A different kind of love.

February 14, 2008 at 1:11 pm | Posted in Pregnancy | 27 Comments

Man. It hit me yesterday just how little time I have left in this pregnancy.

Three weeks until I’m at 36 weeks.

Five until I go on my maternity leave.

Seven until I actually hit 40 weeks.

Seven weeks until we’re parents.

Which will make…

one hundred and seventy weeks since we started TTC.

Wow.

I have to tell you. The pregnancy thing? I know of people who love being pregnant. Who, once past the yuck of the first trimester, felt like they were “in bloom.” (Actually, my SIL is one. She talks about being pregnant wistfully, as if it were the best time of her life.)

I, however… am NOT one of those people.

I miss my body. I miss running, and working out hard, and having a beer with J whenever I want. I miss my cute pointy toed work shoes. I miss sleeping on my belly, and curling up, skin on skin, with J. I miss my sex drive. And I hate that I am out of breath after I climb a flight of stairs. I don’t like the fact that if I don’t drink a full 5 liters of water a day, my ankles, feet, and fingers swell. I don’t enjoy taking medication to manage heartburn and constipation. And the back pain… well… there’s really not much about it that is good at all. And I miss my waistline.

But. Then I feel my baby – our baby – move inside me. And I can tell when Squishy is rolling over inside me. Or when s/he has the hiccups. Or when s/he’s in a kicky mood and wants to play.

And now, when I play what I’ve deemed as “Squishy’s song” in my car, my baby actually responds to it. Like s/he is dancing with me.

I love that my baby is always with me, cradled inside my body. That s/he recognizes my voice, and when I rub my belly and talk to him or her, I get a kick in response. I love that we can actually interact now.

And when I allow myself to daydream about what our baby might look like… or when the image of our baby, sleeping in the crib we set up in the nursery, pops into my head… or I watch J rocking our nephew to sleep and imagine that it’s our baby…

The ache I remember so well from our one hundred and seventy weeks of TTC rises up inside me again.

You know? I used to think that ache came from emptiness. From the frustration. From pain. From hopelessness that we weren’t yet parents… while the people around us were.

But this morning? It hit me.

That ache is LOVE.

I ache with love for this baby inside me.

And not only that, but I’ve loved this little being for YEARS.

Before he or she was ever conceived.

And in a little over seven weeks…  he or she will be in our arms.

And I have a feeling…

 … that I can’t even fathom the depth of the love I’ll feel then.

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27 Comments »

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  1. Ok, I’m crying now because you put into words exactly what I feel too!

  2. Beautifully put.

  3. I have tears in my eyes……you are so right! That ache is love. And when I imagine how much I will love this little one if he/she becomes a real live baby, my heart aches, too.

    I can’t believe you only have 7 weeks left. That is SO exciting. I can’t wait to meet Squishy, too.

    XOXOXO

  4. That was incredibly beautiful. That’s exactly how I feel.

  5. I love this post.

  6. I have tears in my eyes too – damn pregnancy love hormones.

  7. So pretty! And thank you for your kind words.

  8. Aw, that’s so true. I never thought of it that way.

    Because after all, what could keep you going so long at something that sometimes seems SO FRUITLESS other than love?

  9. I love your posts! And I certainly can’t believe we’re (we, like I’m included in this…lol) so close to finding out whether Squishy is a he or a she…I do have a guess though…

    Anyway…I’m a c-section survivor two times…and it was/is really fine. Annoying in some ways, maybe… longer recovery…perhaps, but really, who cares. There’s a friggin baby in there so the pain just left me!

    Happy to chat if you’d like someone who has “been there”.

    Stay well!

  10. ((blinking back tears))

  11. hey- a question-will you post pictures? puh-leeeeasssseee. i am a bit weary about posting names….but pictures would be great. ; )

  12. I also did not like many of the things about being pregnant — amazingly you forget a lot of that once they are out and you will actually want to go through all of it again (even the IVF).

    And the love feeling — it just increases. Each day I feel it more and more. I really feel like my heart will break into little bitty bits and I won’t be able to go on if something happened to him. Today, I was at work and I was just overcome with the feeling you describe. I just wanted to hold him and smell his little baby smell. Maybe one day it will all feel real… for both of us.

  13. This is one of my favorite posts. I can relate exactly! I’m 7 weeks away! You’re in my head! And in my heart.

  14. Serenity, you write so beautifully.

    I’m so excited for you.

  15. you said it all!!!

  16. You are so right. Just wait. It’s a moment that is just undescribable. I can’t wait for you (and us!) to meet squishy!

  17. What a sweet and lovely post.

  18. The ache of love. How true, how true. What a touching post. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for putting words to this indescribeable feeling…

  19. Oh you are going to love it!

  20. That is absolutely gorgeous, Serenity. I feel like this needs to be printed out and tucked under the crib mattress or something. Let the baby sleep close to these beautiful words.

  21. please go back and read that post in 13 weeks when he/she won’t go to sleep…you’ll be so glad you have that…thanks for reminding me…

  22. So, so right. I get all teary with that ache welling up inside me. I love this little creature so very much already it’s almost unfathomable.

  23. Oh Serenity. I am so happy for you. I have been TTC for (believe it or not) over 250 weeks.

    I want this too. I want it so bad!

  24. Yep, that’s what the ache is.

    And you’re so close to there!

    Bea

  25. What a lovely post! Yes, the love you feel now is nothing compared to the love you feel when you hold your baby. And the most incredible for me was that that love grows deeper every day.

    With regard to the pregnancy – the thing that you will miss the most is probably that feeling of baby movements. Cherish it!

  26. This was a great post! Thank you for sharing.

  27. Beautiful.
    What gets added is this wonder, surprise, amazement. This, this being lives here? This being is ours? With this cutest nose, and tiniest fingers? And then later, the wonder of love reflected, returned, amplified. In body language first, and then in words, and later– in handmade art. And hugs. Can’t forget the hugs. Amazement at the growing person, the emerging personality, the clever and cute things, and always, always–
    “how did we get so lucky?”


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