June 5, 2008 at 10:05 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments

So I find myself in a weird position. There are so many things that happen, so many things I am feeling, that during the day I tell myself a bazillion times “this needs to get onto my blog.” And the day gets away from me.

And then I find myself sitting in front of the computer with no freaking idea of what to write about.

So forgive me if this is a randomly, haphazardly slapped together list of things I want to discuss. 

a) My best friend J had her baby yesterday. A little girl. I was so convinced that it would be a girl that I actually bought her a little pink outfit about 6 weeks ago. I’m glad I was right.

The funny thing about this is yesterday morning, during Baby O’s 4am feeding, I was convinced that my cell phone was beeping. And I just knew it was J calling me to tell me she was in labor. But. When I went downstairs to check at about 4:30, there was no message.

When we got up at 6, though? Sure enough, my cell phone was beeping. J had called me at 4:55.


b) Baby O had his follow up hip ultrasound yesterday morning, too. The results? NORMAL. Utterly, wonderfully normal.

It seems my little boy has grown out of his hip dysplasia.

Thank freaking G-D we don’t have to drive into Boston for another specialist appointment. Because it was at 8:30am. And I thought I hated rush hour traffic before.

Rush hour traffic with a fussy baby was enough for me to literally pull my hair out. Poor kid – an hour and a half in stop and go traffic… I’d have fussed too!

c) Baby O’s new issue – absolute and EPIC meltdowns in the evenings. Because, you see – he’s tired. He doesn’t nap enough during the day, no matter what I do. (And trust me, all of your suggestions work. For about 10 minutes. And then his eyes pop open. I just can’t get him to STAY asleep, no matter what I do.)

So our evenings are spent holding a screaming baby. And it’s horrible to say it, but by the time he starts fussing I really am in no shape to help him. J has come home to me sitting on the couch, a squalling baby on the ottoman in front of me, watching TV.

Because NOTHING WORKS TO SOOTHE HIM. Not the 5 S-techniques Harvey Karp recommends. Not nursing. Not a dark quiet room. Not white noise. Not being held. Not being put down. Pretty much Baby O is inconsolable. He’ll cry and scream until he’s sweaty and hoarse. It’s horrible. And it happens EVERY.NIGHT lately.

We’re going to get past it, I know. But good grief. It totally sucks right now.

d) But when he’s in a good mood? Man, he is so fucking cute it nearly breaks my heart. He is starting to laugh now, and he almost always has a smile for me if I tickle his chin or say “Hi!” with a big grin. I make up way more silly songs than I ever thought I’d have the creativity for, and I probably sing more to him then I speak.

He’s holding his head up so well now – in fact, he prefers to be perched on my shoulder these days. I love it too – I get to kiss his cheek, his head, his ear – pretty much any available baby part.

And it seems that every day I love him more and more. I never realized that you could love someone so much without your heart utterly exploding. There are times where it aches, I love him so much.

e) So. Nursing. My first emotion related to this was relief – that something was going right with my body. It soon turned to “wow, this pretty much sucks.” For the first probably 6 weeks of Baby O’s life, nursing was my bane. I was worried I wasn’t making enough milk. My ni.pples hurt like MOTHERFUCKERS. I couldn’t face the shower. I couldn’t wear a bra straight up. And forget about wearing a t-shirt without a bra – eeek.

In the past few weeks, it’s changed… such that I actually enjoy it. I love watching Baby O’s face light up when I unsnap my bra and he knows he’s going to eat. I love the little sighs he makes in between swallows. I love the way he grabs at my shirt, bunched in his fist, as he eats. I love how, when he’s really hungry, he lays stretched out, perfectly still, his hands in fists on his chest.

And I love that it’s just the two of us. That I am the only one who can provide him with the food he eats.


That’s just a little of what’s been going on – both the good and the bad – with Baby O and I.

And every day, when I look down at my son, I can’t help but be thankful. Because even a year ago I literally had no hope that I might ever be here. Yet here I am.

It’s completely and utterly mindblowing.



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  1. a) Congrats to J!!! I’m sure you’ll be a big help to her with all the things you’ve learned in the past 2 1/2 months. I have a feeling you’ll soon realize you know more about what you’re doing than you give yourself credit for.

    b) Yay for the good u/s!!

    c) I hope this phase passes soon. It sounds like the witching hour(s) in full force. My suggestion is to make sure you get some time to yourself after J gets home, even if it’s just half an hour in the bath. Having a chance to recharge your batteries for a bit helps tremendously in keeping your sanity.

    d) I can’t wait to hear more and more cute stories as the weeks and months pass!

    e) Like you, I was also glad that I stuck with BFing. There are any number of temptations along the way to quit, and I’m proud of you for making it past those points and getting to the part that’s really good. 🙂


  2. All good things!! 🙂

  3. The “witching hour” screaming will end before you know it. Soon enough he’ll be a few months old, and you’ll completely forget how hard those first 12 weeks were.

  4. Sorry about the evening overtiredness. My DD did the same thing. It will get better, but you know that.

    Glad to hear nursing is going so well. That’s how I felt about it too. I miss it sometimes and it’s been years.

  5. I’m sorry to hear about the nightly screaming matches, but that’s really touching to hear that that the breast feeding is going so well. I’ve read so many stories of it going poorly, it’s nice to see it working out for someone.

  6. I’m with you- breastfeeding is a b!tch at first, but once you get the hang out it, is such an amazing bonding experience. It almost makes you forget how utterly exhausted you are!!

  7. wow, all good stuff going on.

    Glad the u/s was good, the evening meltdowns, (well at least they are NOT breath holding spells like my little drama king ..LOL)
    I know they stink sweetie, I hope he grows out of it sooner than later.

    you sound so good, every day I too get more used to this mom stuff, it’s one step forward , one step back most days, but almost always I end the day feeling less like a fake and learning something.

    Baby O is wonderful and I am so happy that you are so in love with him. You waited a long time for him…and he’s here. 🙂

  8. Even with your description of the nightly screaming sessions, your telling of motherhood is so beautiful. Truly. I hope to be there some day. Hearing that even 1 year ago you had no hope of ever getting there, gives me a little hope.

  9. Great post. Very informative! Just thought I’d stop by and let all the parents out there know about a solution I found to calm a fussy baby at night. I know all too well the horror of being awake all night long and living life day to day like a zombie. Hopefully you will find the information I suggest very helpful, because it worked for me and I know it can work for you! Hope you enjoy!

    Christopher Mason

  10. Good news about the hips, too.


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