Confession.

May 29, 2008 at 8:23 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments

My SIL is talking about starting to try again for a sibling for our nephew. She’s planning for another baby, at the very least – you know, so they’re not too far apart in age.

On my infertility board, a good number of my old cycle buddies are pregnant with #2.

I’m packing up Baby O’s newborn and preemie clothing in a bin… in the hopes that maybe we’ll be able to use them again someday.

So I decided to take the birth control pills my OB recommended because I thought they’d help me feel normal. Like I was just a mom of a new baby and had to worry about getting pregnant again too soon.

Really I think I wanted to pretend that we weren’t infertile. That we were like the 87.5% of the population which didn’t have to worry about shots and doctors and embryo transfers and screwed up uterus shapes.

But I stopped taking them a week and a half ago. Because every night I opened the bathroom cabinet and saw them, bitterness took over. 

I am kidding myself. There is NO way I will end up an urban legend – pregnant despite very low sperm count and exclusive breastfeeding.

I mean, it COULD happen. But so could a lot of things. 

When I was trying, and wondering if we’d ever be parents, I used to think that I’d be happy with just one baby. That was the bargain I made with the universe – just give us one baby, just one shot at this parenting thing, and I’d be content.

And I mean, shit. I’m barely surviving this parenthood thing as it is – I’m tired and I mostly have no idea what I’m doing. I had no concept of how life-altering being a parent is.

I adore my Baby O with every fiber of my being but I’m terrified of doing something to fuck his life up.

So it’s funny. Because as I hear my SIL’s plans… and I hear of my old cycle buddies wondering how they’ll manage two kids… I feel so bitter. Like I’ve been left behind somehow.

Clearly I’ve forgotten that bargain I made with the universe.

And. Worse yet… way down, I have a secret hope that I WILL be that urban legend and get pregnant without actually trying this time.

Because then we don’t have to make DECISIONS. About how far we’re willing to go with ART this time. Because those decisions now directly impact Baby O.

And there’s this little part of me that thinks if we get pregnant on our own…

… then maybe we were never infertile in the first place.

Sad, huh?

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18 Comments »

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  1. I know you know this, but I feel like I have to say to please be careful about all this because your body, especially your uterus, needs time to heal. I’ve seen it happen often enough against all odds.

    I hope that whenever you’re ready, #2 comes along without as much of a struggle as you had before.

    D

  2. I don’t think it’s sad at all — I’m impressed with your honesty, both with yourself and with all of us. As the PP noted, though, be sure to give your body time to heal, just in case you do turn out to be that urban legend. And I hope that when the time comes the journey to #2 is short and sweet.

  3. Deeeeeep Breaths. Deep Breaths.
    I’m going to say this and I hope you don’t take offense. I’m only putting it out there because I care and don’t want you to regret anything.

    The bitterness? Let it go. Yeah, it sucks that SIL can ‘plan’ that others are looking into ttc #2 while you are getting a hold of being a mom.

    However, you are not your SIL, you are not these other women.
    You are you.
    You and J and O have your own timeline.
    There is nothing wrong with that timeline.

    Enoy O for now, enjoy being his mom, don’t let bitterness take over. And for right now? You are just like any other new mom, fertile or infertile. Doesn’t matter. You have a baby that loves and needs you.

    If need be, step away from the boards.

    Oh, and, not taking the bcp’s? Not a big deal in my book. Like you said it’s a slim chance that you would get pregnant and if taking them upsets you then don’t. Lots of women get pg “to early” and everything is fine.

  4. I’m kind of thinking it might be normal to think that maybe with our next babies, it might just happen naturally. It would be so refreshing and definitely be that missing part of the dream that we all had to give up. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about all these emotions and feelings. I would just roll with it and eventually you’ll find peace. I have a feeling there will never be a time when an anouncement of pregnancy, and espeically the dreaded “trying”word (which I HATE) won’t make me want to cringe internally and think really mean thoughts. Thankfully, most of us have filters and are able to brush it off with a fake smile and a quick change of subject. 🙂

  5. Not sad, not sad at all. To be honest, I have been struggling with this but from the other side – being an urban legend. I ended up pregnant with my second when my son was 9 months old. My little ones will be 18 months apart and I was SHOCKED to say the least. I didn’t take the bcp’s because of the issues involving milk production and because of my previous PCOS. Looking back, it was the best decision I could have made. Even if I hadn’t gotten pregnant I never had to worry about taking a pill every night or having my milk dry up.

    Of course now I wonder if people don’t see the struggle we went through for 2.5 years and have forgotten the miscarriage that crippled us. I still feel the need to tell people when they joke about “not knowing what causes this – ha ha” that we struggled just to have our son and everything we went through.

    Anyway, I’m sorry you’re struggling with these feelings but please know we’re here to vent to and that it’s completely OK to feel this way. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

  6. Not sad. Normal. i feel the same. Even though we got VERY lucky and somehow got pregnant with a crappy ass sperm count and PCOS.

