The solution?

February 20, 2008 at 12:42 pm | Posted in Pregnancy | 8 Comments

Leave work early. Very early. (Say, like 5:30pm.)

Meet J for pad thai.

Then ice cream.

Then… meet up with friends to see the Banff Mountain Film Festival.

Where none of the films have ANYTHING to do with work.

Go to bed much later than you usually do – say, 11:45pm?

I didn’t even get up to pee last night.

So it was a much better night of sleep. Not long enough, but I’ll take it.

___________________________________________

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions yesterday for the myriad physical complaints I have about pregnancy. Really, I know I shouldn’t complain. I’ve had it pretty good, considering. Often after I complain about something to J, I’ll follow it up with “I know, I know!!! I have it good, considering how bad it COULD be!”

It’s just… after having worked so long and hard to even GET pregnant? This whole experience has been nothing like I expected.

Physically? I HATE it. I really really REALLY miss my body. I take more pills now than I ever did before I was pregnant. Zan.tac to manage the heartburn, which lately flares up badly enough that I need my t.ums as well. Col.ace so that I have some hope of pooing every maybe 3 or 4 days.

Despite the humidifier and the pol.ysporin cream I apply to the inside of my nose, I wake up with a stuffy bloody nose in the mornings. Yum.

I’ve lost feeling in a patch of skin at the top of my belly; which every once in a while twinges just enough to remind me that it’s there. And since early November I’ve felt pretty bad pain in my right ribcage – I’m fairly certain the baby has dislocated one of my ribs somehow.

I’m out of breath a LOT – gave up walking and talking on my mobile sometime back in October when my sister commented that I sounded like a prank caller with my heavy breathing.

I can’t walk a normal pace anymore or my cervix and Ute tighten and gives me contractions.

Worse, I still am having a hard time accepting that we’re going to get a baby from this all. Doesn’t matter that I can actually FEEL the baby’s mass – from the outside. Or at night, when I’m laying in bed, if I keep a hand on my pelvis, sometimes I can actually feel Squishy’s FEET when s/he is kicking me.

See… I feel the movement – by far the best part of this whole pregnancy thing – and intellectually grasp the fact that it’s a baby moving in there.

But I can’t actually PICTURE bringing home a baby of our own.

It’s not for lack of trying… really. I deliberately call the TRWWBTN The Baby’s Room nowadays. In fact, I go in there almost every day and gaze down at the crib. Or open the drawers of the dresser and look at the neatly folded baby clothes. Or sit in the borrowed glider. And I try to think about what things are going to be like in 6 weeks or so.

Every once in a while, maybe, I’ll see an image of a baby sleeping in the crib. Or sleeping in my arms. And I’ll feel such love for this little being inside me.

But those moments are so fleeting. A few seconds, and then it’s gone.

Mostly what I feel these days is just… well… exhaustion. I know, there’s a lot of work -related tired in there. And the lack of sleep doesn’t help, I’m sure. But man. I’ve been trying to IMAGINE what it’s going to be like to have a baby of my own for YEARS now.

It’s so close… just a little more than 6 weeks away.

I suppose I just want it to be tomorrow. I want to KNOW without any reservations that I am going to hold our son or daughter.

I guess I just want to BE a mom, instead of trying to imagine what it’s going to be like.

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8 Comments »

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  1. This is the point where I got really antsy too. You are *so close* that you can smell it, yet the big event is still weeks away.

    I’m glad you got some sleep last night. I still love going into K’s dresser to get her clothes and seeing all those little shirts, pants, and socks 🙂

  2. I always feel so guilty complaining lately 1). because of how badly I wanted this and 2). because I’ve really had it easy as far as pregnancy goes. It just gets to a point where the misery of the discomfort takes over that glow and excitement. I had the WORSE night sleep last night that I’ve had yet and I’m hoping at this appointment today that they will tell me I’ve made some sort of progress. I’m due in 2 weeks 2 days and I feel like this could be the longest 2-3 weeks of my life not just because I can’t wait to be a mom, but because I’m miserable! I hope your next 6 weeks goes by quickly so this whole thing becomes a reality for you!

