The Good And The Bad.

May 3, 2014 at 4:15 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

That’s it, isn’t it.

The path to happiness is going to have good days and bad. And the only thing I can do is keep moving forward, until one day I realize that the good days outnumber the bad.

Which. Actually, if I’m being honest, they do now.

The flip out: a perfect storm of the fallout from spending a week at my parents’s house, hormones, the end of my marathon training cycle, and money stress.

The trip to Texas forced me to confront the reality: my parents are alcoholics. Highly functioning ones, but alcoholics nonetheless. They pose no danger to anyone but themselves; they have a strict rule that there is no driving after ANY alcoholic beverage. Period.

But they are drunk every evening. My siblings and I cannot call past a certain time in the evening because we’ve had actual conversations which my mother and father have not remembered we’ve called. Their routine: 4 or 5 or 10 (I lost count, honestly) martinis until they pass out on the couch in front of the TV.

Lucky was spared this; the bulk of their drinking was done after he went to bed every night.

But I was not.

I know I cannot control it, that this is their choice, and quite honestly, I don’t have the energy to fight them in order to make them see that their drinking is a problem. Maybe it’s only a problem in MY eyes; they certainly aren’t hurting anyone else, and I don’t really even KNOW that they’ll die younger because of their drinking.

Still, though, it was really hard to watch. There were multiple nights where I went to bed early and put on headphones because I could not deal with the ridiculousness of my mother while inebriated.

Hormones: well, the day I posted my rant, I got AF. And no matter how far away from treatments I get, ovulation and AF signify a waste of yet another egg, another cycle.

Also – I run my marathon next Sunday, so I’m in what’s known as the taper phase of training right now. Basically, I’m running much less mileage as I was even three weeks ago. And as the fatigue from my cumulative miles lifts, I find myself antsy and on edge a lot more. 

And I haven’t been working much the past couple of months. Combined with the month of April where we paid some money to the government in taxes, I had to pay my Q1 estimated taxes, AND we had to replace an exterior door (which was surprisingly much more expensive than I thought it would be!)… I’m not feeling as secure with money.

I’m really struggling here; we’re trying to get to a place where we just live off Charlie’s income so we can pay down the little debt we have (student loans, our HELOC and our mortgage) so in the future I don’t HAVE to work.

The problem is, I kind of hate working anyway, so living like we have no money AND feeling like I have to work makes me resentful.

Anyway. That’s where I was coming from in my last post.

It really isn’t all that bad all the time – it just was yesterday. And when it’s bad, I get scared and panicky and I want to beat myself up for not being different. I mean, really, Serenity, just deal with what you’ve been given. You’re LUCKY. How come you can’t just freaking MOVE ON?

And that’s the thing. I seem to have this idea that moving on means I won’t ever feel sad or scared or panicky or beat myself up.

But life is made up of BOTH the good and the bad. And I need to accept – maybe even embrace – it all.

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2 Comments »

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  1. Ugh, I don’t have anything even remotely wise to say about your parents drinking. I can certainly imagine not wanting to be around it.

    Yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about you, our texts, these posts, how ‘coming to terms’ is a journey and not a destination (like one day we won’t have “come to terms” and be done, but that it is an evolution, an unfolding, a process). I liken it to grief, losing my brother. I will never be OK with it, there is not a time I don’t miss him or what could have been, but I have adjusted to life without him and that adjustment is just part of who I am now. I still cry, I still get angry that it happened to him, to me, to our family, but I have learned (trained myself?) to live WITH it.

    And, you know I struggle with ever posting anything that might make me seem ungrateful especially in light of your efforts to have another child, but I feel similarly with knowing I will never be pregnant again, never have another infant to raise, never experience the integration of another child into our family or need to research new gear or celebrate the impending arrival of new life. It catches me off guard (a post from a blogger about their international adoption experience adopting their 3rd child, a girl to add to their family of boys) or the pinterest board of a friend, newly pregnant with #1 and remembering the giddy anticipation. Even though I had a successful, demanding, challenging and rewarding career, it doesn’t hold a candle to the satisfaction I get in being a mother. And, I know I’m not always even the best mother I can be as life’s frustrations overflow to reactions. Would I love another child? Yes. Do I still fantasize about maybe even adopting? You bet. Do I know, in my heart of hearts that that will never ever ever be the case? Indeed.

    The heart wants what it wants even when it knows it can’t have it.

  2. You know you are allowed to have crap days right? Crap weeks? Heck, I did a whole summer of “mid-life crisis” a couple years ago where I completely checked out of my life. Sometimes, we just have to do what we have to do to let out all the bottled up stuff we keep hidden deep inside.

    Everyone has demons. Sometimes we deal with them well. Other times, not so much. And if the good days are out numbering the bad? Well, that’s a step in the right direction. Like others have said, it’s a process and believe it or not, you are moving forward. It’s just not the type of forward you are used to seeing.


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