My own aftermath.

March 10, 2008 at 11:35 am | Posted in Pregnancy | 23 Comments

I’m not even sure how to extricate the emotions I went through this weekend. To untangle them enough in order to adequately communicate them seems hopelessly impossible. And probably I shouldn’t even blog about them. But I need to get rid of this, need to get this out – because it’s how I feel.

Friday morning, in the wake of hearing Nat and Den’s news… well, I spent HOURS in grief and fear. I cried so much my eyes burned.

Because, you see. She was my due date sister. Our babies were supposed to be born together

And I just couldn’t imagine her reality… of coming home from the hospital and being faced with an empty nursery. With all that STUFF in it. All I could see were the baby clothes I had laundered a few weeks ago. And our crib, which is set up and waiting for our son or daughter in the Yellow Room Which Is Now the Nursery. The rocking chair. The changing table, complete with the boxes of tiny diapers.  

And all of a sudden, those DBTs which have been crowd my heart and mind and lungs at night, making it so I can’t breathe through the panic that something will happen to my baby?

There they were. Right in front of me. In the daylight. Real and ugly.

And this weekend… despite doing more baby laundry… and installing the carseat… and assembling the pack and play… and continuing to organize our baby’s room…

… I spent most of the time inside myself. Scared. Quiet.

Waiting for my baby to move.

I found myself cataloguing every movement Squishy made. (S/he had the hiccups 5 times yesterday.) And I exhaled every time I felt distinct movement, no matter how little.

And as I walk into the baby’s room, and I smell the fresh baby  (non) detergent, and I look at the room, just waiting until we bring our baby home… it’s all I can do not to cry.

Because I love this little being inside me fiercely. And I would do anything to make sure that s/he gets here safe and sound. 

And I’m terrified that something is going to happen to him or her before I get to hold them. Because it’s happened – to two people I know – within the past two fucking months.

I KNOW that the likelihood of anything happening is slim. Remote, even. And in a way, I feel like these feelings are disrespectful of Nat and Den’s grief, too – because well, it’s not about ME. It’s about them, and supporting them, and being there for them.

But it is what it is.

All I want to do for the next three weeks is curl around the baby that’s inside of me. And WILL Squishy into my arms.

But of course, I can’t do that. All I can do is just… wait. And hope. And pray.

Please… please, universe.

Let my baby arrive safely.

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23 Comments »

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  1. Of course it’s more about them and their grief, but the thing about tragedies like this is that it affects so many other people, as well. They’re at the epicenter of the earthquake, but it causes destruction in outlying areas, as well. It’s to a different degree and with a different result, but it’s still there.

    D

  2. Yes, please, universe. Please.

    Counting the days with you, my dear.

  3. You know that I understand and am here if you need me…..

    But Squishy WILL be in your arms, happy and healthy, very soon……

    XOXOXO

  4. Dear Serenity. When I read on Friday on your blog what happened with Nat, my heart broke in million pieces.. I don’t even know her but this reality hit me like a mad truck and I could not stop crying for them… and the fear has been consuming every since. It was a hard weekend, i kept saying to myself : it is not about me, iit is about them. I am glad that you wrote this post. My husband thinks that i should stop reading blogs for the good of our baby, because news like that really puts me down and send me to a new level of fear. Last night I prayed for our babies ( you, I , Amy, Dellen, Caro, .. that are so close to deliver …may they be here safe and soon!
    Hugs

  5. You summed up some of my feelings this weekend too. I do not know Natalie or Dennis (only from the occasional blogroll). But despite myself I was more aware of Willow’s movements, etc. It’s just such a shock and tragedy.

    Counting the days until Squishy can calms those fears for you.

  6. So well said! I don’t think I’ve cried so much in ages. My little guy may be here, but it still hits so close to home. I hope the next few weeks go by fast for you, and that Squishy calms your fears by moving lots until he/she arrives.

  7. All of these feelings are very understandable. I told you how my friend went into the tank for about two weeks after A died. Babies that were supposed to be your child’s peers are very hard to lose. That you are able to separate your feelings about yourself and Squishy from those about Natalie and her family says to me that you will be able to be there for them and support them in the way that is about them.

  8. i would worry too. move squishy move!

  9. Oh K – I think if you didn’t have these feelings something would be wrong with you. The hideous, horrible reality of prenatal death is terrifying, and these two instances struck so close to home. And don’t you feel outraged that these women who went through so much already for their babies are made to suffer even more? It is as though they should be insulated from this type of tragedy. I’ve said that if I ever do get pregnant I’m going to have a doppler permanently affixed to my belly. When my friend N lost her daughter at 37 weeks a few years ago, this was the only thought I could have that made me feel like maybe it wouldn’t happen to me.

