Focus.

November 20, 2012 at 8:03 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Choosing Happiness., Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Infertility, Moving On., My life, NaBloPoMo | 6 Comments

Yesterday Cece had a great post about the phrase “get over it,” whether it be something small like a breakup or losing a job… or something big like losing a child, or a spouse.

And I love her point: that grief is woven into the fabric of her life. That image stuck with me most of the day yesterday.

I told you a while back that I am (was?), in a lot of respects, emotionally stunted. The fact of the matter is that I grew up in a house where we weren’t really allowed to have emotions. Therefore, I never really learned how to handle the emotions associated with stuff that was bad.

So I’ve spent years avoiding the bad feelings, and hoping for a life where I was happy: where no bad feelings ever touched me ever again. I guess I just believed that real happiness made it so that the bad stuff didn’t touch you. Or something.

It’s just recently that I’ve discovered that’s not the case.

Case in point: After my meeting with our doctor on Friday, one of the things I came out with was a deep sense of thankfulness. Because it feels like she reminded us just how lucky we were to be parents in the first place.

I used to say that in bitterness, by the way. Well, I guess we got really lucky once. Insert deep sarcasm, with a shrug of my shoulders to hide the pain.

But Friday? I said, out loud: Wow, we got really lucky.

It’s a focus thing, I think.

I can spend my time focused on the unfairness of our infertility, angry with my body for ‘failing,’ jealous of families that get to complete their family, angry at people who don’t understand the depth of our loss…

Or I can focus on the family I have now, the happiness I feel in the moments where Lucky writes his name, or draws me a picture, or throws his arm over my neck at night and says, Mommy? I really love you.

This week is Thanksgiving in the US, and it marks the start, for me, of the Christmas season. And Christmas, for me, is about family, and love, and happiness, and thankfulness. (Probably part of why I was so angry with my mother for skipping Christmas this year. Goes against what this season means for me.)

Last month’s loss – and the uncertainty it brings for our future – is woven into the fabric of our family. And as much as I ache for another child, I am so very thankful for the family I have today.

That is something worth focusing on.

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6 Comments »

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  1. I’m there with you. We’ve been thinking a lot about whether we’ll be able to attempt a second child and when I think about all the hurdles to even trying (finding a surrogate, money, money, money, time, etc), I feel so angry at why our mountain has to be so tall and hard to climb. But yeah, then I look at Daniel, our blessing, and I am so very thankful for him and for science and for awe-inspiring gratitude for the woman who helped us have him.

  2. So very true. I need to keep this in mind as I am crying over my loss of athleticism. It sounds like an insensitive thing to say, “get over it”, but in reality that is sometimes just what you have to do.

    • Cece put it way better than I could. It’s less about “getting over it” than it is it’s an acceptance that the bad stuff can exist RIGHT next to the good stuff. Like for you: it’s okay to mourn your loss of athleticism because you spent 2 years trying to get pregnant AND be thankful that you’re pregnant, all at the same time. Accepting that you feel both ways means you’ve woven it into your life. And then you have a choice to focus on one or to the other, you know?

  3. You always post stuff right when I need to hear them. I had a very unbloggable conversation with a friend that opened all sorts of wounds and created all kinds of doubt and I need to get back to the thankful part of me.

    Thank you.

  4. Yes, the coexistence of emotions (vs their being mutually exclusive) is a very integrated way to live. I was watching Steve Harvey (of all things!) yesterday and he was talking to a woman having a hard time getting over a break-up. He said something along the lines of ‘you can look at your life through the windshield or through your rear view mirror’ and I think that is very true. Yes, there are things to be learned from our experiences, but life is best lived in the present.

  5. I totally get this. Feeling two things at once. Being so grateful and still so sad. So much of the western philosophy emphasizes that there shouldn’t be contradictions in our emotions, but there are. Have a great thanksgiving!


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