Last week.

September 2, 2008 at 8:48 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

Next week J, Baby O, and I are going to a lake house with my in-laws, sister and brother-in-law, and our nephew. We’re very much looking forward to it – especially J, who can’t wait to get out on the boat and fish with his father every morning.

But it struck me yesterday as I was doing dishes.

It means that this is the last week Baby O and I are home together.

Usually I’m pretty good with changes – in fact, change has always been neccessary to keep me from getting bored. I have three degrees in three very different areas of study. I moved to Boston after college after never even having visited here.

And overall I AM looking forward to this new job.

But I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t dreading it, a little, too.

Why?

Because Baby O is the most important person in my life right now. And I feel like J and I barely have time for much else as it is. Add preparing everything that needs to go to daycare to the mix and a full time job?

Also. We had a wonderful weekend where we went to parties – my FIL’s birthday party on Saturday night, an open house for J’s cousin and her new baby on Sunday, and a barbecue at my best friend’s house yesterday. Baby O did great, actually – provided that I was the person holding him.

As soon as we gave him to someone else to hold, including J? Meltdown. Poor kid just got overwhelmed and overstimulated with the number of faces looking at him. And the noise level in the room.

I KNOW that he’s going to be ok, I KNOW that he’s going to adjust to daycare.

But I also know the transition is going to be really rough on him. And I feel guilty already because I know I’m going to put him through some serious stress.

Because Baby O is NOT a mellow, happy, adventurous baby. (Yet, anyway.) Loud noises startle him and make him cry. It takes him a good half hour in a new place for him to relax enough to play with his toys. Even when we’re at home, he will earnestly play in his exersaucer, but keep looking up to make sure I’m in the room with him. When I give him to someone else to hold, depending on how tired he is, he lasts maybe about 5 minutes before he’s crying big wet crocodile tears.

And as much as I keep thinking that once he adjusts, daycare will be GOOD for him in helping him get over this sort of separation anxiety… I just KNOW it’s going to be really hard on him.

So I have to admit that yesterday I got overwhelmed with the idea that this would be our last week together alone, Baby O and I. Emotional, even.

I keep trying to tell myself that once we get over the initial hump, this will be a GOOD thing for the both of us. Socialization, challenge, learning new things. For me, the knowledge that we can not only pay our mortgage without dipping into savings, but we can also save for college for Baby O.

We’re not the first people to bring our baby to daycare, either.

And both J and I are SO comfortable with the daycare. I like that they have curriculum for babies, where they help them do things like crawl and cruise. I love his primary caregiver. I think she’s wonderful, and in the few times we’ve met her, Baby O didn’t cry in her arms liked her pretty well.

Again. Overall I’m really comfortable with the situation. I think it’s going to be good for the both of us. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I just can’t seem to convince myself out of the guilt, I guess.

So yeah. It’s going to be a rough transition.

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11 Comments »

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  1. I’ve followed your blog for a while now, just lurking. My son is 4 1/2 months old and I read your blog and look forward to reading what your son is up to.
    I just dropped him off at daycare for the first time this morning. I return to work tomorrow. It’s devastating. I feel as you do, that he will be okay and it will just be a period of adjustment, but it’s taking every ounce of strength I have not to drive over there and snatch him up into my arms and bring him home.
    Enjoy your remaining time at home, that’s what I did. And I know it will be okay.
    We’ll be okay. Have a great vacation. It’s a lovely way to bring your time at home to a close.

  2. all the women i’ve known who have gone back to work (About 90% of the mothers i know) have all said the same thing-the first weeks are awful and involve a lot of crying. but.every.single.one.of.them. are glad that they did. and not all of them had to go back for financial reasons.

    also, if you haven’t read “the milk memos” you should. it’s a casually writteen book about women who went back to work and pumped. it’s funny and has a lot of good tips. and easy read as well.

    steel yourself, you’re a strong cookie…and you’ll adjust.

  3. It gets better with time, but the guilt nver goes way… Enjoy this week with your sweet baby

  4. What your feeling is all normal. The transition is not easy, but it does get better. I remember crying the entire first week, but I think if you like the daycare and the caregiver-it will make a huge difference. Hang in there. I remember someone telling me that it get easier every day-it was hard to imagine, but it eventually did. Hang in there.

  5. You’re such a great mom! 🙂 It’ll be so hard, I’m sure, but focus instead on how thrilled you’ll be when you pull in to see him every afternoon. Sounds like you’ve found the perfect place and you obviously cherish the time you do have together, and that’s what matters. Good luck! 🙂

  6. As with most things, it seems, the anticipation is way worse than what is actually being dreaded. There may be some rough patches along the way, but you’ll all do great in the end. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen stories of starting daycare solving issues like naps, eating, night sleeping, etc. He may surprise you. 🙂 And remember that if you suprise yourself and adjust better than you expect, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom for being okay with returning to work. It just means that you were ready and prepared. 🙂

    D

  7. Oh Serenity, I’m sorry. I know this is tough on you and will be tough for baby O. But you will get through it — both of you. I hated going back to work, in fact I cried both times. But it got better with time, although I still drive home like a bat out of hell to see my kids! Every day is like Christmas for me when I walk through the door, and in some ways I think that’s even better because we all get the opportunity to miss each other.

    Keep letting us know how you feel and we’ll keep patting you on the back, telling you it’s okay.

  8. It will take some getting used to, but you have a great situation all around — an exciting new job, awesome childcare, and let’s not forget a wonderful husband. I suspect Baby O will come to LOVE daycare and you’ll feel less guilty.

  9. I was just rereading some of your very old posts tonight–like first or second FET cycle old. And perhaps, it would help to spend a little time back in 2006 to remind yourself of your incredible strength (and, since you are his mother, Baby O’s incredible strength since you taught it to him too even if it seems dormant at the moment). How you made it through that even when you thought your heart couldn’t. And you’ll make it through this too. It will be so hard, but you’ll do it. Because you rock. And you’re stronger than you can possibly know.

  10. wow, Mel just said what I was thinking, that you are stronger than you can imagine and those of us who “know” you…know that you are such a terrific mom, one who cares and loves so deeply.

    Sure change is coming, and like any change it will require you to move over and shift and possibly even stand still for a moment for you to get your bearings. Yet, I promise that all will be well….and yes Baby O and you will be amazing at the end.

    *cry the tears, they serve their own purpose, I cry a lot…lots of happy, “I can’t believe how we got so freakin lucky”, lots of “holy cow, there are babies in my house” tears” and even some “what was I thinking” tears”. They all serve me , to remind me how far I have come, how happy we are as a family , and how far we have to go. *

    *BIG HUGS*

  11. I hope the remaining days, and the times you do have together in the future, are extra-special. Best of luck with work.

    Bea


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