No pressure or anything.February 19, 2007 at 1:08 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 32 Comments
Have I mentioned recently that my sister in law is currently pregnant?
Oh yeah. It’s because I’m really trying to forget about it. Because every time I think “she’s pregnant,” I want to cry and scream and yell with the unfairness of it all. So right now, my best coping mechanism is complete and utter denial. And, so far, she seems to be ok with pretending she’s not pregnant around me either. Which works fine for me.
I figure that I can’t live in denial for the rest of her pregnancy. But I know it’ll be much easier to come to acceptance if I am, in fact, p——- as well.
At any rate, my mother in law called me this weekend and told me the date of K’s baby shower. (Foolishly, I had said that I wanted to be involved with it – mostly because I thought it would be important for family politics. I thought I could help with the decorations, games, occupy myself in the kitchen – keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t have to see her open all those tiny outfits and blankets, etc. Foolish.) Her shower was scheduled for the weekend in which J and I will be in Italy. Shucks, I guess we wouldn’t be able to make it. And I told my mother in law, who was disappointed, but who understood. I told her that to tell K I was really sorry I couldn’t be there, that I hope she didn’t think I was avoiding her because of the whole infertility thing. Etc. And I offered to make some of the decorations ahead of time so I felt like I was involved, at least a little bit.
I may have overdone it a bit.
Because my MIL called me back later that night. K is adamant I be at her shower; she “doesn’t want there to be any divide between us.” So she suggested the first couple of weekends in June so that I could be there. And I found myself telling my extremely stressed out mother in law that whatever date in June she set for the shower, I would absolutely be there.
Thing is… I don’t WANT to go to her shower. I haven’t been to a shower pretty since pretty much January 2006. Words cannot convey how much I fucking.HATE.baby showers.
About the only way I can handle it is if I’m p——- myself, and we all know that IVF might not work this time as well. In with the new hope that my new Ute is going to be the tipping point, I am also trying to subdue my cynicism in which I believe that there might be more to our implantation problems then just a septum. Mostly because, in all my research, I have never seen definitive proof that a septum is the cause of infertility. Recurrent miscarriage, yes. Infertility, no. It just seems too EASY of a reason.
All I can think? This “now with more uterus!” thing better work.
Because if it doesn’t, I don’t know how I’m going to manage to get through the shower.
And the birth.