Unraveling.

December 5, 2012 at 5:11 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Pregnancy Loss | 5 Comments

I have been feeling Not Great lately. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Angry. Tired.

Et cetera.

Which, you know, things are busy. I’m tired. Charlie’s been traveling, yada yada.

But honestly, what’s been getting me lately is what feels like delayed-onset grieving. Okay, yeah, I had a miscarriage. Which was nearly two months ago at this point. Yes, it sucked.

But why do I feel as if I am unraveling NOW?

It wasn’t until yesterday, when I had a conversation with one of my best friends, that it was clear to me.

I haven’t had TIME to really grieve, really process. I haven’t seen my therapist in months. I’ve largely spent most of the time keeping our life going for Lucky and I, marking time in between the weekends Charlie is home. Even my runs right now are squeezed into 30 and 45 minute chunks, where I spend most of my time trying not to stress about the fact that I’m taking time away from working.

So what’s been happening, lately, is the same old, same old – I don’t give myself time and space to grieve. Because, honestly, I don’t really have TIME. I have to keep both Lucky and I fed, and clean, and clothed in clean clothing, and in our normal routines as much as possible. It’s not HARD, but it means I have very little time for the luxury of FEELING.

And right now, the wondering what’s next… well, that wears on me more than I can say. Always before now I’ve had an IDEA of what’s next. We keep cycling until we go through our embryos. Then we’re done.

I don’t KNOW if I can do this again. I really don’t. But I also don’t know if I can walk away from our last three embryos.

What I need to come to terms with is that this could happen again. I could get pregnant, and lose another pregnancy. And quite honestly, I don’t want to do that whole pregnancy then loss thing ever again.

And it’s not just the emotional crap: seeing my embryo’s heartbeat flicker on the ultrasound… thinking: Hi baby! Only to be told moments later what I thought would be our baby was dying. Yes. That part was so fucking hard.

But it’s also the physical suck. FINALLY, two months later, the pain in my glutes from the PIO shots when I run is GONE.

And yes, I am STILL bleeding, 7 weeks after the procedure. Spotting, mostly. But yeah, blood.

For what?

Nothing.

That’s where I am now. All of this. Netted us NOTHING. We are no closer to bringing home a sibling for Lucky than we were 2 years ago when we started. And even worse, it’s looking like IVF might NOT work, and that we just got really, really, REALLY lucky with our son.

Who, of course, with all the babies in our life, is now TALKING about babies. His new thing? Santa Claus brings babies to our house, as long as we’ve been nice and not naughty he’ll leave new babies in our stockings.

I KNOW it’s because so many people we know have new babies, and Lucky doesn’t REALLY grasp the concept of having a sibling, and he’ll ultimately be fine if our family is just the three of us.

It’s just a reminder I don’t need. Because right now reminders of what we might not ever have are everywhere. It’s on FB, in Christmas cards, on the news, on the pantyliner, in my dreams, in my son’s pictures at school.

And I’m having a hard time coping with all of it because I simply don’t have time to grieve.

I hope, anyway. Because there are days like two days ago, when I wrote my last post, where I couldn’t ever see how I’d find Happiness.

Thankfully today is better. I had a great run yesterday, and a productive day and evening (even did work at home. Yay me!) and by the end of the day yesterday I felt like, okay, maybe I WON’T drown in the morass of my life right now.

It’s GOING to get better. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Anyway. I know my posts lately have been complete downers. I don’t like it when I write about heartbreak over and over and over. I DO have things other than stress and heartbreak to talk about, to share with you all.

Thank you for bearing with me these past few weeks.

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5 Comments »

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  1. First of all, writing about the heartbreak IS part of the grieving so don’t get down on yourself. It took me 2.5 years of dealing with Estate stuff to get to the point where I was actually able to fully grieve for my dad because I just never had ‘time’….. and I didn’t have a little one to contend with!! You are doing it your way and that’s ok. Everyone grieves differently, this is just Serenity.

    MG was the same as Lucky. She started asking for “a baby” around the age of 4 1/2 and it got incredibly difficult. It pulls on your heart strings because you want so much to give them what they ask for but explaining it beyond simple terms just isn’t something they can grasp. For us, I think it was the catalyst for her to start feeling a connection to her bio family and it has allowed her the courage to actually reach out more to them and begin the process of forgeing her own relationship with them. Plus we got a puppy and now the desire for a baby has diminished to the point it’s pretty much forgotten.
    I should also point out she doesn’t want a sibling per se, she wants a baby to hold and cuddle, much like she wanted a puppy.

    Whatever path you choose, it’ll be the right one for your family. I will say that I thought I would regret leaving embies on ice and for awhile I did, but now I don’t. It was just a sign to me that we had made the right decision to stop when we did. There’s no right or wrong answer hear – just go with your heart.

  2. I think the not having time to grieve thing is one of the things that makes SIF different from PIF because you already have this person to take care of outside of yourself and that can be so great when the bring the distraction of their cuteness and their cuddles but it can be so hard when you want to feel down and be alone and GRIEVE and you can’t because you have to be there for your child and you don’t want them to see you sad and get upset. And not having your therapist around is also not helping. It’s funny yours comes off maternity leave soo because (supposedly) so does mine. I hope we both get to see them again soon. :(

  3. Esperanza is totally right – having a child to take your mind off grieving (about infertility or anything else) can be a real blessing at times, but it’s also hard when it means you just can’t take time for you. And I’m sure that not having your husband around when you’re feeling that way makes it harder too.

    And it totally sucks that Lucky is asking for a baby now. It always seems like that was something to be grateful for, that he didn’t seem to want one.

    But don’t feel bad about writing about your feelings here. That’s what this space is for. Sometimes I write posts that I *know* nobody IRL would care about, because just writing makes me feel better, and where else can I do it, if not on my blog?

  4. I’m really sorry you haven’t been able to properly grieve and are having such a rough time. My husband is a football coach, so I’m basically a single parent during football season and I know how hard it can be to work and take care of EVERYTHING. It doesn’t allow you much time for yourself. Keep on working out these feelings and you’ll get there.

  5. ((HUGS))


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