Because I need to get this out.

February 2, 2008 at 7:20 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 34 Comments

I’m struggling here.

Because there isn’t much for me to write about beyond my worry about my friend.

The sheer panic that something’s going to happen to her, too… well, it’s overwhelming.

I dreamt of her all night. I couldn’t stop. I woke up every time, sweating, wondering what was happening out there. Hoping that she was ok.

I feel so freaking helpless. I want to be there with her right now. I want to know that she’s going to be ok.

I want to wake up and realize this is all a dream.

I want her to be pregnant.

I don’t want to be thinking about what I should get her to honor her girls.

It’s just not fucking fair. Why is it that she had to go through all of the shit to just get pregnant??? Five fucking IVFs. And then… to lose them… like this? From an INFECTION?

From measures they needed to take in order to help her REMAIN pregnant. Done by a fucking doctor who should have monitored her more closely.

Instead, she had to fucking fly to PHOENIX to get someone to take care of her. Doesn’t matter that we live in BOSTON, a very mecca of healthcare. 5 world-class hospitals in the area. None of them would help her.

The unfairness of it all just chokes me.

She told me a few days ago that she was so scared of losing her babies. That there was so much loss in the blogosphere, and she didn’t want to be next. That she just knew her body wouldn’t be able to hold out until viability. And I kept telling her that each day she kept those babies safe was a day she was closer to the goal of bringing them home.

And it’s so much worse than just losing her babies. She’s in an induced fucking COMA. She’s struggling for her own physical health here. And then… the emotional battle will just be beginning.

Will she even want to SEE me? Or will I just be a reminder of what she’s lost?

What the hell can I even do to help?

So I just sit. And I wait for updates. And I keep breathing through my tears. And I hope.

I am just so angry.

It’s not fucking fair. Why her?

Why any of us?



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  1. Serenity,

    I appreciate everything you’re doing for ME and Steve….

    I had an idea about people putting a link in their sidebar to honor the girls and show support for ME and Steve…especially since it may be a while until she can come back. I for one would love her to know that we were all still thinking of her throughout and showing support.

    I have a candle graphic up on my blog that I made with paint and a picture that I think it pretty nice. I’m PWP but I can email it to you if you’re interested in helping get the word out.

    I know it’s nothing, really, but I feel like there’s little we can do, and this is something, at least.

    My email is

  2. I just commented on your previous post—but frankly, you said it so much better here. I am angry and bitter for her and I cannot understand how this could happen. I did not know all the details, but I was astounded that she was not on hospital bedrest from the get go. I was surprised that she had to go to Phoenix just to get the correct care–and I was totally with her for doing that—she had to do WHATEVER she could for those babies. I just can’t believe it.

    If you need anything, let me know.

  3. Oh Serenity, there are just no words. I am literally sick over what ME and Steve are going through right now, I had horrible nightmares last night and kept waking up all night long. After everything they have both been through. Now this. How the FUCK will this ever make sense? I am really angry too. We are all so helpless to the situation, there is just nothing anyone can do to take away the pain of losing your child, it is simply a journey that should never be experienced … I don’t even know how this could be happening right now. I’m so scared for ME, I hope she is going to be ok, she is in my prayers. Please God, let Mary Ellen be ok. In body and spirit.

  4. Serenity,
    I could not stop thinking about her and the girls all night long . I was checking your blog every second for updates. My heart broke when I read the news, I cried for them… I can only imagine how you feel being a close friend of them. I am praying for her , for her health and also for her husband for strength. You’re right, it is unfair and you have all the right to feel angry for your friend. Just take care of yourself okay? she is going to need you once she pulls through this. I am sure that she will, she has to. Just want to say that I am here for you and will be thinking and praying for ME to get better soon. Please keep us posted if you can. And let me know if there is anything I can do help

  5. OMG, this is just the saddest thing ever. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that they are. Gawd, this is just horrible.