    You’re so, so close to having that baby in your arms. And that day, you will exhale.

  10. btw the only way this wouldn’t effect you was if you were in a coma seriously. you’re human. and a momma who’s in love with her baby.

    i hope this is ok to say? i think so. i can be a fearful person (and what pregnant IF survivor isn’t when they somehow manage to get pregnant??) but what i try to talk myself down from the ledge with are stats. (also how i get on planes-they really are safer than cars.)

    so, my assvice is:
    the tragedy that befell Natalie and Den was extermely, extremely rare. so rare, in fact, that your even knowing someone that that happened to is almost a gurantee that that won’t happen to you and J. KWIM?

    you are going to have a healthy little one in your arms very very soon. you are. you are. you are.

  11. Serenity, your post is as if you read my mind.
    I spent Firday crying myself raw… I can’t even begin to imagine Natalie and Denis’s grief.
    My sadness for them turned to extreme fear for me and the baby. I keep willing him to move, to assure me that he is alright in there. (and irrationally thinking to call my doctor to just take him out so that he’s here and I know that he’s ok- crazy, I KNOW!)
    And although it isn’t about you or me, and it IS about Natalie and her family… amidst my thoughts of “how can this happen to them, how?!”, are thoughts of “it so could easily have been me.”
    It’s tough. I wish you peace over the coming days. Squishy WILL be here soon for you to hold.

  12. I felt the same way after reading about their tragedy, except that my baby is 3 months old. Just even the thought that if what happened to them had happened to us makes me cry. I thank God everyday that my baby arrived here safe and pray for her continued health everyday. They appear to be strong people and I will be hoping for their healing.

  13. I am the mother of stillborn baby (35 weeks for unknown reasons). I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh or scary, but it is worth it if even one baby’s life is saved. Stillbirth is not rare. 1 in 100 (or even 150) is not rare. The chances are outstanding that your baby will be fine, but you are doing the right thing to track his/her movements. I am sorry that you have to live with this fear, but I am glad that you understand that it is important to take even a small risk seriously. Are you scheduled for a BPP or NST? If not, it might be a good idea to ask your OB. It might make you feel better to be watched more closely for the last couple of weeks. I think that it is far more unusual for stillbirth to occur in a pregnancy that is being treated as high risk.

  14. Not long now, and you’ll have your baby. Not long. I’m sorry all this is happening…for those that have lost their babies especially, but also for you because it makes it hard to fel safe….and it makes it hard to feel 100% joy, too, I’m sure.

  15. I get it. It was my worst fear. I rented a baby doppler and listened to Madelyn multiple times a day to make sure she was still alive. I had to do kick counts with her and I would panic if she had a day when she didn’t move as much.
    I really, really understand. And nothing anyone can say will take the fear away.
    I think your feelings are very valid and real and I’m sorry you even have to have them.

  16. I have no good words; just know I’m sending so many good thoughts to Squishy and peace of heart to you.

  17. I had the SAME reaction! Still do. Then I felt guilty for making it about me when it isnt. It just hit so close to home. Really close! We were due 1 day apart. UGH! My heart is so heavy since learning about their news! xoxo

  18. I know. Shakes you a little, doesn’t it? Of course it’s not the same as going through it yourself, but just to have that fear stoked isn’t nice. Really, nothing’s changed, except you’ve been reminded of the bad outcomes.

    Keep kicking, Squishy. I believe Squishy can make it home.

    Bea

  19. I think given the number of people who have babies, stillbirth is fairly rare although unfortunately, yes I too have heard of it happening a couple of times in my life (friend of a friend type of thing). If you compare to the number of live births, it can’t be that common, right? Who knows. What I do know is I lived in fear this would happen to me too and I told my Dr. openly about my fears. She said the best thing I could do was to pay attention to movements and call at the very first sign of no activity in there. She said I’d never be ridiculed for being cautious. Just keep in touch with that babe and let the countdown begin!!! Thinking of you!

  20. Serenity, I SO hear you on this one. My due date is April 4, so just a day off and I felt the exact same conflict. I hated feeling like I was making it about me, but it still brought up all of these horrible feelings. My heart just absolutely positively breaks for them.

  21. My prayers for you and Squishy are the same: everyone home, everyone okay.

  22. So, totally, know what you mean.

  23. I feel you sister! Just rest, relax and cherish every movement! Take care
    ~r


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