Like looking at the stars.

January 15, 2008 at 3:16 am | Posted in Pregnancy | 8 Comments

Tonight, when I got back to my hotel room, I realized that it had been a while since I had last felt Squishy move.

So I rubbed the hard curl up near my rib firmly for a few seconds… and more to myself than anyone else, asked out loud, “Are you alive in there?”

The answer? A sharp kick to my cervix reassured me that Squishy is, indeed, alive in there.

Sarah at For the Flavor had a wonderful post today about how in love she is with her daughter. About how, after so much stoicism through IF and her pregnancy, she never really allowed herself to fall in love with her. Certainly not when she was pregnant… and even through those first days of being a new mom. Until now.

It’s a beautiful post – she writes so much more eloquently than I can summarize – and really you should check it out.

It also really made me think. Over the past couple of weeks especially, as I feel more and more of the kicks and squirms and position changes, and as I get to know Squishy’s womb rhythms, I feel brief flashes of an absolute, utter, deep love. But as soon as I try and reach out to grab that feeling, to experience it fully, it disappears. Like when you look directly at a very dim star.

And I can’t manage to capture the emotion well enough to describe it in words. Which is really frustrating. How is it that I can write ad nauseum about the loneliness, the ache of being infertile, yet something as simple as pure happiness, joy, and love evades me?

But I can tell you… these brief bursts of love seem to be coming more frequently lately. Like when I wake up at 4am and pad into the bathroom, feeling the curl of my baby wrapped around my rib. Or when there’s a particularly hard kick in response to a firm rub of my belly.

In those moments, the depth and breadth of my love for someone I haven’t even met almost overwhelms me. And it’s all I can do to sit back and wonder that I get to experience this sort of joy at all.

We have gone through so much to get here. And though the realistic Serenity can’t help but focus on all the work and, well, decisions that go into parenting, and the pessimistic Serenity can’t stop talking about all the things which could possibly go wrong between now and April 7…

… there’s a little part of me who is deeply.

Absolutely.

Utterly in love.

With this little creature who is growing inside me.

Our son or daughter.

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8 Comments »

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  1. Well, you got the prize today for being the first blogger to make me cry, so you must have written something right.

    I did exactly the same thing last night, by the way. “Are you alive in there?” The only thing was our foetus didn’t stop moving for quite some time after that. Must remember not to disturb him quite so close to bedtime.

    Bea

  2. I feel the same way as you mentioned your friend did. Even now at 36+ weeks, knowing he is coming, I still can’t even bring myself to 100% love and embrace him. I am too scared something or someone will take him away.

    I watch shows on births, I read stories of women due at the same time as me who have already given birth and i cry and feel the love is there.

    I want this baby more than anything, but am so scared if I give over to absolute love that something will change and I will feel even more empty than I had in the past when we tried so hard to make him.

    Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!
    ~r

  3. I am not actually afraid of something terrible happening (I have learned that being scared doesn’t particularly enrich my life, to say the least). I think my issue is that I feel like I don’t know the little person inside, so how could I love her or him already, when I don’t even know who it is…

    We have almost no ideas for names either, since we’re waiting to see who will be born.

    With Nomi we actually had a whole list, all of which we crossed out after she was born & then we had to start all over.

  4. Ah… the 4am love session!! I had one of those last night!
    It tickles me to read about your love for Squishy growing.
    I relate completely- to the realism and the pessimism… but also to the love.

  5. It is true that we shut ourselves off to the good feelings because IF surrounds us with disappointment. Once it is done for too long, it is hard to turn them back on.

    But you are making significant progress, for sure. And it is wonderful to observe…

    XOXO

  6. Simply put, the endless love for your child is just amazing. I swear some days I think I couldn’t possibly love her more, then the next day comes and it expands right before my eyes.

    D

  7. Sometimes I will just start crying at the intense feelings I feel for this little guy. I wonder sometimes how once I meet him those feelings will be even greater and I just can’t even imagine it.

    I’m with LIW-it is so wonderful to witness your progress from such fear about the pregnancy to now being utterly in love! It is amazing!

  8. Another beautiful post, Serenity. It made me cry. I wish I could experience those kicks from inside.


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