Baby O and his blanket. Plus – my body as my enemy?

June 12, 2008 at 9:30 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 19 Comments

Here is how Baby O likes to sleep with his blanket.

And like this.

And like this.

Luckily for me we’ve had the most luck napping in the pack and play with the blanket, where I sit right in front of him and can continuously check that he’s still breathing. Because when your almost-three-month-old baby covers his face with his blanket, it’s, well, a LITTLE nerve-wracking.

Nothing like a baby who adores his suffocation hazard, eh?

The more he sleeps like this in the pack and play, the more I’m starting to accept that he won’t die if I let him cover his face.

So maybe I have a chance of letting him sleep with it unobserved by the time he’s five.

***

Last night’s pumping session only yielded 3 and a half ounces. Yesterday morning the same.

I have to admit that it freaked me out quite a bit. In fact, I cried last night with frustration.

Which is funny. Because until Baby O was born, I had NO expectations about breastfeeding. I was totally ok with feeding him formula. Until my milk came in. And then? I stopped giving him formula and proved that I could exclusively BF.

Now, see, I have expectations. I want to exclusively BF him for a full year. Which seems an inordinately long period of time. And because of that, I am absolutely OBSESSING about building a freezer stash. I want to freeze 8oz a day. You know, just in case my supply putters out.

And when I can’t get that 8oz a day, well… I feel like a failure. Yet again my body is failing me.

And then I go through the usual infertile thought pattern. “I didn’t drink enough water today. I need to start eating more oatmeal.” Et cetera, et cetera. Blaming myself for my body’s failure.

Which is FUCKING RIDICULOUS, really. I’m feeding Baby O all day. He’s gaining weight. Pumping is in ADDITION to exclusively BFing him. There is absolutely NO FAILURE on my part.

My good friend D pointed out to me this morning that my number 1 priority should be feeding Baby O. And that maybe my goal to BF for a year might be a little far away. She suggested that I focus on small steps.

So my new goal, which I am resetting RIGHT NOW, is this. I want to exclusively BF Baby O until he’s 6 months old. I will pump twice a day in the hopes that I’ll get one or two 4oz feedings to freeze.

And we’ll go from there.

I tell you. It’s hard getting out of the mindset that there’s something wrong with my body. For a long time I’ve looked at it as a failure. Even during my pregnancy I never really trusted that it would do what it should. And now, it’s really hard to take it on faith that it can sustain my son.

It’s garbage thinking. It was garbage thinking when we were trying.

And I need to let it go.

Working on it, working on it…

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19 Comments »

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  1. I need to get me one of them blankies 🙂 So cute!

  2. I wish my blankie made me sleep that good!

    Yeah, the thinking is wrong. You are beating yourself up when you are doing an amazing job.

  3. He is really cute with the blankie. Is he okay without it at night?

    Maybe you could still BF for a year, as long as you didn’t do it exclusively. But whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up about it.

  4. OMG he is sooooo cute!!!

    My Little One was the same way…he always had to have a blankie on his cheeks when he was sleeping. I got an Angel Care movement sensor pad so that I wouldn’t have to hover over his crib holding a mirror to his mouth and nose all day and night. The pad really helped decrease my anxiety. 🙂

  5. I wish I had advice for you on the garbage thinking, but no good words here. I still struggle with it.

    Ethan loves loves loves to have blankets by his face, too. When he’s in the swing, he’s a madman with them. We use a wrap at night, though.

    Don’t stress too much on the feeding. I have a freezer stash that I’m sure I’ll never use up. And I didn’t pump that much. We just simply do not use many bottles. You’ll be fine, even if you have to use some formula. Truly. Ava was 100% formula fed and she’s fine.

    Well, she’s crazy as all get out, but she’s fine. 🙂

    HAPPY THOUGHTS, S!! Happy thoughts!!

  6. I have to say, it’s so much harder to pump when you’re breastfeeding full time (especially when trying to pump at the end of the day). I could never get my milk to let down during the day while I was at home with my daughter, and ended up getting up during the night to pump while she slept. The issue there is that your body starts producing more at night and then you CAN’T sleep through the night. I will tell you that I still sucessfully managed to breastfeed my daughter exclusively for 14 months – and I work outside the home. I would just pump whenever I would normally feed her and put that into 3 bottles for her the next day. In reality, you shouldn’t really be producing a lot extra, you should simply be keeping up with how much he’s eating, which you appear to be doing. Try not to stress out too much about having a freezer stash. Our bodies were made to produce enough milk to feed our babies – not feed the world 😉

  7. Oh, and I should add that 8oz a day is a lot to expect to put away when you’re already feeding a baby around the clock. My daughter’s bottles at daycare never exceeded 6 oz per feeding (3 feedings while I was at work) and she grew just fine. You’re clearly producing enough since he’s growing fine.