  3. I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry it’s sucking so much, but thx for being honest about it sucking. I worry sometimes that I’ll finally get there and then hate it, so to see others hate it, well, that’s kinda a relief in a f*d up way. Cuz I’m like you, I like running, I like my body (minus the little extra I put on last year that I’m now running off), and having to be uncomfortable all the time – frack!

    Hang in there. You’re almost there.

  4. OMG – I know exactly what you mean. I haven’t had the trials of trying to have a baby that you have, but there have been days recently that I have felt that this was some big cosmic joke – and really, I’ll wake up and I will have gone through this for nothing. I’m due in 5 days. I’ve requested (borderline demanded) an induction date for the day after my due date if she doesn’t come on her own. And I just don’t like being pregnant overall. The aches and pains and awkwardness of it all. I never expected this. I expected to LOVE being pregnant, even the weight gain and swollen feet. (Okay, maybe not the swollen feet, but at least I expected that part).

    All that to say – you are completely normal. This is the usual point in pregnancy that even women who got here easily are asking themselves “what was I thinking?!”

  5. You had years to build up a defense mechanism in order to survive the agony that is IF. And I have the ultimate respect for that mechanism because it got you through so much anguish and heartache. So, it is going to take you a while to deconstruct that armor. Seeing the baby will help. But don’t push yourself to get there. You will and it will all be ok.

    Honestly, I am waiting to feel what pregnant women do who love the entire pregnancy experience. I know that I have lots of time for it to happen. But, other than feeling the baby move and knowing that’s my little one in there, I can’t imagine ever really enjoying the experience, you know? There’s a reason why lots of women find it difficult and even painful. It doesn’t mean it is not worth it – and no IFer would think that it isn’t for even a moment – but it’s not easy. You are doing a great job with what you are dealing with!!

    XOXOXO

  6. I feel you. Before Ethan was born it was just like…get it over with already because then at least we’ll KNOW. If something is wrong, we’ll KNOW. And if everything is ok, it’ll be ok and we’ll KNOW.

    I wanted so bad to be able to enjoy the pregnancy but it was just too terrifying. Everyone says you’ll worry just as much when they baby’s born but for me that wasn’t true. I can SEE if they’re ok when they’re outside of me and they’re not depending on me totally….that’s so much better imo. I can TELL if my kid is sick if I can see him, after all!!

    You’ll get there. Really. I’d tell you to enjoy it, but for me, that was sort of a myth and it was maddening when people said that…but if you CAN, do….because of course, I wish I had been able to.

  7. Gosh, as I was reading your blog, it was like I was reading a list of my own symptoms. The only consolation I have is that – rationally – I know that this is temporary and WILL GO AWAY. Eventually.

    As for bonding, even before the baby is born, I highly recommend 3D ultrasounds (I have some pics on my blog) – you may be a bit too far along tho, but it may be worth asking. It brought me a huge sense of reality.

    Hang in there. Bella

  8. I can’t believe you’re almost 34 weeks!! That’s fantastic!

    I just had to say that being pregnant is definitely NOT for the faint of heart. 🙂 I actually did LOVE being pregnant but there were a lot of parts of it that I HATED. I was very lucky that I had almost no swelling until the very end of my pregnancy. Other than that I had pretty much everything else. The morning sickness that lasted all day, heartburn that felt like constant acid in my throat, hip pain that absolutely would NOT quit when I laid down at night, etc, etc. And like you, every time i complained I always said something along “I know it could be worse though and it’s all worth it” but man was it hard.

    I wish I could offer good advice but since I can’t I will say that it will go away. I can remember crunching about 25 tums while in labor and then from immediately following labor on I didn’t have heartburn for like 4 months and it was AWESOME. 🙂

    Oh, I will say this about the heartburn and you can definitely do with it what you will. I ate tums like candy while pregnant with Aiden. Of course with this surprise pregnancy I got different advice from my midwife. She stated that tums and rolaids can cause a rebound effect where your heartburn can come back worse than had you not taken anything at all. Instead she now recommends Maalox or Mylanta first to ease the symptoms and avoid the rebound effect. Of course I have no idea whether or not those would be okay with Zantac but you can do what you will with my two cents.

    Good luck!


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