Letting go of the plan.

February 2, 2009 at 8:17 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments

I know, I’ve been a horrid blogger lately. Complaining about sick. Obsessing over anesthesia. Seems like all I do is worry and complain.

But believe it or not, that really isn’t what defines my days.

There is SO much I want to blog about. The thoughts come to me as I drive to work each morning. As I shower. As I lay in bed in that space between wakefulness and sleep.

I want to tell you all about how much I adore my son. How I’ve never, ever felt a love like this before in my life. How J and I have finally found a space where we are co-parents. And how watching J with Baby O makes me love him more and more every day. How we’ve found a space for us, for our relationship, for our marriage, which seems to be working so far. How despite the fact that I’m busy right now at work with my quarter end, how I really enjoy my job. My boss. My coworkers.

How I finally feel like I can live in the moment, in the here and now, without feeling like something’s missing.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve lived like this. For the past ten years, I’ve always been planning. Looking for a job. Then in school for my CPA. Then planning to live with J. Planning a wedding. Planning a family. Planning for a house.

Then doing my best to plan for Baby O. But also planning for the contingency plan.

It’s true.

I mean, shit. I plan other plans if my intial plan doesn’t work out.

And here I am right now. Curiously, I find myself not WANTING to plan. I mean, there are things I want to do this spring and summer with Baby O. Take him to the beach. Hiking. To the Children’s Museum. The aquarium. Camping. Maine. But it’s more a desire to have fun, to spend our time together relaxing instead of PLANNING for the next thing.

Because I am acutely aware of the fact that time draws us onwards. I look at Baby O sometimes and marvel at how in a few short months he’s gone from a helpless newborn to a little person who can feed himself. Every day brings something new: sitting up from a crawling position, pulling up on our ottoman. Drinking from a sippy cup. He’s really amazing, and it’s awesome to witness.

I just feel like we’re in such a good place right now. Even with the ear infections. And the work stress. And the neverending battle to keep up the house. See friends. Run errands.

I’ll tell you though.

Baby O is worth every moment we spent working to bring him home.

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10 Comments »

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  1. So wonderful Serenity! I love that you are in such a place of contentment. That’s what it’s all about! Baby O is so blessed to have a momma and dad that love him so.

  2. Awww you made me cry!!!

    They are really worth every minute of it aren’t they??!!

    Hugs,
    Rebel

  3. You know, that is exactly how I felt after we had our first born. We had finished with college, had just gotten our house, our jobs…always planning for the next thing. But after finally finding your footing being a parent is such a wonderful, wonderous thing. Reading your post brought back memories to me about that time. And reminded me that this time goes by so fast and that I should sometimes “smell the roses”.

    BTW, there is a great website for planning things to do with your kid: bostoncentral.com. I always get some great ideas there. I also like to check out ArtsBoston for discount tickets.

  4. happy for you…

  5. Keep enjoying Baby O… they grow up WAY to fast! πŸ™‚

    Take care

  6. I couldn’t have a bigger smile on my face for you and your family right now πŸ˜€

  7. That’s great!

    If/when you have the time, I would like to hear more about how you and J. have found space & time for your own relationship.

  8. My little guy just had tubes put in today, and I am still shocked at how easy and fast it went.

    I hear you on planning- I feel like I need to plan things out. If I don’t, I just get too caught up in the every day routine and end up forgetting the other things I’ve wanted to do. Especially when kids are sick, that becomes the center of our world (as it should!), but it’s easy to get stuck in that. I’m trying so hard not to get stuck here. Good luck!!

  9. Sing it sister.
    Glad all is good.

  10. So happy to find out that you finally made it to a peaceful place. This is going to sound horribly cliche and sappy, but Baby C has helped me to get closer to that place as well. Loving him doesn’t cure or heal everything but it does offer me a level of peace I have never before experienced. And, once again, you have blazed a trail for me and for others and have shown us what is possible. πŸ™‚

    As for your previous post about J and multitasking – did you come to my house to conduct research for that post? Seriously! Mr. LIW is the same way.

    Again, so happy that you are happy….

    XOXO


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