  8. 1) my friend’s daughter has the pink version of the blanket and loves it on her face….not that’s safe but must be some baby drug in there.

    2) There’s a mother’s milk tea? Something like that and it worked wonders for my friend. She actually just pumps and has a week’s stash in her freezer.

    HTH…..

  9. I LOVE that Baby O is a blankie baby! I loved my blanket as a kid. When I got married, it was pinned under my wedding gown as my ‘something old.’ Somehow, I don’t think it would work the same way for a guy!

    You are doing amazing with breast feeding him, don’t beat yourself up!

  10. I love the blanket. Maggie has had one since day one and I let her use it at night. When I go to check on her before I go to bed, sometimes it’s in her face, so I move it much lower down and she’s totally fine. She’s a mover at night too and 9 months old already so they’re really okay. I hear you on the obsessively checking them.

    I can’t help too much with the whole bf’ing thing, but I do know this…once they start to eat “real” food, they need the milk a little less. So maybe you can reach your goal. You won’t need the same supply in a few months because he won’t drink as much milk. Am I making sense AND talking in circles? Typical.

    Keep your head up. I’m so jealous because my body NEVER let me do it.

    🙂

  11. Just wanted to lend my support on the whole BF’ing thing. My son is almost five months, and is exclusively breastfed. I have found that the times when it seems like my pumping is diminished, I will notice shortly thereafter that he has grown! I question whether those times my pumping seems to be diminished if my body isn’t transitioning to producing more milk because he’s eating more.
    Best of luck to you!

  12. I love the pictures with the blanket!

    You are doing such a wonderful job as a new mom, and your body is doing what it can. Try to just appreciate what your body has done/is doing, and see where the rest will take you.

  13. Hehe… looks like he’s asphixiating himself to sleep. (Which I’m sure is not the case you’d never let him.)

    Anyway. Hope you can take a deep breath and listen to the logical side of your brain on the feeding front. You’re producing enough for him. That’s the main thing.

    Bea

  14. I’m glad you have your friend. She is so right. Your main purpose is to feed the baby. The extra frozen stuff is not important. I didn’t pump anything extra until my daughter was sleeping a bit later in the morning and then I’d just pump once a day before she woke up for some breast milk for her baby cereal.

  15. Breastfeeding is also super hormonal and emotional, so be careful with those expectations!

    My little guy sleeps with is blanket covering his head too. I usually let him fall asleep that way, then I (gently) take it off his face when he’s totally asleep.

  16. Sean likes to sleep with a blanket on his face too…which is why at 9-1/2 months, he still doesn’t have one in his crib. I intend to keep him in a sleepsack at night for as long as he’ll fit into them, LOL!

    And about the breastfeeding, IMHO, you’ve accomplished something huge by breastfeeding him this long!! 🙂

    ❤ Amy

  17. I have to agree with Alisa-eight ounces a day plus fulltime feeding may be a bit unrealistic. I exclusively BF’d Son until he was 14 months, and we’re nine months into BabyA. They both took three 6 oz bottles a day at daycare, plus a feeding from me before bed. (I pumped twice at work and sometimes before bed depending on how the bedtime feed went.) My approach when I went back to work (both were 3 mos) was that I would work my way through the work week, and anything that was extra after making up bottles for the next Monday got frozen. I had to travel for work for a week when BabyA was almost five months, and I had plenty stored.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself-it’s a hard infertile mindset to get out of, and I still struggle. Revel in the fact that you are feeding her, and you are enough for her, and that your body FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT. My humble suggestion would be one pump before bed just to get through the night (I can’t remember if BabyO sleeps through or has one feed during the night), and use that as your slush fund. You’re doing great!

  18. “I tell you. It’s hard getting out of the mindset that there’s something wrong with my body. For a long time I’ve looked at it as a failure. Even during my pregnancy I never really trusted that it would do what it should. And now, it’s really hard to take it on faith that it can sustain my son.

    It’s garbage thinking. It was garbage thinking when we were trying.

    And I need to let it go.

    Working on it, working on it…”

    Took the words right out of my mouth. I’ve been working on a post of a similar theme. Now if only I could find the time to *finish* it.

    You’re doing a great job, Serenity. Really. That boy is growing big and strong and that’s proof that your body is providing exactly what O needs.

    big hugs.

  19. Phoebe does the same thing with her blankets. She has a little snuggly that she’ll scrunch up on her face until she falls asleep. I usually come by later to uncover her face once she’s out.


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