Infertility is never far away, I suppose.

September 4, 2008 at 8:57 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 20 Comments

My SIL called J last night. At first, I didn’t think much of it, because we’re going on vacation with them next week. I figured she was calling to check some details with us.

But when he said “Wow, congratulations!” I just knew.

(The dread, you see. You know, where it settles into the hollow of your chest, and you have this sudden need to run as fast and as far as you can to get away from your own failure. That feeling that makes you, when you’re trying, avoid ALL of your friends who are newly married and of childbearing age.)

And I was right.

She’s pregnant with #2. Due March 26.

I wish my first reaction was happiness for her. But it wasn’t. It was more along the lines of bitter.

“Must be nice to get pregnant whenever you want.”

Horrible, no?

Worse than that, K’s been nothing but supportive of us for a long time now. She cried with happiness when we told her that I was pregnant. She took care of Baby O – with a newly walking D at her knees – while I interviewed for my job. Even though she wasn’t able to nurse, she has been unbelievably supportive of the fact that I’m nursing Baby O. She called me every day, early on, when Baby O was waking every two hours to nurse. In fact, she TOLD me that she would “continue to call me to check in until I was tired of her.”

She has been wonderful in every sense of the word.

And yet I’m having a hard time being happy for her.

I thought that I had started to heal from our infertility. That Baby O’s smile would help insulate me from these stupid fucking pregnancy announcements.

He should be enough. Because for so long I was so scared of not having him. And I love him so much. And am so thankful we are lucky enough to HAVE him.

Not only that, but it’s not like I’m READY for another baby, right now. I start a new job a week from Monday. I’m still 10 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I haven’t been to the gym regularly since last SPRING. When I wean Baby O, I want to get my body back, just a little, before I think about a FET.

So what the fuck? Why can’t I manage to see past my own issues to be happy for my SIL?

I suck.

I’m tired of letting infertility justify my bitterness towards people who aren’t deserving of it. It’s no more their fault that they can get pregnant easily then it is mine that we’re infertile in the first place. It just IS, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it.

I need to get past this. It’s not fair to me, to J, to my SIL, to Baby O that I hold onto this bitterness.

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20 Comments »

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  1. You know what though – I laughed when you wrote what you said, because it’s exactly what goes through my head. “Must be nice.” You most certainly do NOT suck.

  2. Consider that maybe she was jealous of your ability to nurse while she could not.

  3. I know how you feel 150%. You would think that my TWO kids would be enough to strip away at least some of the heartache and bitterness of IF. Nope. You would think that the fact that I am completely done having children, will never be pregnant or try to get pregnant again, would ease some of the pain and evil-ness. Nope.

    You do not suck, you are normal. And I suspect that you will be appropriately supportive and excited (even if it’s a facade) throughout the pregnancy.

  4. lyrehca – EXACTLY. She’s been great, despite the fact that I know she wanted to nurse our nephew and couldn’t. All the more reason why I need to get over myself, you know?

  5. don’t be so hard on yourself. you are human, and in large part–you can’t help how you feel. would it be more healthy to not think that? to live in denial?i don’t think so. you can be envious of her fertility AND be happy for them.

    ok, so lay off my friend–because i know her well enough at this point to know that she is a good compassionate person..

  6. you don’t suck, Not even a little.

    you know what does suck? The way that IF takes a little piece of us that even a live, breathing, giggling, amazing baby doesn’t give us back. Pretending that didn’t happen, rationalizing our feelings doesn’t make it any better.

    while I know deep down you are happy for K and that just like when your nephew was born those feelings will come bubbling up, the ones of love for this newest family member, I also know that trying to deny that jealousy and hurt and frustration of not being able to just “get pregnant” is a very real and human feeling. One you shouldn’t beat yourself up about. EVER.

    *big Hugs my friend*

  7. I have a friend who just this week, in the middle of what might be our last try, got pregnant again. Which means she’s lapped me twice. Thankfully I was able to be big enough to email her a congrats, but still I’m bitter. It still bugs me that she gets this on the first or second try, with no thoughts to it whatsoever, while I live in a world where people tell me I’ve had long enough, I need to just “get over it”, like I can decide to just not care.

