Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable.

February 5, 2013 at 2:19 pm | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Infertility, Moving On. | 7 Comments

For those of you who have read this blog for years, or know me in person, my next statement won’t be too much of a surprise.

I have a really hard time managing without a PLAN.

(Told you!)

Back in the day, in the suck of trying for Lucky, I took great comfort in having a plan for the next cycle. Knowing that we were going to try again at X date made the breaks we took bearable, made the pregnancy – and birth announcements – easier to handle. I felt like my RE clearly couldn’t guarantee us a baby, but everything we did and planned on doing in subsequent cycles would lead us to the goal of a live baby.

The thing is, now. Our truth: Treatments are not a panacea.

We do more treatments, we risk more negatives and more miscarriages. Yes, we might get lucky again, over time, and one of those embryos might implant in the “right” place in my uterus, and result in a live birth. But it’s a product of LUCK, not of planning and work and foresight.

And it could – probably will, actually – cost us a lot more heartbreak.

I’m not sure I’m willing to endure more. I’ve already suffered enough on this path. Every time I think about going back and using up our final two embryos, my heart constricts.

I can’t do another miscarriage. I just can’t. It’s too much for me.

But I can’t walk away yet, either.

And it’s interesting: I feel like the idea of ending treatments forever is a loose tooth. I’ve been pushing it around with my tongue, sucking on it, wiggling it until it’s nearly out… but the damn tooth is still connected by a string. And I know – a quick yank, a pull, a tug will make it come out of my mouth, but it’ll hurt. And maybe bleed.

I can’t walk away, but I can’t do more treatments.

So I’m doing nothing.

Which, in itself, is a decision. Except I am not comfortable with not having a plan, with not knowing what we’re going to DO next. I don’t know if we’re going to walk away, or if we’re going to screw up the courage to go back and do another cycle.

And it’s silly, really. Because there’s no earthly REASON why I NEED to have a plan, a decision made. Those embryos are not going anywhere. Lucky and Mythical #2 will already be nearly 6 years apart in age – we already forfeited the “playmate sibling” timing. What’s another few months, a year? It really doesn’t MATTER.

So I’ve been spending my time trying to figure out why I am so anxious and uncomfortable without having a plan. I don’t really have any ideas, either. I just know I don’t like the Not Knowing what we’re going to do, and I really want to DO something.

Except I can’t do it right now.

I have this sense that it’s really GOOD for me to be in this place. Because always, with my life, I’ve always planned what’s next, and you know, life doesn’t always work that way. The best laid plans, and all. And the fact that I’m uncomfortable suggests to me that there’s something that’s deeply rooted in me that drives me to manipulate my life whenever I feel uncomfortable.

So I’m sitting with this anxiety. Not happy about it, mind you, but I’m curious.

What happens if I just sit here and don’t decide?

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7 Comments »

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  1. As I learned during my own struggle with not having a plan, deciding to not deciding, allowing oneself to ‘be’ with the discomfort and anxiety that that may cause, is a decision in itself. That was something I could grab on to.

    I will also say that as I was going back and forth (what were we going to do, were we going to do anything, etc) someone posted a comment to my blog, “What are you afraid of?” and it really stopped me in my tracks and caused me to look inward to answer that very question. What was I afraid of if we didn’t proceed with #2 or if we did?

    At any rate, it proved to be a turning point for me.

  2. I echo IIWII. The biggest decision we made, was not to make a decision. Heck, I still think of those frozen embies as my ability to change my mind, even though I know in my heart of hearts that our family is now complete. But I didn’t know it then and it took a long time for me to make the decision.
    I too felt at odds with not having a plan. I was restless and instead focused on other areas of my life that had taken a back seat during our ART years. I re-discovered some enjoyable aspects of my life that had been left behind and eventually, I realized my focus had shifted. There was no 1 defining moment for me, just time.

  3. I would go mental if I didn’t have a plan. And if I couldn’t have a plan for 2.0, I would compensate by overplanning every single other aspect of my life. So I will be very interested to see how you manage consciously not making a decision (we are so very much alike at times).
    xoxo
    T.

