Vignettes from the weekend.

February 11, 2008 at 12:42 pm | Posted in Pregnancy | 17 Comments

J and I assembled the crib this weekend. It’s surreal to see it sitting in the room.

Part of me is speechless with the terror that we are jinxing things.

The other part of me is thrilled beyond words that in less than two months we might actually have a little person to put to sleep in there.


I am no longer sleeping well. The not-so-little head which bulges up on the right side makes me feel like my rib is dislocated. Which directly increases the pain in my back.

If I sleep on my side like they tell me to, my back kills me.

If I sleep on my back so my muscles don’t hurt nearly as much, I’m afraid I’m cutting off the blood to my baby.

So most of the night I alternate between pain… and fear.


We had our almost-7 -month-old nephew D as a dinner guest on Saturday night while K and T went out to dinner.

We practiced sitting up and playing with toys and eating… since he’s started on some solid foods.

The sheer excitement he showed between bites kept cracking us up – he’d grin, breathe excitedly, and kick like crazy. We could barely feed him we were laughing so hard.


And the sweetest sight from later that night: my husband, dancing in a semi-dark room, rocking the sleepy baby in his arms.

It made me cry.


About the only thing I got accomplished this weekend was to get our taxes done. With our refund and J’s year end bonus, it’ll be enough for us to get rid of my beaten-down Jetta and get ourselves a new car. Maybe as soon as the end of the month.

It’ll be such a relief to drive a car where I’m not worried about it breaking down in a rainstorm.


The latest in pregnancy stuff:

1. I have added my 32 week belly shot here if you’d like to look. Yes, that’s me. In pink. Surprising, no?

2. I’ve lost feeling in a patch of skin up at the top of my belly.  Apparently this is normal and a result of the stretching of the nerves under the skin. It feels odd, so I end up rubbing it a lot. Yep, I’m turning into that pregnant woman.

3. I went out and bought a couple of nursing bras this weekend. I spent a total of $20 for a “sleeping” and regular nursing bra. I figure if the breastfeeding thing doesn’t really work out, my net investment in it is $20. That’s not horrible.

And plus I will actually have a bra to wear under my hospital gown when I’m recovering after the birth.

4. As Zen as I am about having a c-section (I think), the pain in my rib and my back this weekend made me decide to perform this maneuver in the hopes that Squishy might turn for me. It didn’t really do much, but I suppose it can’t hurt to keep trying for the next couple of weeks. I don’t want to do too much, though – I’m terrfied of doing something which might hurt my baby.

5. DBTs have returned, for whatever reason. I’m afraid sometimes to turn onto my right side for fear of crushing my baby’s head. Last night, when my cat jumped onto my belly to sleep and the baby DIDN’T react as it usually did… well, I confess I had a bit of a low grade panic attack… until I felt SOME movement. And then I could breathe again.

I think it’s the crib and the fact we’ve actually set up the baby’s room. And that my shower is coming up. And that we’re planning with my mother on when she and my father will come to visit when the baby’s born.

The fear is why I struggle with washing some of the clothing we’ve gotten already. And why I can’t open the bedding. Or call pediatricians. And why I completely freaked out by putting money down on the daycare center.

We’ve wanted this so very badly for so long.

And now that it seems so close… I can almost taste it. I want it SO badly.

And somehow…

I’m terrified it’s going to be taken away from us.



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  1. This fear is normal. Every day you hear about something that goes wrong, and think you might be one of those statistics. But you hear about it because it is so rare. Nothing is guaranteed, so you might as well try to relax and enjoy this time as much as possible. You can talk to your baby and connect with your baby right now–even tell Squishy what you’re thinking and feeling and fearing. It will probably feel good to get it out, and actually hearing it may make it less (that’s what usually happens to me when I vocalize it instead of just internalizing negativity).

    Oh, and one thing that link about doing the breech tilt left out is to try to do it while the baby is normally active, and it probably will be a tad better if your stomach is empty. And relax.


  2. I am sorry that the IF terror is still with you. It’s cruel, really, that IF follows us wherever we go. I think you are managing it as well as you can at this point. Not sure if this helps, but I believe that I have read that, at this point, you have a 99% chance of having a healthy baby. That’s really awesome, no?

    I cried when I read the but about J and your nephew. That’s beautiful – and a great indication that he wants this baby as much as you do.

    The sleep issue is troubling. Without sleep, it is so hard to function and keep your spirits up. I hope some of the bloggers give you a few good ideas…..