    But honestly, I’m on the pill because I’m scared it could happen again. I WANT it to happen again. But I don’t want my kids too close together. I want to enjoy this time with Baby Charleigh.

    I also told myself if we had just one baby, I would be the happiest woman. But some part of me is super jealous of the fact that people can CHOOSE when to try and know they will get pregnant soon. I see women pregnant with second children, and I get bitter and jealous. Because DH and I are robbed of choosing when we get to have our next baby.

    I’m torn on seeing if it would happen again, and it happening too soon.. if it did happen. KwIM?

    (hug)

    I have no idea if I made any sense?

  7. Not sad at all, I have this conversation with myself daily!! Hell I pray everyday to become an urban legend!! Hang in there!!

  8. Samantha – YES. That’s my point exactly. It’s not that I want ANOTHER baby right now, but it’s that people can CHOOSE when they want another baby. That’s what I want. And yes, I’m torn between seeing if it’ll happen at all for us and not wanting it to happen too soon. Baby O is 2 months old, after all – I am in no rush to get pregnant again. It’s just the PRINCIPLE of the thing, that’s all.

    And D and K – if I see ANY signs that AF is returning and/or I might be ovulating, probably I’ll go to C.V.S and get another pack of pills. I do want my body to heal, particularly since I have a funky ute and had a c-section.

  9. Oh, you are so normal. I have twins, and I feel the same way. I find myself thinking about having a baby all the time. So how selfish am I? I got 2 the first time, and I still want another. I still feel a twinge of bitterness (or sometimes more than that) when I hear a pregnancy announcement, when I see a pregnant person, when I see my kids growing up and realize that this might be it, no more for me.

    Your feelings are normal and sound like a typical new mom … unfortunately for me (and I can’t speak for all IFers) infertility is and will always be a part of who I am. My babies didn’t fix it. How I wish they had!

  10. I get this. Everyone says to me that since we are expecting twins that we must be done. But I don’t think I’ll do any birth control after they come (safely god willing). I just don’t think I could stomach it. While I’m definitely getting older, and not sure how much newborn time I’m up for, I just can’t close that door yet.

    Like many say, having a bab(ies) doesn’t exactly cure the feeling from IF. Hang in there.

  11. You know, I find myself thinking about a second and I don’t even have my first. I think it is normal. It is all a part of this crappy hand we have been dealt. I hope when you do decide to go for #2, it is a quick journey.

  12. That’s not sad. I’m pregnant with our first (week 16) via IVF/ICSI. I have all those same hopes and secret feelings!

  13. I so know what you mean. I will always consider myself infertile, even if somehow I ended up an urban legend the second time around, but the rest of your post…I could have written it myself.

  14. Oh, Serenity, I think you are totally normal! I am struggling with the same feelings. I have a bunch of friends getting married this year who are “planning” on when to have their kids. They think it would be great for me to “plan” a second with their first. They say this so lightly adding that, you know, maybe my body has righted itself now that I have been pregnant and given birth.

    As much as I would love that… planning pregnancy is not really do-able for us. But secretly I hope… And then I try to snap back to reality and remind myself that PCOS with annovulation, crappy sperm and breastfeeding make for pretty good birth control. Yet today at my post-partum check up my doctor suggested that if I wasn’t going to use birth control I should stay on my folic acid just in case.

    Really, who is everyone kidding??!!

    It really is amazing… Even after winning the most precious prize that an infertile might want, how the pain doesn’t receed. Hugs to you.

  15. Oh for the love of WordPress… My comment was eaten.
    In a nutshell: I am having very similar feelings to yours. I think it’s normal.
    It really is unreal that after achieving the ultimate prize, the pain of IF is so so raw.
    Many hugs to you today…

  16. Ah, yes. And the fact that T’s last sample had a zero count seems to not factor into my unreasonable wish for an oops baby.

    It’s hard not to be bitter. For a while I wasn’t. And then it came back again. I forgot my own pact too. And the fact that I actually did only want one initially.

  17. I think what you are feeling is really normal. I can’t say I felt it, but I might.

    I just think it’s wonderful that you can be so honest about it, and know what it really means to you. If there was only one Piccini baby I know I would feel exactly like you do, to not have that choice is just like being IF again. You want the choice and the time to make that choice without thinking that the sand is running of the hourglass.

    Yep, I totally get that.

    *Hug*

  18. If your body is ok to go….I wouldn’t take them either.

    We have a fine count, two VERY young babies, and I am not on a thing. I’m charting and haven’t actually began cycling yet, and will chart to prevent a while, but…when people say, “just to wait” to me, I always retort with “there are worse things in this world than a free baby, ok?”

    There are. And babies close together don’t screw up each other’s lives. Seriously.

    At least not in my opinion!!


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