And Just Like That…December 3, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, Infertility, Pregnancy Loss | 5 Comments
… our weekend is over and it’s December.
It was a great weekend; filled with trips to the zoo and musuem of science and industry and chaos and fun and four-and-five-year-old-Drama and hand-drawn pictures with markers and dance parties until midnight and early mornings and too much food and wine.
We left Charlie today. It was hard to walk away and go into the airport without him. But he’ll be home on Thursday, and is home with us for a whole week… then only has ONE more week in Ohio before he’s done for good.
And I arrived home today to a letter from my RE about our cycle and her recommendation. Which we largely discussed already, so there’s really nothing new in there. It does, however, call out specifically the “11mm septum remnant,” which suggests that my RE believes that I don’t actually have a bicornuate uterus, it’s septate and I still have a little over a centimeter of septum left in there.
And my SIL had my new nephew over the weekend. He’s adorable from the pictures I’ve seen and I’m hoping we’ll get to visit her this week.
I think I’m in Fallout Mode right now. Literally not even a SECOND after I think, I am so thankful our life is simple, I am kicked in the gut with longing. Bitterness. Jealousy. Loss.
These seem to be the pills I’m trying to swallow lately.
And I don’t know why it’s eating me up like this: the idea that it really IS my uterus that is the cause of our failures.
I loathe my body for it.
And I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I have lost all hope in having another baby; I don’t even know if I have it in me to even try again.
But there is no peace.