4 weeks.

April 14, 2008 at 1:03 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments

Thank you ALL SO MUCH for the support yesterday.

I did feel a lot better after I took a nap – even just an extra hour of sleep yesterday helped me be a lot more patient with the little guy, even when he was up most of the night last night too.

And he’s having another fussy period this morning too. Which really pretty much sucks.

But I’m muddling through.

Kind of funny that the “oh shit, what did we just do?” thing hit me now – 4 weeks after he was born. I think the shock that we actually brought home a baby has actually started to wear off.

And I will say that I struggle with the guilt thing a lot lately.

Some of it is because of our infertility. Some of it is because I remember all too well what it was like when my mom lost her temper with me and my siblings. A lot of it is that I know I don’t typically have a lot of patience, particularly when I’m tired. I get sharp and critical with the people I love.

So when I feel myself losing my patience with my son, it really bothers me. He’s a BABY, for cripes sake. He’s not fussing to spite me.

And again. He’s little, and utterly dependent on us for EVERYTHING. It’s not his fault that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Hard to keep in mind when he’s fussing at 4 in the morning, after I’ve been up for hours already because he didn’t want to go back to sleep after nursing. But last night I managed to stay patient with him. Despite the fact that his eyes kept popping open despite the swaddle, despite the dummy, despite the fact that I know that he was TIRED.

Someday he’ll learn how great sleep really is.

Until then… I just have to get through the nights one feeding at a time.



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  1. Are you able to nurse Baby O laying on your side, belly to belly? Once I mastered that position my life completely changed! My daughter and I cosleep (works for some people, doesn’t work for others) – she still wake 2 – 3 times a night to eat but I barely notice since she’s right there and can latch on as needed.

    I’m a whole new woman!

    I hope that helps and things get better soon.

  2. I second the nursing while laying down–once we got the hang of it, things improved a lot. It’s much more relaxing and even if you don’t get to sleep you can at least rest horizontally! Keep fighting the good fight and know that you are a part of a female legacy dating back farther than any of us can imagine. If our great grandparents did this, many without any electricity or indoor plumbing, then we can too!

  3. I am so sorry my dear!

    But you are so right — it is HARD! And it’s okay to feel that and admit it. It might very well be the hardest thing you ever do!

    A friend told me a couple of months ago: ‘You’re in the trenches now. There are no breaks, no time to relax and recover. But you’ll get through it and make it to the other side. Just know how hard it is…’ and he was so right.

    (That’s right a ‘he,’ a DAD, father of 2 sets of twins!!)

    Just hearing that ‘in the trenches’ part helped because that’s how I was feeling, so exhausted and frustrated and GUILTY for having those feelings after everything we went through to get pregnant.

    I told myself if I could just hang out on and make it to 12 weeks I knew it would be a lot better, and honestly it DID get a lot better! Once the babies dropped even one night feeding it improved, and improved fast.

    Just realize that you’re in Baby Bootcamp at the moment, and take it one day at a time (or one feeding at a time!) and know that very quickly, you’ll start feeling more rested and more comfortable with everything.

    Please e-mail me if I can support you in any way!

  4. I agree with the others – nurses while layign down. Once we mastered it, it was such a HUGE difference. I felt soooo much more rested. I would sleep topless and he would latch on as needed and pull off when finished and I was able to get much more sleep. I would either lay on my side and we would be belly to belly or I would lay on my back (I think with my head resting on two pillows and a pillow under the arm on the side that he was nursing for extra support) and he would lay diagonally across me.

    As hard as it is to do, just keep in mind that it is only going to get easier from here (as far your sleep schedules). Everybody feels the exact same way you are so know that you are not alone and don’t feel guilty at all. Your feelings are very valid and real.

    Give the co-sleeping/ laying down while nursing thing a shot. I did it for the first four months and after that, he went back to his crib and we were able to get a better schedule down. Hang in there!

  5. It’ll get better. REALLY. When he’s old enough to know what’s going on, he’ll also be old enough to DO some on his own, too.

    Or at least I’m hoping. I was up till 4 last night trying to get Ava to sleep, so what do I know?


  6. For us, it really was a rough road up until six weeks. All of the books told me that that was the transitional time, that certain things happen in their development that help smooth things out. It was true with both kids.

    It is hard, and when you throw hormone wackiness, exhaustion, and the ghosts of infertility on top of it, it can seem overwhelming. You are doing better than I did though-you recognized it for what it is, and found a way through it. They do get a lot more fun, so much so that you almost forget about the demanding part. Almost.

    You’re going to get there!

  7. Get some rest and do not worry: as soon as your baby will start to smile, you will completely accept him and bond with him and become patient. The first few weeks are HELL, you are sleep deprived, and you feel like your child does not even like you… It is going to get better, I swear!

  8. I have no first hand nursing advice, but thought I might mention this tidbit. I was a very fussy baby and barely slept. There are photos of me at 2 years old fast asleep on living room floor with a blanket tossed over me – no one wanted to move me for fear I’d wake up.

    By the time I was 15 I realized I LOVED to sleep LATE on weekends and Mom would relish running the vacuum in the hall outside my room just to wake me up. Seriously, there were grooves in that rug from her going over the same stretch outside the door.

    You’ve got about 14 years and 48 weeks to get even with Baby O.

  9. Adequate sleep – or at least slightly more adequate sleep – really does make everything seem better.


  10. my mom used to walk outside and let my borther cry-if he was feed and changed. she couldn’t stand it. he was collicky and cried so much in the apt that they had to MOVE!
    she said 15 mins outside-in her coat freezing-borught her back.
    so you mught want to think about it.
    sounds like you need a spa day. the BEST thing you can do for o is take care of you.

  11. oh, babywaide=apron strings.

  12. As I am only approaching D-day, I have no advice except that which I’ve seen in books and echoes what others have said above. All I can say is take care of yourself as best you can, and I’ll be thinking of you until my brain is addled by sleep deprivation. Hang in there, you are doing the best you can!

  13. you said it well Serenity….hanging in there will help, I do walk away myself or cry with them. It helps to be able to just put myself somewhere else for a few minutes and then come back.
    I agree it sucks, it does. You wait so long for this child, you pray and cry and beg the universe for them and then they get here and they are just regular babies, and that is frustrating, because you want more. Yet, they are miracles and the moments of them looking into your eyes, snuggling into you make it all worth it. SO WORTH it.
    (Hug, I’m thinking of you)

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