A Fine Balance.

November 13, 2012 at 1:01 am | Posted in Mythical #2, NaBloPoMo, Random Stuff, Stuck with You (aka: Family) | 5 Comments

When I first started blogging 7 years ago, the internet was a different place. I blogged mainly to connect with other people like me. I blogged as an outlet, as a way to work out my feelings.

It was my journal – hidden on the internet. (Which, of course, was smart, right? Put your journal on the internet. Where anyone could read your words, Serenity. Brilliant.)

So okay. Eventually, I figured out my journal writing needed editing. Since then, I’ve tried to blog my life honestly, the way I see things right now.

And over the years I’ve written about things which I did not understand. I have published posts which now make me cringe. Like, for example, the posts about my poor sister-in-law, who did nothing TO me, except to get pregnant before me. How poorly I handled our relationship during her pregnancy. And man, early on when my nephew was born, I did not understand how torturous that newborn time can be on a new mom – particularly when there’s nursing problems to boot.

All I could see was my longing for a baby, and the hope that the pregnancy I never felt I deserved would allow me to bring home a live baby. And I admit: I really want to delete those words I wrote during that time sometimes. I’ve gone back and TRIED to delete words, but then stopped. Because I was not kind. But they’re my words, and it chronicles how I felt at the time.

Or like about my mother. This space is an integral place for me to work out the baggage I have from my childhood. And I say things that are probably NOT very nice about my mother. Because I can, and I’m working through my issues, and I need to get it out to feel okay.

But, you know, my mother has her own story, too. And when I write about the way I see my life, through my viewfinder, I say mean and potentially untrue things about my mother, too.

I’ve wondered what would happen if my mother, or my sister-in-law, or someone I love who didn’t KNOW I blogged found my blog, and read through my archives. Would they see my posts as the way I see my life, through my own lens, or would they just hate the things I said about them? Would they see how I’ve changed over the years? Or would my words wound them, undercut the foundation of our relationship?

I sometimes feel like I need to apologize to them for the words they have no idea I’ve written about them.

My first apology? To my sister in law. I was so awful about her pregnancy with my nephew. Looking back now, she was KIND in how she delivered the news that she was pregnant. She thought about us, worried about us, felt awful for us. And in the intervening years, she actually struggled to stay pregnant. Yes, she gets it now, but she was so good to us when she DIDN’T get it.

And now? She’s been so amazing to us as we do cycle after cycle after cycle for Mythical #2. I would say, outside of my best friends and my sister, I rely on her for emotional support, especially of late as I navigate this early-loss-after-seeing-a-heartbeat Suck. She was the first one to respond with a measure of caution about the first ultrasound, and she’s emailed me to check in often in the past couple of weeks. She’s been so self-deprecating about her own pregnancy, trying to be kind, not wanting to hurt me. Really, she’s an amazing person, and I’m lucky to have her in my life.

Five years ago, I didn’t know her well at all. I know her better now, and I love her, and I was so unkind to her on this blog and in my head about her pregnancy.

And maybe, 5 years from now, I’ll feel the same way about the posts I’ve made about my mother.

(Okay, maybe not.)

As a blogger, I recognize that writing honestly about the story of my life and how it’s unfolding is why I am here. It’s why I’ve been writing for the past 7 years. But then, once it’s set in stone on the interwebs, it’s there forever, for all to see. And eventually, someone close to me will find me. And even though I blog anonymously, anyone who knows me would, well, KNOW me when they came to my blog.

And I’ve said things over the years I have had no business of saying. I felt it at the time, and I blogged honestly about it. And over the years, I’ve started to see the big picture of my life, to really understand something I only glimpsed years ago.

Relationships continue on long after the here and now.

So how do you write about the here and now without affecting, somehow, you future relationship between you and someone you love? How do you write honestly, in the here and now, and not say something that five years later you might regret?

I feel like the best way to do this is the way I’ve gotten through the past couple of weeks.

Be Kind.

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, be kind in your thoughts, be kind with your words.

I just wish I had learned this 5 years ago when I first started blogging.

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5 Comments »

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  1. It is hard to see the impact your words can have when you are in the moment. I accidentally outed myself to my sisters the other day, and while I eventually decided I was ok with them reading my blog, I did wonder how it would read to them- so much sadness and anger for so long.

    I am glad your sil is such a source of support.
    T.

  2. It’s an admirable sentiment, Be Kind. At the same time, writing down how you feel in the here and now, to me, is better. You can’t know how what you think/say/do is going to effect someone in the future. You can only go by what you know now, what your life experience has offered to you now. It’s a fine line of what you ‘should’ be feeling and what you ‘are’ feeling.

    When I blog it’s the raw feelings, the feelings I am feeling not filtered. That’s me. If I wanted I could put disclaimers like, “While I haven’t experienced…”. However, I’m blogging for me. Should someone come across my blog that knows me IRL and gets upset by my words, it would upset me to know that what I wrote hurt them. However, I can’t make apologies. I felt what I felt, thought what I thought. I can’t change that.

    That’s the whole reason I blog (semi) anonymously. I don’t want to have to filter. I have other outlets for that.

    • Right, yes. It’s a balance. There IS the need to write about the here and now, but it shouldn’t be about insulting someone, it should be “wow, this hurts because [insert why here].” I don’t know, some of the stuff I wrote was just so angry and hurtful and I feel badly writing those kind of words now. But – yes, you’re totally right. There also has to be an element of owning those feelings. Which is why I couldn’t delete my words. I felt that way at the time, and wrote it, and it is what it is.

  3. we all say things we wish we hadn’t, but very few take the high road and admit their own mistakes, like you did. thanks for sharing, and being a positive example of an imperfect person growing in this journey called life. also, i am so sorry about your recent loss…

  4. Thank you for theis honest and sobering post. I have just started to Blog about my adventures with my three year old-my first one was pressed a few days ago- and this post has alerted me to something I didn’t acknowledge I knew: in the pursuit of being funny, entertaining, or just plain read, don’t lose your compassion. Especially not for the ones you love- or the ones you don’t love but will have to deal with for the rest of your life ;-)


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