Lucky. No, REALLY Lucky.

March 5, 2013 at 10:52 pm | Posted in A Year of Mindfulness, Choosing Happiness. | 18 Comments

Please don’t hate me for posting and then running away. I promise I’m still here, still alive.

It’s work. OMG, people, it’s killing me. I’m with a new client where I’m filling in for an accounting manager who is on maternity leave (yes, I know. The irony!) and it’s just NUTTY. Regular payrolls, off-cycle payrolls, invoice reviews, journal entries, month end close.

As much as I hate the detail orientation of my job, at least I’m busy. And I have to admit, I like the breakneck pace. So that’s something.

But anyway.

Because I am so damn busy, my best thinking time, right now, is usually on my weekend long runs.

And the thought struck me this past weekend.

We got really lucky when we brought home our son.

And yes, I know, I’ve said that before. But always with bitterness, the taste of my broken dreams on my tongue. With the pain of struggling and two miscarriages and no hope left as part of that sentence.

I’ve been so focused on how much it hurts that we just got lucky that I’ve ignored the fact we got really, really lucky in the first place.

But the thing is. We DID get lucky. We really did.

And what would it be like to focus on the fact that we got lucky when we brought home our son? To embrace what a miracle it is that THAT embryo implanted in a place in my uterus which was able to sustain him, and my body nourished him for 37 weeks and 2 days?

What would it be like to forgive my body for not being able to have another child? To accept it as a part of me, faulty uterus and all, because it was that body that carried our son, that fed him for most of the first year of his life, that tickles and embraces and wraps around him as he grows?

I am so tired of resisting, of fighting my body, of tasting bitterness whenever I look in the mirror. Yeah, I might look better than I did, but this body still failed me.

It’s like I’m so myopically focused on the Fail that I forget what my body can DO, how lucky I really AM.

I have a good life.

What would it be like to spend time focusing on the good?

I don’t know.

But I’m going to start.

I need to find a way to move on. And I know, seeing a post on FB about how “being an only child sucks!” will hurt. And the question, “is he your only?” will hurt, too.

But we are lucky, too. Lucky AND unlucky. And it’s time I start looking at the whole picture.

This weekend, I ran a 10 mile race. And at the start, when I got my number, there was a table where a woman was selling t-shirts. The Company is called the b positive project, and they had t-shirts for St. Patrick’s Day.

Which, as all of you know, is Lucky’s 5th birthday this year.

So I bought a shirt, and I got home and put it on. Fit perfectly.

And tonight, when I showed my nearly 5-year old the shirt, he told me to put it on. When I did, he said to me: Mommy! I like that shirt – it looks like my hat. I want to take a picture of you!

I hate having pictures taken of me. And this one – my hair was a mess, and so was our kitchen. And really, no, I don’t want a picture taken of me, thanks. I’m good.

But hey. He wanted to do it. And really, why not?

So I gave him my iPhone, and watched him as he stepped back, said, Say cheese, Mommy! Look pretty! and carefully took a picture of me.

The time is going by so quickly; with every day he’s growing up, learning something new, teaching me about patience, and love, and parenting. He makes me a better person.

He is my joy, even when he drives me batty.

And so. Here’s the picture he took of me today. Me, in my messy kitchen, ripped slippers, messy hair, and all. This is my life.

I am so very lucky.

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18 Comments »

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  1. Hey, I’m an only child and it doesn’t HAVE to suck. :) Sure there are aspects of it that suck. But that’s true of anything. I have friends who would say having siblings sucks. The grass is always greener. Sure, it sucked when my mom died because my father and I have a very strained relationship. But, it also means I treasure my friendships. I have a friend who I think of as a sister- truly to the point that we spend holidays together, her family has adopted us. I get to be “auntie” to her kids, It can be just fine. :)

  2. I love this post. And I love this picture! You look fantastic. I hope you can keep focusing on the positive so that life feels good again. Because you’re right, you’re lucky and unlucky, just like everyone else. And it’s important to give the lucky credit too.

