No pressure or anything.

February 19, 2007 at 1:08 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 32 Comments

Have I mentioned recently that my sister in law is currently pregnant?

No?

Oh yeah. It’s because I’m really trying to forget about it. Because every time I think “she’s pregnant,” I want to cry and scream and yell with the unfairness of it all. So right now, my best coping mechanism is complete and utter denial. And, so far, she seems to be ok with pretending she’s not pregnant around me either. Which works fine for me.

I figure that I can’t live in denial for the rest of her pregnancy. But I know it’ll be much easier to come to acceptance if I am, in fact, p——- as well.

At any rate, my mother in law called me this weekend and told me the date of K’s baby shower. (Foolishly, I had said that I wanted to be involved with it – mostly because I thought it would be important for family politics. I thought I could help with the decorations, games, occupy myself in the kitchen – keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t have to see her open all those tiny outfits and blankets, etc. Foolish.) Her shower was scheduled for the weekend in which J and I will be in Italy. Shucks, I guess we wouldn’t be able to make it. And I told my mother in law, who was disappointed, but who understood. I told her that to tell K I was really sorry I couldn’t be there, that I hope she didn’t think I was avoiding her because of the whole infertility thing. Etc. And I offered to make some of the decorations ahead of time so I felt like I was involved, at least a little bit.

I may have overdone it a bit.

Because my MIL called me back later that night. K is adamant I be at her shower; she “doesn’t want there to be any divide between us.” So she suggested the first couple of weekends in June so that I could be there. And I found myself telling my extremely stressed out mother in law that whatever date in June she set for the shower, I would absolutely be there.

Well fuck.

Thing is… I don’t WANT to go to her shower. I haven’t been to a shower pretty since pretty much January 2006. Words cannot convey how much I fucking.HATE.baby showers.

About the only way I can handle it is if I’m p——- myself, and we all know that IVF might not work this time as well. In with the new hope that my new Ute is going to be the tipping point, I am also trying to subdue my cynicism in which I believe that there might be more to our implantation problems then just a septum. Mostly because, in all my research, I have never seen definitive proof that a septum is the cause of infertility. Recurrent miscarriage, yes. Infertility, no. It just seems too EASY of a reason.

All I can think? This “now with more uterus!” thing better work.

Because if it doesn’t, I don’t know how I’m going to manage to get through the shower.

And the birth.

Et cetera.

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  1. If you aren’t pg by then, do not feel any pressure at all to go. Baby showers are way too much to ask, in my opinion. Hopefully it won’t even be an issue, but you have to protect yourself! I will not be able to go to a shower until I have a baby of my own in my arms! 🙂

  2. I’m like you, Serenity. I haven’t been to a baby shower in a super long time. In fact, if I remember correctly, it’s been nearly two years now. Self-preservation is always #1. Please take care of YOU whatever you decide to do (but personally, I just hope the IVF works and it’s all a non-issue).
    HUGS!!

  3. What if you suddenly get food poisoning? I would love to come cook for you – it makes BigP ill quite often…just a thought.

    I really thought you dodged the bullet when you said you would be in Italy.

  4. i don’t think you should go. its too much. and don’t apologize for not wanting to go. send them an arrticle about how painful baby things…especially showers are for infertiles. I would cut and paste certain parts of this article to them:
    http://pregnancy.about.com/od/babyshowers/a/showeretiquette.htm

    or, if you must go:
    http://infertility.about.com/b/a/148935.htm (i love the “get the mom to be the nosiest toy ever”)

    i really don’t think you should go…and as my psychologist said to me the other day “who’s your advocate!!?…who looks out for you…if you don’t?”

  5. :(….I can so relate. Since trying (apprx. 21/2 years) I’ve been lucky that all of the babies born were either 2nd children or too far away for me to attend.

    Now, in probably the most difficult part of my infertility, I have three in the next few months. I’m truly petrified about going, and I’m equally petrified about not going.

