Warning. A long rambly vent will commence. Feel free to click away.

January 27, 2008 at 5:18 pm | Posted in Pregnancy, rants | 15 Comments

I know. I KNOW. You’re all right.

I DO need to slow down. I need to realize that I am human. And with that? I have to acknowledge that I can’t physically accomplish… well… much at all right now.

It’s really fucking hard.

I have spent all of my adult life trying to ACCOMPLISH things. I’m driven by crossing things off my list. That’s what motivates me. Two masters degrees later, I still feel like I have something to prove. At work. At home. I have responsibilities.

And when I can’t meet those responsibilities? I feel like a complete failure.

And so here I sit, with a list as long as my arm, of things I feel like I need to do. Because I need to CONTRIBUTE, you know. I need to pull my weight.

I haven’t been pulling my weight at home for a good month now. J never complains, in fact, he forces me to sit down while he takes care of laundry. Dishes. Cooking. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Bills. Et cetera. He single handedly runs this house while I sit on the couch with my heating pad.

And why this bothers me so badly, I don’t know. Because intellectually I KNOW that I have my limitations. And that this is temporary. And it’s all driven by the need to make sure this baby inside me is healthy and growing.

But it makes ME feel lazy. And I have this voice inside my head that keeps saying “You’re a failure. You’re freaking PREGNANT, for cripes sake. Not handicapped. You’re not even that big yet. And you’ve been bitching about back pain for more than half your pregnancy now. Shut up, suck it up, and get things done.”

So I’m struggling. I feel like shit about not being able to do as much as I feel like I should. At home. And even at work. Because yesterday, I told my manager. I said, “I need to tell you, I have some very real limitations on how late I can work. I’m getting to the point where I’m physically uncomfortable, and I’m going to do as much as I can, but I feel like you need to know that I can’t work as much as I’m afraid I’m going to need to.”

And he was understanding – he was great about it.

Me? I was embarrassed. I felt like I was admitting to him that I was a failure.

I know. It’s stupid. It seems to easy to see that I need to put my baby first. And the only way to do it is by being selfish.

But right now, it’s really hard for me to let go of all the things I can’t do.

And so I end up doing too much sometimes, and being in pain because of it. But still not feeling like I ACCOMPLISHED anything.

So I’m forcing myself into a lose-lose situation. And I feel like shit because of it.

And on top of it, I feel like I shouldn’t even fucking complain about this. I wanted it, didn’t I? After all, I’m pregnant, and if Squishy was born today, he or she would have a great chance of survival. I’m already luckier than a LOT of people out there.

So I just want to tell myself to shut the eff up already.

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15 Comments »

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  1. I am glad that you talked to your manager. When I was pg with my ds, I worked like a dog (several all nighters, etc.) at 30 weeks. I have a unicornuate ut (didn’t know it at the time) and ended up with premature labor at 31 weeks. DS is fine now but I can’t help but thinking that if I hadn’t worked so hard the prior weeks that he could have cooked a few weeks longer. This is just my story but take it easy if you can.

  2. Serenity, stop being so hard on yourself! you’re not a failure for having to slow down a little. The truth is that we women have convinced ourselves that we have to have it all and do it all… be the best on our jobs, a perfect housewife, a sexy beautiful woman , great moms.. all at the same time. The truth is sometimes we have to sacrifice one goal for a while to reach another. I am an overachiever myself and I hate not being able to do some things, but I learned to let it go after that I realize that the only one keeping score was myself. We are our own worse critics. Be gentle to yourself my dear. Of course you’re are not handicapped, but you are pregnant and that comes with some limitations and sacrificing some of our goals for a little while. You did the right thing to talk to your boss and I am glad that he understood. Take care. You’re a doing great, any person would be tired working your hours.

  3. Girl, I was so totally there about that time of my pregnancy — my dr. kept asking me when I was going to stop working and was surprised we all made it to 35 weeks. But for months prior, esp. when we moved, I felt worthless in terms of what I could accomplish. My husband also assumed all of the household tasks which was hard at first.

    But when I had to go on bed rest, I realized how little I should be doing and I finally accepted it. I would say try to ease into doing less and less, and don’t be so hard on yourself. You want to avoid any issues: premature labor, bed rest, all of that! So say your #1 job now is to keep that baby safe and sound. Tell yourself if you’re successful at that (which you will be!) you will feel a sense of pride and accomplishment like no other.

    Take it easy, and if you can’t enjoy it (the doing less part) at least know it’s so important, especially with how busy you’ll be in a little bit

    🙂

  4. You have the guilt thing going on. You are worthy even if you slow down. Your job will get done, even if you have to ask for help. Is there anyway you could hire a cleaning service to come in once in a while, even every 2 or 3 weeks? That way, the cleaning could get done and you won’t feel bad because J has to do it.

    Listen to your body – it is the best way you can take care of your baby now. If Squishy was on the outside, I doubt you would feel so bad by saying “I can’t do this now, my baby needs me.” Your baby needs you to slow down, and that isn’t so bad. Besides, look at it as a brief break from laundry before you have to tackle the mountains a small baby creates.

