No Real Decision To Make.November 18, 2012 at 6:30 am | Posted in Choosing Happiness., Infertility, Moving On., Mythical #2, NaBloPoMo | 5 Comments
Before bed on Friday night, Lucky was complaining that his legs hurt. My BONES hurt, Mommy! he said.
Growing pains, I figured. I offered him some tylenol, which he took. He went to bed with no issues.
It’s really rare that he wakes overnight, but that night he was up twice – once at 11:30 when he said, I heard something loud outside! Our next door neighbor’s daughter, a senior in high school, had a party last night for Homecoming, and when someone left the music was blasting. It woke me up too. He settled easily though.
At 3:30, though, his throat all clogged with tears, he told me his stomach didn’t feel good and his arms AND legs hurt. And when I climbed into bed to lay down next to him, he threw his arms around me and said, I love you so much, Mommy. You take good care of me.
Lying there in the cold (seriously, freaking COLD) room, watching my son fall asleep, it seems like such a miracle that we have him. Seriously, the shit that needed to align in the universe to put him into my arms boggles my mind.
And I find myself being thankful that the losses I’ve had were AFTER him. Because getting that news on Friday, that our doctor suspects that perhaps there’s still a structural issue with my uterus which is causing losses… I can’t imagine how I would have handled the news prior to becoming a mom.
I mean, it fucking sucks, no two ways about it.
But at the end of the day, I feel differently now. I am no longer willing to go through hell to get my baby (though I could argue that what we’ve dealt with the second time around could be construed as hellish. Three fresh cycles, four frozen cycles, two pregnancies, two losses. Yeah, not so “easy.”) – where I was before.
That awful fear is gone too. I used to wonder: what if I don’t DESERVE a child?
I am a good mother. Not perfect, of course. I’m probably more permissive than I should be, because I have a hard time sometimes enforcing boundaries when there’s a reason not to. I yell a lot more than I want to. I don’t particularly like playing with Lucky, because he makes up these rules and I have to do exactly what he says. (He’s kind of a kid tyrant, really. I mean, honestly, I don’t get to win ONCE? I always have to have the slowest car, plane, etc? *sigh*)
But I listen to him. When I’m mad and he cries and tells me I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME A HUG! I am quick to hug him and remind him I love him all the time, even when I’m mad. I apologize when I’m wrong, or misjudge him. I see him for the person he is – separate from me, with different ideas and opinions.
And in moments like last night, when I’m filled with thankfulness that he’s in my life, and my love is so huge it nearly swallows me whole, I have this clear, definitive belief that we will be okay, the three of us.
We are all we need.
Really, at this point, the emotional costs of doing another cycle are sky high.
But we’ll do it, because we have three embryos left in the freezer. They don’t represent hope, not really.
Mostly I can’t walk away without knowing if one of them will be our Mythical #2.
So really, there’s not much of a decision to MAKE. Take a break, then go back and do one last cycle.
The good news is that I found real peace during our break in 2011. I am looking forward to finding that place again.