  6. It’s absolutely heart rending. And to know that she, too, is in a fight for herself…it terrifies me to think of what could happen to her, and makes me angry, too, over the ‘care’ she received in Boston. She shouldn’t have had to go. She shouldn’t have had to make that choice. None of this should have happened.

  7. I am so devastated for them and their loss. But as you said, at this moment, I can’t help but think mostly of ME and her recovery. It is very frightening what she is facing, and even though I’ve never met her, I want so much for her to overcome this infection quickly.

    The road of emotional recovery will be so hard and long. But right now I’m praying for her body to have strength.

    Take care of yourself too Serenity. She will need you.

  8. I went to sleep thinking of her last night, and awoke thinking of her. My heart is so heavy right now.

    I have Jess’ candle up on my blog (i’ve gone pwp since our adoption, but ME has had the invite.)

    Would love to do more to help, and to honor her girls.

  9. Serenity~I am so sad for ME and Steve and I have never even met them. I am feeling angry also…what the hell happened??? It sounds to me like this was a preventable loss which makes it even worse. It will take them quite some time to begin healing, I hope they have a rock solid circle of friends and family. Please let them know how many stranger/friends are thinking about them.

  10. These questions are revolving around constantly in my head – fucking WHY?? There are enough grieving parents in the world, why ME and Steve?

    I wish we had answers…..


  11. It is all so fucking unfair. I am angry with you.

  12. You know, up until this terrible situation I hadn’t ever followed ME’s blog. And not even knowing her I feel such anger. Anger that we go through so much to even GET pregnant. And shouldn’t that give us a free ride to a picture perfect pregnancy-free of complications? It just is so completely unfair that someone can work so hard for something only to face such a tragic situation in the end. My heart is breaking for this family and I’m left here (actually only a few miles away from her hospital in PHX) feeling hopeless. I can only pray for her…

  13. My heart is completely breaking for them. There are really no other words than that. This is something that no one deserves, and that makes it impossible to feel like you can help in any way, because THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING!

    You are a great friend. Thank you for updating us all.

  14. The unfairness of this, the overwhelming notion that nothing could possibly be done to bring comfort in such a well of loss, the anger that the universe could let something like this happen could knock a person over.

    I’m praying for ME, but I’m thinking about you too, Serenity.

  15. I can’t believe this has happened. It’s so terrible. My heart is aching for them and for you. Life is so unfair.

  16. I’m so heartbroken for ME and Steve, and I haven’t met them. I can’t imagine what they’re going through. It’s just not fair. I also can’t imagine watching your friend go through this. I’m thinking of ME, Steve and the girls, but also of you. Thanks for keeping everyone updated. You are an amazing friend, and they’re lucky to have you.

  17. I, too, am shocked and appalled by the turn of events, and the fact that ME felt compelled to leave a supposedly great medical city like Boston. I had so hoped that she would have a very long bedrest and bring home three babies in a few months. I knew enough to be worried that things wouldn’t go quite that well, but I never believed that things would go *this* wrong.

    The fact that this all happened on top of everything else ME and Steve have been through is just unimaginable to me. And that’s coming from someone who, like so many others in this community, has dealt with things that most of the known world would consider completely unfathomable. My heart is so heavy right now.

    I also wanted to say thank you for keeping us updated about everything, and send you hugs too. This is obviously hard on you as well.

  18. All day I was just so so sad about all of this. I agree completely – why, when someone is dealt a bad hand, do the hits just have to keep coming? Why isn’t there some – shut off valve of pain? It’s just too cruel.

    I’ve been thinking about this too and how this is on you. ME is your friend, and it must be so incredibly frustrating to feel so helpless. But you are being such a good friend to rally the support – the prayers…the hopes – all of it.

    I very nearly called this afternoon – if you need to vent or cry or any of that – please give me a call, k?


  19. You`re right it`s not fucking fair…
    I`ve been thinking about ME and Steve all day and crying … I am just so sad for them.
    Thank you for keeping us updated, you are a good friend.