  5. Last year I’d just finished up a major project that had me working 12 hour days 7 days a week, and within about a week of it finishing, they handed me another that I knew was going to be worse. And I went home, and had what I’d akin to a mental breakdown. I could do it once while we were TTC, but not twice, not this time, it was too much. So I went in and said I had to be taken off the project, I needed less work, and I felt like such a HUGE GIGANTIC failure, cuz like you, I’m driven by ticking things off lists. I live for lists, and I live even more for ticking stuff off those lists. While I know I got “looked at” differently for awhile, and I know I let some people down, it was what I needed and it did me a world of good – and I wasn’t even pregnant. So do this, draw lines in the sand, take care of you and Squishy – it’s allowed. Hard for me to say cuz I’m like you and think I can do anything, I’m not that sick, I’m not that tired, but sometimes we are that sick or are that tired and just deserve a break. Take it. You deserve it.

  6. I’m so glad you’re being kind to yourself – we share a lot of similarities inasmuch as I don’t allow myself to be human and show any of my human frailty, and it usually culminates in a meltdown of some sort.

    So, slow down, be kind to yourself, be kind to Squishy; and enjoy the time you have left….

    x

  7. I felt the same way you do when I was pregnant. And so I pushed myself until the very end. Looking back, I really wish I hadn’t.

    Physically, you will feel better after you have the baby.

    I know money is important — we all have to have it. But I wish I would have taken a few weeks before I had Bo off and just cut back our spending a bit more. It would have been worth it.

    Food for thought…

  8. I agree with the poster who said that women feel they need to do it all in today’s world–rarely do you meet a man who feels compelled to work 8-12 hours then come home and fix a nutritious dinner for his wife, make sure the bathroom and kitchen are clean, do a load of laundry, and manage to look and feel sexy by bed time. My husband and I always joked that when we were both working full time we needed a wife!

    Your most important job right now, the only thing that matters, is to keep that baby cooking for a few more weeks. Stress and overtaxing yourself has been shown to cause premature labor, so do please be careful. You won’t regret temporarily reducing your hours or taking a few extra weeks off of work when it results in a healthy baby. You’ve fought long and hard to get where you’re at, don’t abandon the fight now. That baby needs you to be its advocate.

  9. I remember sitting at home feeling crappy because DH was running around doing EVERYTHING! And besides taking care of the house/laundry/groceries/etc, he was waiting on me hand and foot. And he said something that made me realize that I WAS doing something. When I said “I feel crappy cause you do EVERYTHING!” He said “You are doing something I am not capable of doing, and something that is WAY more important than laundry and groceries. Since I can’t help you carry our babies, I’m going to help out in anyway I can”.

    And he makes a lot of sense, my DH. So you should listen to him. Because I bet your DH feels the same exact way.

    What you are doing now is more important than anything you have every done. I know though, when you are laying around, its hard to remember that. So keep rereading this comment, just in case you forget.

  10. I could have written this post myself! At least much of it! I think that for me, ending up in the hospital with contractions was what I needed to make me slow down. I still have a hard time being on the sofa much of the time, and letting my husband pull the weight. I just feel so useless. But…if it keeps the baby healthy and inside as long as possible, and keeps me from landing in the hospital again, I’ll do it. Some things are much more important. My boss keeps telling me that work is just a job. But my baby is a life. And I need to stay focused on that.

    Try to take it easy. Lay down when you need to, and don’t be worried about not doing enough. You’re doing plenty right now, having that little boy or girl growing inside you.

  11. Don’t be so hard on yourself my friend!! What would you tell your best friend if she was in your situation? 🙂

  12. You are undervaluing your very real contribution. Think how much you would value it if someone else was carrying your baby for you. If your uterus had turned out to be *really* funky and you’d needed another woman to bring your child into the world (through surrogacy or adoption). How much would you have valued that act? Well, that’s how much you’re contributing now.

    Bea

  13. It’s ok to let someone do things for you! I’ve had a hard time dealing with these things as well. I felt bad that I pretty much sat on the couch all day yesterday while my husband busted his butt for the 5th day in a row to put up the beadboard wainscotting I had to have in the nursery! I had to keep telling myself that I was the one cooking the baby and it was alright if I wasn’t in the room helping. This is his contribution to the whole process!

  14. Seriously, i think you’re incredible. I’m having a hard time doing my 8-9 hour days 5 days a week and doing ANYTHING at home, except maybe on weekends. I remember awkwardly telling my boss hat I may not be able to wrok up until my due date after all and per my chiropractor (who’d been hounding me for weeks by this point) I might not be able to continue to work 40 hours a week, even if I do stick it out until delivery. Take it easy on yourself. You’re doing the best you can and everyone else will accomodate.

  15. My sentiments exactly (I’m a couple of weeks behind you and feeling the same way) but you articulate it so much better. I showed my husband your entry – so he he sees what we go through in our heads. I could not have captures the emotions any better.


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