Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable.February 5, 2013 at 2:19 pm | Posted in another cycle! (aka: deja vu), Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Infertility, Moving On. | 7 Comments
For those of you who have read this blog for years, or know me in person, my next statement won’t be too much of a surprise.
I have a really hard time managing without a PLAN.
Back in the day, in the suck of trying for Lucky, I took great comfort in having a plan for the next cycle. Knowing that we were going to try again at X date made the breaks we took bearable, made the pregnancy – and birth announcements – easier to handle. I felt like my RE clearly couldn’t guarantee us a baby, but everything we did and planned on doing in subsequent cycles would lead us to the goal of a live baby.
The thing is, now. Our truth: Treatments are not a panacea.
We do more treatments, we risk more negatives and more miscarriages. Yes, we might get lucky again, over time, and one of those embryos might implant in the “right” place in my uterus, and result in a live birth. But it’s a product of LUCK, not of planning and work and foresight.
And it could – probably will, actually – cost us a lot more heartbreak.
I’m not sure I’m willing to endure more. I’ve already suffered enough on this path. Every time I think about going back and using up our final two embryos, my heart constricts.
I can’t do another miscarriage. I just can’t. It’s too much for me.
But I can’t walk away yet, either.
And it’s interesting: I feel like the idea of ending treatments forever is a loose tooth. I’ve been pushing it around with my tongue, sucking on it, wiggling it until it’s nearly out… but the damn tooth is still connected by a string. And I know – a quick yank, a pull, a tug will make it come out of my mouth, but it’ll hurt. And maybe bleed.
I can’t walk away, but I can’t do more treatments.
So I’m doing nothing.
Which, in itself, is a decision. Except I am not comfortable with not having a plan, with not knowing what we’re going to DO next. I don’t know if we’re going to walk away, or if we’re going to screw up the courage to go back and do another cycle.
And it’s silly, really. Because there’s no earthly REASON why I NEED to have a plan, a decision made. Those embryos are not going anywhere. Lucky and Mythical #2 will already be nearly 6 years apart in age – we already forfeited the “playmate sibling” timing. What’s another few months, a year? It really doesn’t MATTER.
So I’ve been spending my time trying to figure out why I am so anxious and uncomfortable without having a plan. I don’t really have any ideas, either. I just know I don’t like the Not Knowing what we’re going to do, and I really want to DO something.
Except I can’t do it right now.
I have this sense that it’s really GOOD for me to be in this place. Because always, with my life, I’ve always planned what’s next, and you know, life doesn’t always work that way. The best laid plans, and all. And the fact that I’m uncomfortable suggests to me that there’s something that’s deeply rooted in me that drives me to manipulate my life whenever I feel uncomfortable.
So I’m sitting with this anxiety. Not happy about it, mind you, but I’m curious.
What happens if I just sit here and don’t decide?