  3. I would guess the fear is normal. It doesn’t mean it will come true though.

  4. Serenity,
    I’m a l & D nurse with a couple of suggestions. Talk to your doc about something for sleep. Even if he okays something like benadrl, etc, something mild to help with an occasional good nights sleep. Also invest in some good pillows and kick your hubby out for one night if you need to sleep in the middle! He will understand. Practice those exercises for turning the baby and look into an external cephalic version. They can work in the hands of an experienced doc.
    If it keeps to keep for being overwhelmed by stuff to do, most of it can really be done after the baby comes homes. Just concentrate on the musts… carseat, pedi and daycare. Most of the other stuff can be done once your baby is in your arms and the fear is no longer overpowering.

  5. I am sorry you are having such anxiety. Melissa is right–don’t stress out too much on the stuff that can wait–heck, even the clothes–you only need a few outfits at first.

    I think a lot of this anxiety is normal, but is especially heightened by your experience with IF and with your recent work stress. (Not that that helps much, but the point I was trying to make–its normal–and you are not jinxing things!)

  6. Ah Serenity I remember that fear. Boo came 3 weeks early and we didn’t have one single outfit washed. My dryer broke and my Aunt came to visit while I was in the hospital and washed the baby clothes and hung them on a drying rack outdoors (good thing it was spring).

    It will not jinx thing if you are prepared and it may help to relax you, otherwise I expect as it gets closer (and you are even more uncomfortable and less rested) you will find so much to do quite overwhelming.

    I am excited for you!

  7. I don’t know what to say cuz I’m not where you are but you’re so close to having it all – hang in there. It’s gonna be your turn this time:-)

  8. Looks like you’ve gotten some good practical advice from others – all I can add is that I’m thinking of you and feel very positive!

  9. I can totally relate to the combination of fear and elation. For me, the fear was lowest during the second tri and is now increasing as I get closer to the end. I freaked out and went for an unplanned NST one day last week because the baby wasn’t moving nearly as much as usual. Thankfully, my doctor was great about it and said I did the right thing to call, and the baby has been back to her usual super-active self since then.

    Would you mind sharing where you got such a good deal on nursing bras? I, like you, am of the full-figured variety, and I’m afraid I’ll end up spending $40 a bra for something supportive.

  10. I can’t believe it’s getting to be so close! It must be such a strange feeling to have the crib set up and the room basically ready to go. You have waited SO LONG for this.

  11. First off, you look fantastic!!! Just amazing!!!

    Second, can you please post pics of the nursery? I’d love to see the crib set up.

    Third, the picture you describe of watching DH walking the baby to sleep is just beautiful.

    I hope the next 8 weeks go very easily and that you are able to let go of some of the fear. 🙂

  12. I totally understand the fear. It’s why our nursery looked like a crack den (bare floors and walls, everything in cardboard boxes and plastic bags) until well after baby was born.

    For the back/side pain, try sleeping mostly on your back but with a pillow propping up your hip. This was OKed by my OB (and the slight tilt like that is actually the position I was placed in for my C-section) and was the only way I could comfortably sleep at the end–like you, I had baby wedged up under my right ribs (right unicornuate uterus) and was uncomfortable sleeping on my side but was afraid to sleep flat on my back.

  13. You can also sleep on your back so long as you are a little upright – put 3 pillows under your head and shoulders and you’ll be fine. Plus it’s the oxygen to YOU you’re cutting off, not the oxygen to your baby, so you will be woken by your nervous system before any harm is done. I agree with you, it was impossible to be comfortable on your side for a whole night, no matter how many times you turned over.

  14. Ah yes. The losing feeling. Isn’t that BIZARRE?? And I’m happy to see your belly pic looked about the same size as mine…people were always, “ARE YOU SURE it’s only one?” and I was like, “good grief, I hope so!” Do you get asked that?

    You look great, though!

    I feel you on the fear. I washed stuff and put it all up because I knew I wouldn’t bear to return it all anyway. But every time I bought something I’d say things like, “are you sure this baby is going to live?” It was sadistic, but it was how I felt.

    Chances are things will be ok. I tried hard to understand that after all that time…that CHANCES WERE it would be alright.

  15. You are looking great!! So exciting you have the baby’s room set up. Scary… yes, that too.

  16. You’re still filling out in the tum! What a difference a couple of weeks makes. I find it’s not til the photo that I can really tell the difference (with me). (Which reminds me…)

    Having a room set up! That’s exciting. Any pics there?

    As for the fear… nothing really for it except try to keep it in perspective and ignore it, I guess. It’s that or be completely unprepared for Squishy’s arrival. Good luck keeping it at bay.


  17. I’ve been having the same fear – I can’t bring myself to wash ANY clothes… I’ve managed to force 2 recieving blankets, 2 crib sheets and 1 “Ultimate Crib Sheet” past my fears. That’s it though, and our baby is due in 3 wks or less.

    I started to write a long comment here, and then I realized I had a post to write to get it all out.

    So, it is sufficed to say I totally understand. It is OK to wait to wash the clothes. And, if baby gets here and things aren’t washed, hopefully someone you know and love will be there to do that for you.

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