The essence of motherhood.

February 24, 2009 at 10:12 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 15 Comments

So the mornings when you’re not sleeping at night are ROUGH. I’m tired and bitter and it’s all I can do to drag myself out of bed.

Yet I manage to go through my day like a normal person; and usually in the afternoons I perk up a bit. (After coffee, of course.)

And I was thinking today. Yeah, I’m tired. Shit, I’m more tired than I ever have been in my entire life. It’s been more than a year since I slept through the night. And yeah, I’m concerned that we’re inadvertently causing bad sleep habit which we’ll need to break in order to get him to sleep through the night again.

But in the middle of the night, when he cries out “meh-meh,” I go into his room, and I pick him up from his crib, all warm and fuzzy, and I hold him to me. And he snuggles in, his head on my chest, his arms wrapped around me like a hug. And I sit with him, rocking, listening to the music playing low in the background, the room lit by his nightlight.

And every once in a while, he’ll lift his head and look deep into my eyes, as if he’s just making sure I’m still there.

It’s just him and me. And he needs me like no one else in my life ever has.

And in that moment, I’m struck with a love so deep, it makes me want to cry.

I never, ever, EVER thought I’d be this lucky.

And I’ll take sleep deprivation ANY DAY over the fear we lived through in order to bring him home.

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15 Comments »

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  1. *Tears*

    This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it does make those very, very hard years worth it.

  2. I’m glad he’s healing physically. It is exhausting, but it absolutely is those moments that make any of it, all of it completely and utterly worth it.

  3. Ahhh Truer words were never spoken!!

    Hugs sweetie it gets better!!!

    Rebel

  4. Isn’t it the best??? Sleep deprivation sucks, but the little buggers that cause it are so so worth it! Gratitude is a wonderful feeling. It makes us better mothers and better people in general. :o)

  5. Very true. And that sleep deprivation–it never really goes away. Last night, we were up with our 10 year old all night–he’s sick with the flu (as am I). I think in the last 10 years I have had a handful of weeks where I got enough sleep. But it is so damn worth it. (Even when you are cursing them under your breath cuz you really could use that sleep!)

  6. Excellent post! Sleep deprivation is horrible, but they will never need or want us like they do right now. They grow up so quickly, that moments like you described are golden.

    That said, I did tell DH that I would like a really good coffee and espresso maker as a present for the twins birth. We’ll both need it!

  7. So true my friend!

  8. Beautiful post!

  9. WOW…

  10. True. I think about that all the time. I’m not always sure I really want my son to sleep through the night (but sshhh! about that).

  11. You are so right. Complain we will about the lack of sleep, but DAMN we are lucky we HAVE this opportunity to feel this way.

  12. well I couldn’t say it better myself. In fact I have been doing what you’re doing a lot lately, just rocking them..even if I’m tired, even if they have fallen asleep again, even if it’s late and I really really should go to bed or fold clothes, or close my own eyes, because I know that I won’t have these times forever..and the feel of them, the smell of them….well that’s nothing to complain about.

    this was a beautiful post *tears*

  13. Oh, sweetie, you’ll understand that I let that go on for 18 months. It was partly because I thought it was best for them, but it was also best for me. Cherish that time–it is so incredibly special.

  14. The snuggling really is the best!

  15. I’ll say this: I do believe sleeping through is a developmental milestone, rather than something that you have to teach OR ELSE. You can encourage – lightly or heavily – and it’s best to give them the opportunity to learn, and sickness/distress will always upset the cart and you’ll be back on duty again, no matter what age, but I disagree with those who say you *need* to train them to sleep or they’ll *never* blah blah blah. It’s just not true, and experts will agree. You are absolutely fine to cuddle at midnight if you can survive it! I hope you catch enough sleep to survive it soon!

    Bea


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