    I sooooo get it. I don’t know that even having a kid would fix it for me either.

  8. Ah…you are so normal! I get it. And for me, it’s not so much that I am bitter with them for getting pregnant, it’s that I’m bitter because I couldn’t get pregnant as easily. It’s about me, and not them. Why can’t I just have sex and get pregnant? I want that element of surprise, not something so scientific that there’s no surprise at all.

  9. You don’t suck. Look how many people here feel the same way! I think maybe you should vent all you want here (and to J) to keep those feelings from showing through to your SIL. It sounds like she’s been great to you, so it would be nice to be able to seem outwardly excited for her. You can still feel the bitterness, though. That’s what your readers are here for!

  10. No, you do not suck. Not in the least.

    You should hear some of the comments that I, and even D., make about others’ pregnancies. “Must be nice” is practically a catchphrase in our house. Infertility is a scar.

  11. Serenity,

    As I’ve mentioned to you before, I’m one of those “get pregnant first try, with all 3 of my kids people” and I’ve always only planned 3 kids. BUT…I still get a pang of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman or newborn baby, because I know we won’t be having any more babies. What you’re feeling is completely normal for any woman, let alone one thats struggled with infertility.

    Of course baby O is enough for you, and if you only have him you will feel complete one day. But for now, your wounds are raw and its all still too fresh. And even if you have more children, as many as you could want, you’d probably still long for the feel of one more pregnancy, one more newborn snuggle, one more nurse, even if just for a moment. And thats okay. Espeically since you HAVE gotten to experience it…so you know what it feels like, you know HOW good it IS. Of course you want to experience that feeling once more.

    But trust me…once you’ve made peace and finished your family, even though you might long for “one more” anything…you’ll be so busy enjoying your family at its current stage, that you can feel those feelings, and then move on a lot quicker. You just aren’t there yet. And thats okay.

  12. I know exactly what you are feeling. For me I don’t think I’ll ever fully be able to accept things like this without a little bit of jealousy. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It doesn’t mean you won’t love this new neice or nephew it just means your pissed at the raw deal you’ve been dealt! Much love…

  13. I still go there. Every single time I hear a pregnancy announcement. I wish I didn’t. But I do. I’m sorry.

  14. Oh, this news is always so hard to hear. And sometimes it’s the hardest when it’s the ones we love. I remember when we were going through our diagnosis, surgery, etc. I was desperately hoping my sister wouldn’t turn up pg. Anyone else I could sorta handle. Somehow the idea of her getting pg in the middle of our most difficult period (which she didn’t know about until we were about to cycle) was too much.

    Don’t beat yourself up too much. Your feelings are your feelings.

    I think she told you guys this week so you’d have a chance to digest the news in the privacy of your own home, which is also quite considerate.

  15. When you figure out how to make the bitterness go away, please let me know. Totally feeling ya over here.

  16. Don’t be too hard on yourself…just like it’s no one’s fault, your feelings aren’t anyone’s fault either. Like you said, some things just…are.

  17. At leats you are aware of you feeling and is questioning them… That does not make you a bad person at all, you are still in a healing process that takes time, HUGS

  18. Oh, and this is the trick I’m trying: these people who have their babies all one after the other – it’s over for them in a flash. I look at one of my friends who started trying around the same time we did and she now has a complete family and I think, wow, that’s gotta suck knowing for absolute sure you’ll never get to enjoy pregnancy/the baby phase again. Whereas I like to kid myself that I’ve got another to look forward to. Well, I might have, at least, right?

    Bea

  19. I am SO right there with you. I *really* struggle with these feelings and like you, I’m NOT ready to even think about being pregnant or having to take care of another baby. I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did for your SIL.

    You do NOT suck. Not at all, my friend.

  20. Thanks so much for your honest post. I think so many of us can relate.


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