More on Self-Kindness.

January 3, 2013 at 10:49 pm | Posted in Choosing Happiness., Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Meditation., Mindful. | 2 Comments

Ack! I didn’t mean to vague-blog about the book – actually had intended on linking it into my post and forgot.

Oops.

The book is called “The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion.”

______________________

I caught a cold in Florida; a tickle in my throat which hasn’t turned into much, but it’s there. Congestion in the mornings. The awful tickle in my throat, which is soothed by tea and honey.

I don’t often take NyQuil, mostly because it either makes me antsy and I can’t sleep, or I sleep really well until I STOP taking it and I can’t manage to fall asleep on my own. But last night, the tickle in my throat was driving me batty. So I took it.

And inevitably I found myself awake at 2am, the medicine worn off and insomnia staring me down.

So I went downstairs, and I made myself some warm milk. And added honey (which, as an aside, is delicious. Milk and honey. Who knew?).

And then I went back upstairs, and as I was laying in bed, I repeated four phrases:

May I be happy.
May I be at peace.
May I live with ease.
May I be free from suffering.

And sure enough, before I knew it, my alarm – Lucky – was waking me up in the morning. And when he came and snuggled with me in bed, I felt better. Mostly.

______________________

Now, see, I don’t KNOW if we’re going to walk away from treatments. And this idea that it’s kinder to walk away from treatments for now doesn’t assuage the longing whenever I hold my nephew, or see pictures of my best friend’s son, or look at his smile.

It’s so hard. So fucking hard.

I wish I was still pregnant. I long for another child with a deep part of me that I can’t explain.

But I also have lost hope in the process. I thought, when we went into this last cycle, we were hopeless. And I came away with even LESS hope than before.

I’ve felt for a long time now that, for us, ART is like running into a brick wall. On paper, we look amazing. I respond so well to medication. We have fantastic embryo quality. We just either don’t get pregnant, or when we do it ends early (the last two times I’ve been pregnant).

And so.

It seems to me kindest to step away from it for now. Do other things. Not make any choices, not real ones anyway.

Really, it’s about not forcing myself to make a choice right now. To allow myself space, and Not Know What’s Next.

I feel like part of my need to always have a PLAN is because it proves I’m working hard to get to where I want to be. What would happen if I just let myself live a bit? With no agenda, no PLAN, no end goal? What kind of person would that make me?

I have regarded myself as fundamentally flawed for so long now, tried to do everything I can to overcome my Fail, that maybe I should just stop FIGHTING it so damn much and see what happens.

______________________

May I be happy.
May I be at peace.
May I live with ease.
May I be free from suffering.

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2 Comments »

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  1. Vague-blog! I love that term :) Thanks for including the name of the book. I was curious!

  2. I became aware of mindbody a year ago. It’s been life changing for me and I’m still using it daily to improve my mind and body. If you’re interested in more reading: dr John sarno mindbody prescription (he is a pioneer). Dr Howard schubiner unlearn your pain (this has a great workbook to deal with childhood & other past hurts) and comes with 4 great meditations. Also, please read this: http://www.enlightenedfeelings.com/symptoms.html – Eye opening! Best wishes for a happy, healthy, relaxed new year. :)


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