  3. Aw: what a great picture :) I love this post, and I think a lot of women who have gone through infertility can relate.

    “It’s like I’m so myopically focused on the Fail that I forget what my body can DO, how lucky I really AM.”

    THIS. Thanks for reminding us all!

  4. Love it. That is what focus on – the lucky bits! Enjoy!

  5. Really, really good post. You are so right that it is easy to step over what went right in order to focus on what went wrong and how much you wish things were different. But your Lucky is a true, true miracle, and I think it is amazing that you are trying to really see that rather than seeing him in the context of the lack of a 2.0 and wondering why you couldn’t get lucky again.

    You look amazing, by the way. Super fit and healthy and strong.
    xoxo
    T.

  6. It so happens that I LOVE this picture. You look happy.

    And isn’t it useful, sometimes, to see ourselves through the eyes of others, especially our children, if we are lucky enough to have them? :)

  7. Lucky is right – and you look fantastic!!

  8. Lucky indeed! And you look great, by the way!

    I’ve never really said that I felt lucky with any bitterness- I’ve always considered my grief to be a completely separate entity. It is absolutely possible to feel lucky in some ways, unlucky in others. To count your blessings and your misfortunes at the same time. Its so nice when you have a day, though, where happiness seems to outweigh the grief, isn’t it? I’m so happy to hear things are good for you right now…. enjoy! :)

  9. Skinny Minnie! Look at you! You look like a fast runner!

    I don’t think that being an only child sucks…I have several friends who were only children and LOVED it…they actually agonized over whether to have a 2nd kid because they thought being an only child was ideal. The only reason they ended up chosing to have a 2nd kid was because they’re spouses wanted one. I know that may feel irrelevant because they had a freaking choice….but just because you have one kid, or two kids, or ten kids doesn’t mean your kid (or you) are going to have a good or better life. It just is. One of my friends who was an only child not by her parents choice said that she always felt so treasured in life and that her parents were at every one of her cheerleading gigs in HS. As one of four kids, I can only remember my parents coming to one of my track meets. Otherwise they were too busy.

    Anyway, I know you beat yourself up over not making the right decision (as you see it in retrospect) or feeling that you failed, but if you look at the areas in your life where you have had to survive by sheer force of will…DAMN girl…you are a strong woman. A lot of people won’t even consider doing IVF. Or do one cycle and say never again. You have been knocked down by life and YOU GET UP AGAIN. And again. And again. You are strong. Shitty stuff has happened to you and you have found a way to see brightnes and joy. You are resilient. Anyway, I have been reading along, but not able to post at work and just wanted you to know this.

    Lucky is freaking brilliant and adorable.

  10. This pic reminded me of this story. I think you’ll like it.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/mom-pictures-with-kids_b_1926073.html

  11. You look fantastic – and joyful.

  12. Here from the roundup. I love this. LOVE IT. Exactly what I needed to read in this very moment and is easing the pain that had suddenly taken over the day. You are lucky. So am I.

  13. Also here from the round-up. I’m glad you’re lucky, and that you feel it. Knowing, and feeling are different, as you’re finding out.

    Forgiving yourself – forgiving your body – is a huge step to take, but a really important one. I wrote this a while ago about my body: http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2011/08/accepting-my-body.html

  14. You reminded me of a very important thing. Thanks to Mel, for leading me here.

    Ruminating on what you said.

  15. Ah, I could have written this post myself. In lamenting how hard things have been for me, I also remind myself that I have been oh so very lucky. It is likely we may never have a second, and yet this highlights even more how incredibly lucky we were to have had our first. (Here from blog roundup!)

    Love the shirt and the positive outlook!!

  16. I haven’t been good about responding lately because I read blog posts throughout the day and forget to go back later and comment when I have time to do so. But, know I am here. Lovely post, and I hope that one day you can feel as good inside as you look on the outside.

    XOXO

  17. Dear you look awesome and so graceful. We are lucky to have you back


    Sarah


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