlie. xoxo

  8. Thank you. I often wonder where I fit in, deep down it may be a reason why I am not writing so much aside from the little time factor. You are right there is room for all of us. x


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