Flummoxed.

June 1, 2014 at 4:21 pm | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy) | 4 Comments

We went to a Memorial Day gathering with all my college friends last weekend. And I’m not entirely sure why, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable the entire day.

Which is really odd. My BFF was there. Her husband. Other friends who we see pretty regularly.

And then, too. These people were my family at one point in my life; closest to me. I’ve known some of these friends for more than half of my life.

I couldn’t really explain why it was so awkward, though I feel like it was the question: What have you been up to?

The answer, really, is not much.  And I felt like I had some secret, again – like I was hiding some kind of dark failure from everyone.

I was surprised and taken aback to feel this way.

And my therapist suggested that maybe if I wasn’t so focused on what people thought of me and my life; whether I met some kind of external criteria of “success,” I might not feel so gawky and awkward and bumbling. And she challenged me to spend some time writing down what I want from a week. Not the overall, arching LIFE GOALS – just a few simple things I want from my week.

I left her office feeling excited, because OMG her homework dovetails precisely into Athena and what I want to get out of her.

Except. I’ve spent EVERY DAY since then with the open book, on a page called “Wants…”

And I have nothing to write.

Quite literally, my mind goes blank.

What do I want from this week? From today?

I have no idea.

It’s scaring me a little, the idea that I really have no idea what I might want in a given week. Or maybe it’s really the fear of writing something down because I’m afraid I won’t get it.

Either way, I’m not sure what to write.

And I’m not really sure what to do about it.

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4 Comments »

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  1. Is she looking for simple things, like “I want to not lose my patience with my child?” “I want to not be late to work?” “I want to keep my kitchen floor from getting too gross?” Those would be a few of mine.

    Maybe you could try looking back on a good day or week and thinking about what made it that way. I don’t know if that might help.

  2. That is so compelling to me. My husband is always asking me these things- from what I want to eat to what I want. And…it drives him crazy that I can’t answer. That I have a hard time telling if I want to eat let alone what I want to eat. And that it then takes me an hour to figure out what that something will be. And for bigger decisions. Well, I got my big want: We are home finally, in the area I wanted to live, and I have him, and I have our puppy who is my baby. Otherwise? Umm. I don’t know what I want. Sure, there are the little things- I want to be happy with work, I want the house to be clean, I want to lose 10 lbs (And I’m working hard on that one thank you) but big GOALS. big WANTS. I too have no idea. This post really resonated with me. Good luck.

  3. I would have an awfully hard time answering that question! I do try to keep a list of what constitutes a good day or feeling that I’m on top of everything. When I feel like things are out of control, this list is a good reference point.

    We have a “K. Family Wish List” on our fridge. It’s a baseball card holder sheet, with a picture or idea in most pockets. Some are financial goals or travel goals, and others are ideals or values.

    On Sunday nights, I make another list of everything I want to get done that week. I attach it to my planner, and I throw it away on the next Sunday.

    But theoretically speaking? I still would not be able to write down a daily “wants” list. And in a reunion setting, I’d be pretty quiet.

    BTW, when D and I first started dating, he had a group of 10 or more friends whom he called “The Family.” This annoyed me then and makes me roll my eyes now. Perhaps two of them have remained his close friends.

  4. I understand feeling awkward like that. Embarrassed of sorts. That life didn’t turn out the way expected and surely everyone must see this. At least that was my interpretation of what you wrote. As for wants…I want to experience “flow” once a day…either in enjoying and connecting with my children or doing something. I so very rarely am able to accomplish that.


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