On feeling like a mom.

May 10, 2008 at 7:16 pm | Posted in Infertility, The second month | 8 Comments

I told you I was irrational and quite possibly insane.

So I’m going to chalk that last post rant as a result of the stupid birth control pill.

I’m better today.

But to expand a little… I have to be honest here. I don’t actually FEEL like a mother yet. Mostly I feel out of my league. Like I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’ve have had a FEW moments where I feel like I’m Baby O’s mom, though. Like the moment where the ultrasound technician told me I could pick up my screamy upset son, who clung to me and pretty much immediately calmed when I whispered “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

Or like the moments, where, in the middle of the night when he’s famished and complains through his entire diaper change, Baby O calms as soon as I lay him down on the breastfeeding pillow – because he knows I’m going to feed him.

So yeah. There ARE little moments where I feel like, yes, ok, I AM his mom.

But I’ll tell you. Mostly I’ve relied on other people to get me through the past few weeks. My sister in law, who loaned us a different bottle and gave us a gentler formula to try for Baby O’s gas. My friend D, who just last week helped me realize that some of Baby O’s fussiness might actually be a product of being overtired, and helped me figure that he gets tired about 2 hours after waking up in the morning. My mother in law, who let Baby O cry for 30 seconds during his afternoon nap, showing me that if I don’t immediately pick him up to comfort him, he’ll go back to sleep. My mom, who made me realize that it’s ok that babies spit up and it’s not something to completely freak over.

Now, see. I have always judged myself based on how much I know. I mean, for cripes sake, I have THREE advanced degrees, you know? This motherhood stuff – really I know nothing. I’m learning, of course.

But I’ve always seen moms as people who are CAPABLE. Who know what they’re doing.

And I’m telling you, I feel like I’m faking my way through all of this.

It’s still so early, I can’t EXPECT to be an expert at the parenting thing. And I’m sure that most new parents feel the same way I do.

But you’re right. I went through a lot to get here. I CONTINUE to work hard to parent Baby O – being a parent is a tough job.

And it’s my first Mother’s Day. So I am going to try to enjoy it. I’m going to let J feed Baby O from my freezer stash tomorrow morning so I can sleep in. I’m going to go spend the day with my mother in law, my sister in law, and other members of J’s family. I’m going to eat chinese food. And I’m going to snuggle with my sweet little boy and remember that he does love me most in the world. Even if he can’t really show it right now.

And I’ll still be thinking of all the women tomorrow who are still on the path to being moms… and hoping that they get to celebrate Mother’s Day very soon.

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8 Comments »

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  1. Sean is 8-months old and sometimes I STILL feel like I’m faking it and barely muddling my way through. This on-the-job training is a rough gig, isn’t it? ((HUG))

  2. Boy, if you think that “real moms” have all the answers, then *nobody* is a “real mom”! That standard is unattainable, and will only frustrate you to try to reach it. Although I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on what my kids need, there have been lots of times (and I’m sure there will be plenty more) when I’ve had to ask for advice, or somebody saw me struggling and offered advice. *That* is what “real moms” do — we learn from each other and we teach each other. What you’re learning right now will enable you to pass on that information, knowledge and wisdom to another mom sooner than you realize.

    Hang in there!

  3. Everybody fakes it all the time. Happy mother’s day!

    Bea

  4. I think ultimately you’ll come to love the challenge of all this (you know, once you are better in the sleep department). Think about it…if you started a new job with your three degrees, it’d get pretty boring after a few months if you knew *everything* about the job and did it perfectly day in and day out. The challenge to conquer the difficult tasks is what keeps us going in most endeavors in life, so I really think the mom thing is right up your alley since you do thrive on learning. 🙂 This is just a different kind of learning that you’re adjusting to. It’s not as much about book smarts as it is about teaching your little one about the big world around him and how he fits in. Being a mom really is a humbling experience. That much is certain.

    D

  5. Happy mother’s day, you are doing a great job!

  6. Happy Mother’s Day!!

  7. I have “faking it” down to an art form 🙂
    You are a GREAT mom and I am so glad you got to enjoy your day. Baby O is so lucky to have you as a mommy.

    *hug*

  8. COngrats on starting to feel like a mother. Can I share a secret? YOu will ALWAYS feel like you could be doing things better. But it’s not true. You are the best mother for your baby. read Moxie, she’ll tell you it’s true.

    And a couple of pieces of assvice, since you didn’t ask.
    1. Change the diaper after you’ve fed him. It’s the difference between night and day in terms of screaming.
    2. A piece of sleep advice, I think it’s weisbluth but I read it on the net. In the first year, when a baby has been awake for 2 hours, they need a nap. It’s saved my life. I hope it helps baby O.


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