Monday. 37 weeks. Lots of stuff happening.

March 17, 2008 at 11:47 am | Posted in Pregnancy | 20 Comments

We had quite an eventful weekend.

Friday night J and I ‘celebrated’ my last day of work (which technically is today, actually) by going to a nice steakhouse for dinner, where we lingered over fresh lump crab, filet mignon, sauteed mushrooms,  and creme brulee – a last hurrah for being able to go out to dinner downtown for a while. Fantastic meal – and even better – everything was prepared simply enough that I did NOT have any issues with heartburn. Which, trust me, is a rarity. I wanted to kiss the waiter when we were done.

And as we’ve been doing for the past few weekends, we hit the ground running on Saturday and ran a ton of errands and finally finished the nursery (there’s a link on my sidebar, above my belly pic link, if you’d like to click over to see pictures). Sunday was more of the same- I started some of the thank you notes for my shower which I had been putting off while J reinstalled the carseat, since our first pass didn’t go as well. We both packed our hospital bags, just in case.

So by yesterday afternoon, I felt a lot more relaxed, as if, well, we were as ready as we were going to be for this baby to arrive. I even thought to myself “Ok Squishy – it’s up to you now – whenever you want to make your appearance, we’re ready.” Crossing things off my list seemed to make me feel a little more in control.

At least for a little while, anyway.

(Warning – next part is TMI. Click away now if you’re having a squeamish morning.)

When I went to get dressed on Sunday morning, I noticed that, on Saturday night, I actually had leaked into my bra. Which was new. I was pretty excited, actually – ran downstairs to show J (poor guy). It’s a good sign, really – at the very least, I know I can give our baby colostrum at first. And then… For shits and giggles, in the shower yesterday, I honked one of my boobs… and a drop of yellow milky fluid came out.

I know, I’m in 5th grade. But I was like “EWWWWWWWWWWWW!” Sort of freaked me out.

And then, before bed last night… I went to the bathroom and noticed.

I’m losing my mucus plug.

You think I would have be tickled. And overjoyed. And excited.

But for whatever reason… last night I was just completely overwhelmed. 

And in bed last night, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. And poor J just snuggled with me, and rubbed my belly, and listened to me bawl.

I am so.fucking.scared.

There’s so much that needs to go right before we can actually hold our baby… and still so much that can go wrong. And I have absolutely NO control over this part – over my body.

Over what happens with this baby.

I love this little being so much, it aches.

And after YEARS of trying to put my faith in the universe, I suppose I’m still having a rough time with right now with trusting that this is all going to work out. That in two weeks -or less- we’ll actually be holding our son or daughter.

*sigh* Good times, this infertility stuff.

Not much I can do but just hope.

That everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to. That Squishy is MEANT to be our baby.

Please, please.

Let this all work out.

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20 Comments »

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  1. Wow! You’re getting so close to meeting Squishy. I know it will be a beautiful moment, and a perfectly happy one too. Enjoy your last day of work!

  2. I SO hear you–I actually have a fear post I was about to post today, too along the same lines. The good news is, it should all work out great. But, I know that’s cold comfort when you’re feeling the raw emotion.

    Exciting that something is progressing, though! I confess to being a bit jealous…the stickies don’t seem to ever want to come out of their own accord. 🙂

    hang in there! And best of luck these last couple of days/weeks! I hope everything goes wonderfully, and can’t wait to see photos of squishy.

  3. Nice nursery pictures. I love the colors of the furniture and the room and the bedding is very adorable. And you got those diapers all ready!

    Hang in there!!

  4. oh wow Serenity, things are HAPPENING and I’m so excited for you. I was very scared the last few weeks too (well for about 3 months, but the last few weeks were OMG scary) It is overwheleming and no you have no control..they scheduled my c-section and then my water broke the next day, go Figure…but all in all, it works out..it happens and you will be holding your child at the end of this, and you’ll feel amazing…I promise you that.

    I’m glad that all the little things are taken care of and now it’s up to Squishy, I can’t wait to meet her/him. In the meantime enjoy this non work time and just be ready for the miracle that’s coming. Infertility or not, you’re going to be a mommy soon.

    Hug, Hug

  5. I think it is natural, given all that you have been through, to be scared about the next part – it is big.

    I’m wishing you the best of luck!

  6. You’re totally normal (or else maybe we’re both freaks?) because that’s how I felt, too. That any semblence of control I had had was slipping away and all we could do is hope that things went well.

    CHANCES ARE that things will go well. You just have to keep remembering that. That the odds are in your favor, and you can’t do anything about it anyway….

    But I’m not going to say don’t worry…because that’s not possible.

    Just try to hope.

    I’m excited for you. When I open your blog I always think it could be THE DAY you have news, even with a scheduled C.

  7. It’s going to be perfect; I know it. The loss of control is one of the worst aspects of IF. But, like Jess said, the odds are so far in your favor. You’re prepared and as ready as you can be. You’ve taken such good care of yourself and your baby, your nursery is ready and so nice – you’re all set!!
    I’m so excited for you guys. I hope you take some comfort in knowing how many of us are wishing and praying for you! Every time I check your blog, I hold my breath. It could be any day!

  8. The nursery looks beautiful! Absolutely perfect! The most wonderful place to bring Squishy home to.

    I seems like things are really happening… and trust me, girl, I understand your fears 100%. (I spent Saturday night bawling. I just couldn’t control my emotions.) Ya, it’s all so very exciting, but there is also so much unknown.

    I’m sending you love and peaceful thoughts until Squishy is in your arms.

  9. Wow, the MP! Could be a day, or you could make it to your scheduled date. Either way, you’ll have a baby within two weeks. And hey, if the baby comes sooner, then that’s even less time you’ll have to spend worrying about your little one’s impending safe arrival.

    D

  10. i totally hear you on the scared business. me too. about just about everything these days….
    your nursery is beautiful.
    you will be holding your little one SO SOON! i can’t wait for you to have that moment.

  11. Counting the days with you=) I am thrilled for you–truly,truly!
    Cant wait until Squishy is here! The nursery is very lovely=)

  12. Wow, you have a full-on nursery – that’s crazy! HOw did that happen! Hang in there, you’re so close, it’s all gonna work out:-)

  13. Leaky boobs and a mucus plug – ewwww!

    Seriously though, it’s really getting close.

  14. Hang in there! This will all happen and go smoothly! Soon you will hold that beautiful Squishy in your arms. I know it is hard to have confidence that your body and doctors together can all make this happen — but they will. Look, your boobs are already cooperating!

    Wishing you the best!

  15. what you are feeling is completely normal. this is going to work, ms. s, and i couldn’t be happier. yea, s’s boobies!

  16. WOW! Talk about progression!

    It is very overwhelming…when you start experiencing all of the signs that the baby is coming and you begin to realize this is *it*. But, we all go through it…actually, I am in mid-freak-out myself about having two! It is okay…and J seems like he is so up for the challenge. 😉

    So, bask in your last day of work…and Squishy will be here soon for you to hold and adore.

  17. Nice job with the boobies.
    Crossing appendages for you. Soon, soon, so soon.

  18. I’m thrilled to see that yellow room full of hope and love! I’m most looking forward to a picture of you and Squishy snuggling together in that rocking chair. (I always think of your video from the IF struggle.) The suspense is killing me…whether Squishy is a boy or a girl!! I’m not so sure now…I had a guess one way before. 🙂

  19. Hang in there girl. The day of holding squishy is coming fast. you will love it with all your might. I know it’s easy to be afraid, but hold on. Good things are coming!

  20. P.S. I’m feeling thrilled about the colostrum. That seems like an *excellent* sign to me.

    Bea


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