  20. It is unfair. I was hoping and praying so hard that those doctor’s in Phoenix would be able to help her. It broke my heart when I read your update. This is the most unfair life can be. You are a very good friend to ME and Steve. All I keep thinking about are the three little girls–Sylvia, Lucy and Claire. I don’t understand this.

  21. There are absolutely no answers to that awful question – why? Please, God, show some mercy on this family. Haven’t they been through enough yet? Please.

    Take care of yourself. She’ll need you to do that.

    Love to you.

  22. This is truly heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine the pain they’re facing. It all seems so utterly senseless. I am keeping them in my prayers.

  23. I know. There’s so little you can do in a situation like this, and none of it’s fair. Keep trying. That counts for a lot.

    Thanks for bringing us the updates – for some reason I’ve had technical difficulties and only *some* updates through bloglines and on top of that only *some* of my comments have got through. So if you or ME have missed a comment, please know I’ve been thinking about you, and still am. I don’t know what else to say.


  24. This is all so incredibly heartbreaking. It breaks my heart when I go to their blog and see the triplet counter – each day, counting down until their due date. I cannot breathe when I think of what that will be like when ME is well enough to go to her blog and she sees that there.

    You have been such a wonderful friend and a great support for ME, I cannot imagine what you are going through as well. Try to take care of yourself.

    Thinking of you and all of the extended family and friends,

  25. Thank you for your post. Mary Ellen is lucky to have such a good friend. Joe and I are at a loss. We do not know what to do for them but continue to pray, and call so they know that we are thinking about them.

  26. You are doing all you can, and in this situation that may feel like very little, but it’s still so much and something that no matter what, I think they will appreciate having your support.

    I agree, the whole situation is completely fucking unfair. No one in the world should have to go through this.

  27. It is all very unjust. You have been the best friend you could be, and even if ME can’t face you (or anyone else) for a while, I am sure she will know that you have really been there for her and Steve.

  28. I hear you on the anger. I can only imagine how it’s compounded for you because you and ME are so close. You are such a good friend to her and regardless of anything, she knows that. And having that kind of support and friendship is a true comfort.

  29. Serenity… Thank you for keeping us informed on ME and Steve. I know this must be so hard for you as you and ME are good friends. I don’t understand why this happened and how it was able to happen.

    ME, Steve and the girls are in my prayers.. as are you, your baby and your husband…..

  30. I hadn’t read her blog before, but linked over from your post & Bea’s, and am so sad for this tragedy. How terrible for them, and for you as their friend.

  31. it’s all just devastating.
    you’re doing all you can Serenity, by being a good friend.
    take care of yourself.

  32. Serenity,

    I am so, so sorry to hear that. It’s all so incredibly unfair, and that doesn’t begin to express it I know. I’m sure she and Steve are grateful to have such a wonderful friend in you and they will both need that love and support in the days to come.

    I am keeping the two of them and their three little angels in my prayers.

  33. I echo what all the others have said. Take care of yourself. It won’t help anyone if you don’t. I know ME will appreciate what you’ve done for her, even if she can’t see you or anyone for awhile. And you can still be happy about your own pregnancy even while you’re devastated by the unfairness of hers ending the way it did.

    I can’t stop thinking about her and Steve and how, once her physical healing is done, they’ll have to start dealing with the emotions.

  34. Serenity,

    I only know of you and ME through your blogs…however, the both of you appear to be very good friends.

    I don’t think you have to be worried about ME not wanting to see you. At a time like this you need the support and love of your friends and family. You have certainly showed that you are more than willing to be there for ME and Steve. For what it’s worth, you have my admiration for that.

    As I said on ME’s blog, her story has touched me, a complete stranger, as it has others out there in blogland. I find it beyond incredible that she had to go to Pheonix to receive the care that she should have been getting in Boston. I’m so angry for her, and I can’t understand why those damn doctors did not put her on strict hospital bedrest once they realised there were problems. To do a cerclage, then have evidence of continued funneling, etc and not have her strictly monitored, is just mind boggling. The whole situation is just beyond words….

    Take care, Serenity and good on you for being such a good, caring friend to ME and Steve

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