    I would like to hide under my desk at work (most people wouldn’t know to look under there).

    Sorry.

  6. I successfully backed out of two showers by being honest with the mom-to-be in a frank phone call telling them how happy I am for them but that seeing all that baby gear was like being covered in papercuts and forced to roll in alcohol. They appreciated my honesty and I was able to give them a teeny glimmer of my hell.

  7. I would give her a call closer to the date and tell her you are sorry, but it is simply too much to ask right now to attend a baby shower with all you are personally going through, and send a nice gift for her along with another invitee. If she doesn’t understand that, I’d be shocked. Baby showers for infertiles are like the olympics for salt rubbing. Terribly painful. Take care of YOU first.

  8. Self-preservation girl… call in ‘sick’ at the last minute if you have to!

    Take care

  9. Love the “now with more uterus”. Awesome.

    Now, I have to be honest, I love a good party, but I HATE showers of any kind. I even disliked my own bridal shower with my first marriage. It all seemed like a bit much to me. I just would like to keep things simple. So, given the circumstances, I wouldn’t blame you at all if you mysteriously were absent from this baby shower. I have hosted 2 baby showers for friends in order to try to make up for my bitterness. It really didn’t help at all, and now I am bitter that I spent so much of our tiny little bank account on the two of them. Grrr.

  10. Chiming in from the peanut gallery here: Ditto. You shouldn’t go.

    Can you call her? Explain that this is all very painful for you (great explanations above about how much this hurts – I’d like to add: it’s the equivalent of jumping into a vat of hydrochloric acid for a little swim). If she truly doesn’t want “any divide” between you, she’ll respect your pain and understand why you can’t be there.

    Nothing says you have to do this – take care of you first.

  11. My immediate family doesn’t know about our IF, so it was pretty brutal to get a call the day of retrieval from my brother announcing that number two is due in August.

    I’ll go to the shower, but it’s for political reasons only. All the pregnant bellies at my neice’s birthday in December nearly killed me.

  12. Dear Serenity, ouch. I hate those situations. What I would do is go along with it, and if things aren’t looking up for you, just bow out at a late date because of illness. There is really no point in torturing yourself. Then just send a gift with warmest regrets.

    Hoping really, really hard that things are looking up for you by then.

  13. What everyone said. Don’t go. Either be honest with your sis in law, or come down with food poisoning. But look out for yourself first.

  14. I still don’t think you HAVE to go. Send a nice gift and let that be the end of it.

  15. I am so sorry. My SIL got pg and had a baby all the while we have been suffering through. And to add insult to injury she is not even married…it was an accident. I have banned all showers and my heart aches for you. I would “get sick” the day before the shower and bail out. It sounds bad, but it is the only way to cope with these types of things. Best of luck to you that you will be “sick” with morning sickness!!

  16. IF you aren’t PG, and IF you still feel obligated to go – my assvice is that you volunteer to be responsible for all the food. I have found this to be a great technique at parties when you really aren’t interested in participating in the party – you can hide in the kitchen the entire time, and pretend to be very busy fussing over the food such that you simply can’t spare a moment to join in the discussion.

    However I also think the other girls have great points about gracefully, and honestly, bowing out if you can’t do it.

    But I will hope, hope, hope that none of this will be necessary – because you will be p—– by then!!

  17. All the advice here is great. Take on a large part of the organising – that way you’ll be there, you’ll be involved and included, but you’ll be more likely to be ok because you’ll be so busy. If the in-laws “kindly” insist you don’t take on so much, explain to them quite frankly that you need to do it in order to cope.

    And the other advice people have given – the advice about saying yes now, on the assumption you’ll be fine, but calling in a sickie if you really can’t take it on the day – that’s good advice too. You can easily get someone to pick up all your food platters and run the party games you’ve organised as part of plan A.

    You’re obviously very good at acting…

    Bea

  18. I am hoping you will be in a very happy state by then. I truly hope things will turn out well for you this time now that Ute is happy. Try not to worry about the shower until you have to.

