Time.

November 27, 2012 at 10:08 am | Posted in My life, Mythical #2, NaBloPoMo, Parenting, Pregnancy Loss | 6 Comments

The thing about birthdays.

It’s not that I am afraid of getting older, or I hate the number I am this year – 37 – or even that it’s close to 40. It’s not actually BEING close to middle aged, which I am.

It’s just that birthdays are a marker. They’re a physical reminder that time flows onward. And it seems over the past few years that time has gone by FASTER than before, like it’s speeding up.

Lucky will be 5 in March. Even though it feels as if he’s been a part of me forever, I have a memory of him being born. In my head, it just yesterday. I remember it vividly – the cool spring air, the dribble of my amniotic fluid, sitting in my car in the parking garage waiting for my OB’s office to call me back, walking to L&D and taking deep breaths to quell the anxiety and worry.

Then those nights in the hospital, him laying next to me, staring at me with those dark eyes of his. The full moon rising outside our hospital window, how the lights of Fenway were on even though it was early March.

It was yesterday; moments ago.

And I’m struggling with the idea that after the two years we’ve been trying, we still don’t even have the HOPE of another baby. I have cycle buddies from the IVF cycles we did for our second who have gone on to have a baby… and are now pregnant again. I used to hope that I’d get pregnant and our son or daughter would be close in age to my niece, who will be three in July. And my sister-in-law will be having my new nephew this week.

It used to feel like we were just marking time. But we are now watching children we love grow up right in front of our eyes. Lucky. My BFF’s new son (how is it possible he’s 7 weeks old already?). My niece and nephew.

It’s just going by so fast. And I know I’m going to blink and Lucky’s going to be off to college, and then I’ll be dancing with him at his wedding, and I’ll wonder where all the time went.

I mean, hell, I’m wondering that NOW. Where the hell has the time GONE? How is it that 2 minutes after I turned 25, I am now 37? How is it that we’ve spent another TWO YEARS on family building? Is it worth it to keep trying, when Lucky will be 6 before he has CHANCE of a sibling?

Should we stop waiting for bus we hope will take us to our Mythical Child and start walking, start DOING something with this time?

I have no answers. And days like yesterday, a day where I’m consistently reminded that time marches ever on, make me wonder and worry that I’ve wasted too much of my life on family building.

And I have this pervasive fear: we’ll not only never end up with another baby, but years from now I’ll look back and regret wasting all this time… on all this heartbreak.

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6 Comments »

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  1. Oh serenity. We are so of like minds right now. I am not sure how it happened but we are in very similar rough spots. And I don’t know how to pull out of it. I cried on the phone to my best friend last night “I just want to be ok being done”. I just don’t know how. I’m trying. And time keeps passing. And I just want to get it back.

    As I say often in this space – you are not alone. Xoxo

  2. We all have problems with time. It seems to go forth at the blink of an eye, in hindsight. What I hope occurs for you is that time will give you perspective. The perspective to see that you have done so much more than family building in these 2 years. Marathons, cruises, half marathons, holidays with Lucky and Charlie, spending time with friends and family.
    So that, when you look back family building will be on the backstage, not the main stage.

  3. I’m so sorry, Serenity. So sorry. I only wish we could see the future and know that your baby awaits you.

  4. It is true that the older we get, the quicker time passes. A year in your life, is 1/37th of it, but to Lucky it is 1/4 of it.

    So much of our perception is how we frame things in our head. If we take IF or baby out of it and insert another life goal, I can’t imagine thinking that expending effort towards its achievement as a waste, even if the goal is far reaching or unattained. Effort is part of the process. I realize that the pursuit of having a chilld in light of IF is an emotional struggle with no guarantee of success. But if the pursuit is something you’ve decided to endeavor, then the effort isn’t wasted. Making an effort to attain the things we want for our lives is at the crux of living. The pain & disappointment of pitfalls & stumbling blocks informs how we should proceed.

    I don’t have a crystal ball nor can anyone tell you how to proceed but I do know that as hard and discouraging as it is right now, you will find your way with it.

  5. How to know the decisions you make now will not make you feel regretful later? That is the struggle. If I had my second child by now, I know I would have these same questions. But because I don’t I will always wonder, did I waste my time trying when there was really no hope? Was it better to have moved on so that I can enjoy every second of what I have? Or did I not try hard enough? Should I have pushed myself to be braver and stronger? Wish I had the answers or knew where to find the answers for you…myself…all of us who are in this situation.

  6. Serenity, my oldest and youngest boy are 6 (almost 7) years apart (nope, didn’t plan it that way..fucking IF) and yes, when they were little there weren’t toys or games in common. But now, at 18 and 24 they are great buds and are the friends I hoped they would be. Don’t let the age difference between Lucky and another try be the deciding factor. That is one thing that will work itself out over time.


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