  4. What an eye opening post. Thank you for writing about this.

    In my desperate need to have a plan and know what we’ll do if another 12-18 months of TTC (Lawd help me) doesn’t result in a second child, I’m starting to look into adoption. Even though we probably can’t afford it and my partner probably won’t want to do it, right now I HAVE to have that plan B. I just have to. Because we are basically at the end of our road. We can’t do treatments and we have no reason to believe that TTC will work with both our issues so a plan B needs to be made but the thing is there really isn’t one for us so I’m making one up at this point, just to get me through the days. Is my hope that when I revisit it all later I will be at a different place and I will be able to make the hard decision that right now is too hard to make. Like when you save something during one move because you can’t bear to let it go and then during the next move you’re totally okay with giving it away. I’m guess I’m hoping that in time I’ll feel better about walking away. Maybe that is what you’re waiting for? To feel differently about it than you do now? Maybe that means you’re more willing to risk the pain of a miscarriage and do treatments again or maybe that means your okay enough to walk away. But time changes things and maybe you’re just waiting for that to happen.

    As always, abiding with you.

  5. This is a great post.

    I think you will decide, in the fullness of time. And in the meantime, deciding to wait for time to reach that fullness is excellent advice. You’ve got a bit to work through before you’re ready to come back to this decision, it seems – perfectly understandable. Of course, so is your desire to be on the other side of that hurdle already, without all the wearying emotional stuff in between.

    …I guess that’s not really a great answer. Hopefully you will get there in the end.

  6. When I read the title of this I smiled. “Get comfortable with being uncomfortable” has been my motto lately. I have a Power Yoga DVD where the instructor says this during a difficult pose. I loved it and through out the course of my day say it at least a dozen times. My life had always been comfortable and even in the midst of chaos I’ve held on to those things I’m familiar with in a vice grip. Decisions are like the plague for me. If I can avoid them I will at all costs. I’m so scared to make the wrong move. It’s proven to be a good thing lately and life seems to make more sense when I’m not constantly trying to control outcomes. Like you I’m a planner. At 18 years old I fell in love and mapped out my life-college, marriage, 3 babies, house on the water, and rocking on the front porch with him as we watched grandchildren. I never planned on infertility, depression and then his addiction. At this point in my life every plan I’ve had has been totally blown out of the water. It pissed me off for the longest time! Today I have no plan and I’m actually just fine with that because life happens and we can’t plan the future. We can take steps towards things, but we can’t really plan a damn thing. I read every morning before m wakes up and ironically right before I read this blog post I had read this in a daily reader for February 6 “When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, I probably won’t get the results I seek. As the saying goes, ‘When in doubt, don’t.” I’ve sat in indecision for a few years and recently the answers started to become more clear. Are the answers what I wanted? Probably not, but they are unveiling to me something I didn’t know I needed. It’s totally ok not to make decisions or plan. This whole thing was a long winded way of saying whatever happens you WILL be okay, Serenity. Things may not happen in the time you want them to, but I see a lot of growth going on in you and maybe that is needed before you can really decide what to do. As always I hope you find the serenity you deserve.

  7. I don’t have kids yet but I was reading in people magazine all these celebs saying this book changed their lives forever: parenting without power struggles by dr stiffelman. I don’t know if it’ll help but it popped into my head. It got great reviews. I think it’s great ur working on ur yelling (I’m working on a ton of things myself:). My husband is a yeller. I was screamed at by my mom ALL of the time. I walked on egg shells until my teens. When my husband yells it brings me right back to that time (the whole emotional memory thing. Thanks, amygdala:). So, my husband’s been working on this bc I lcould not stand it much longer. He’s been much better. It’s our only real problem in an otherwise super happy marriage so I’m very happy he’s doing better the last few months. Best of luck. I’m sure you’ll make progress. U sound a lot like me, when u put ur mind to something, you give it 100% :)


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