  19. You are so thoughtful and sweet, to consider your MIL and SIL’s feeling about the shower. But you may just be taking on more than you can emotionally handle, depending on what happens in the next cycle. If you feel like you can’t handle it, and you feel like you’ve got a good relationship with them both, maybe having a frank discussion of your feelings and what you can and can’t do would be the best thing. Otherwise, they may unwittingly ask you to do other things that you really don’t want to do. Such a tough situation!

  20. Uggggghhhh. I thought you were going to get away without going. I wish they could have between the lines. You can be supportive without torturing yourself!

  21. I remain utterly grateful that we don’t really do baby showers in this country. I agree with the others, there may be ways to grin and bear it, but they in the end will understand if you can’t cope – they are your family and they love you.

  22. I really hope that none of it will be an issue because the ‘more uterus’ will be what you need for this cycle to work.

    If you can’t go at the time, then don’t. You have to look out for yourself first.

  23. I understand it’s just not that easy to bail on a family shower, especially when they’ve changed the date specifically so you can attend. I hope it’s a non-issue (though I know it’ll probably still be difficult to attend, no matter what) and that IVF #2 works its magic. 🙂

    D

  24. I’m also hoping that “More Ute” will do the trick, and you will be p——-. But I understand the need to protect yourself just in case.

    You don’t have to go, just like the others say. I think the “keep busy concentrating on food” or the “last minute can’t come” are both good options. I hope it doesn’t come to that!

  25. Oh my goodness, I cringed for you there hun. To almost be out of it, free to NOT go, and then have them change the date so you CAN make it. See how you feel on the day, if you’re not up to it, don’t go. YOU are number 1 after all. But I hope the IVF works and you DON’T need to worry about it.

  26. I am sorry that you got backed into a corner on this one. It would have been so nice to be out of the country for it. I agree with self preservation. If you do have to go, make sure to have a pint of ben&jerry’s and some nice cold vodka when you get home.

  27. Get sick at the last minute. Seriously, it’s normal enough and would they dare to call you on it?

  28. Hi Serenity,
    DID I MENTION THAT MY SIL IS ALSO PG? no???? # 3 to be more precise! I feel for you Serenity, I so can relate. I am also in denial. I have been avoiding SIL at any cost. I know that I will not be able to escape seeing her next weekend at my BIL b-day party. I almost feel like asking, do I really have to go? MIL comes every weekend to our house and gives update, she is about 10w and just went to the first u/s and already have the first baby pic to show off! She mentioned that they are trying to get over the fact that they DID NOT WANT another kid so for now there is not much celebration going on! Just to hear this makes me cry. I sure could celebrate a lot a pregnancy right now. I am already dreading the baby shower and the comments of how fertile she is that even on bcp she can get PG.
    I wish that we both are PG when these baby showers come! Hang in there…

  29. I am busy PLANNING my SIL’s baby shower which is happening in 3 weeks!! It’s wierd, some days I’m okay with it, and other days I want to tell her to shove it up her big pregnant you-know-what!
    My pregnant sister will be there too. Good times. Making memories.

  30. Oh and Cibele, I can totally relate. SIL is so miserable about her pregnancy – it was a MISTAKE!!!!!

  31. Here’s my top five excuses to avoid baby showers:
    1. I’m not feeling well. Migraine, gastritis, etc.
    2. I have to be in the hospital, I have an emergency case.
    3. I need to attend a convention.
    4. I have another party.
    5. We’ll be out of town.
    They should get the hint, understand and respect your decision. I know you meant well by accepting the invitation but I don’t think you should go if you’re really not up to it. Self preservation comes first.

  32. Ugh. Way for your SIL to push you out of the frying pan and into the fire. I’ll just say “ditto” to all the good ideas above and remind you that you don’t have to make a decision whether to go or not right now since the shower isn’t for a few months.


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