Argh.

March 10, 2009 at 8:46 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

I hate when my husband and I are not on the same page.

I’m sick of trying to open the lines of communication so that we CAN get onto the same page and feel like I’m talking to a brick wall.

I’m tired of feeling like I am the one who has to make all the decisions in our house.

I hate how, to “keep the peace,” my husband just goes along with a suggestion, even if that’s not what he’d do.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to pull teeth to get his REAL opinion on things.

I’m tired of feeling like I am the person who has to worry about the financial ramifications about decisions we make. (Because, you know, if something happens to one of us, Baby O will inherit our bad decisions.)

I’m tired of having to scream to be heard in my house.

I’m tired of worrying that because my husband is thinking about 17 other things in any given moment, he’ll do something like drive past daycare and forget that Baby O is even in the car.

I hate feeling WRONG all the time, like I worry too much, or I am trying to plan too much.

I’m just tired, right now.

I know that relationships have ebbs and flows. I do.

I’m just tired of the ebb right now. I could use some flow.

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12 Comments »

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  1. I hear you on so many levels. I could have written this post this morning, I tell ya.
    I wish you some “flow”.
    And send you warm hugs.

  2. Yep, join the club. 🙂

    You may need to scale back a few things. Yes, it would be nice if your husband were as passionate about the same things you are… but he’s not, and trying to nag, force, impel, or otherwise move him from his present position does not work and will not work. Or if it does work, it will just make him resentful. Sad to say.

    My advice (which works for me when I can make myself follow it, and if I remember it!) is to shut my mouth, bite my tongue, whatever. It is SO incredibly hard to do, but it can get easier over time. It’s a bit counter-intuitive, but I think it works. Right now, it sounds like J is just being stubborn, and not doing anything because you want him to do something (over-statement, I’m sure, but you get my drift), and the more you push, the more stubborn he’ll become. But if you slack off, he won’t feel a need for resistance, and may actually pick his head up and look around and realize (finally, on his own) what you’ve been saying.

    In one sense, why should he worry about it, when you worry enough about it for both of you? This won’t be a “quick fix” — if anything, it’s a “slow fix.” It will get harder before it gets easier; and J will do more things that you wish he wouldn’t before he realizes that you were right all along (even if he never acknowledges how right you were).

    Play through some of these scenarios until all possible conclusion, and then weed out the implausible ones. What happens if J forgets to drop off O? He has to turn around and take him back, being late for work. A pain in the butt, and his boss won’t be happy. Eventually J will start to pay more attention, and it won’t happen again. What happens if you lose your nest egg because J wasn’t paying attention (or didn’t take your advice)? Yes, O will not have as great a financial start as he might have had, but the two of you are both working professionals, and I bet that each of you makes more than my husband does (and I’m a SAHM), and while I understand you have bills to match, my point is that you are likely going to be able to give O a better start even if you make some major financial mistakes than I can give my kids if we do everything “right.” Cut yourself some slack — money isn’t everything! [But if you do want some great financial advice and a plan, you can check out financial counselor and author Dave Ramsey.]

    Most importantly, try to focus on the GOOD side of J (if necessary, write them down so you can read them and remember them when it is most hard). Think about the early times of your relationship and how he seemed just perfect, and write down what it was about him that you liked so much. He still is the same person, so try to focus on what you *like* rather than the annoying habits and other parts that you *don’t* like.

    This isn’t “pie in the sky” talk; it’s actually quite difficult to do, but it is worth it. You can’t change J, and attempting to do so will only make you both angry and frustrated; but you can change yourself. The funny thing about “the ebb and flow of relationships” is that when you start flowing towards J, he’ll probably reciprocate.

  3. I swear, if it weren’t for the blogosphere, I’d think that everyone got along great with their husbands, shared all responsibility equally, reveled in watching their husband be good dads, etc etc. So thank G-d for the blogosphere, so I know I’m not the only one! And you’re not the only one!

    This is so cliche, but my husband and I were going through one of these moments this weekend, and we’d previously arranged for my parents to watch our son so we could go out to eat, and I was wondering how we could do that when we weren’t speaking. But we went out, and we kind of talked things out, and it really helped. So you don’t have to take the assvice if you don’t want it, but for us at least, time without the baby helped.

  4. I know just how you feel. Sending lots of ((HUGS)) your way right now, sweetie.

  5. DAH!! Frustrating! We have major ebbs and flows here too. You’re not alone. Ride it out, Serenity. I’m ridin’ it out with ya. :o)

  6. **hugs**

  7. I agree with Deborah, IRL everybody has such a perfect life, perfect kids, perfect husbands…I understand how frustating it is, been there…Hang in there, HUGS! you guys love each other and in the end that is what matters.

  8. Serenity-
    Just remember, those quirky qualities are probably some that you fell in love with, but now that you have another little person, it makes you see it in a different light.

    I have a stepson and I remember that when he would come visit, it would take a minute for us all to synch. It happened after my first daughter and second daughter was born. My husband said it best, it takes awhile to get everything in line when a change happens.

    My advice to you, because J is probably who he has been, is and will be, is to just focus on the major things and not focus on the “what ifs”. Easier said, I know, but that’s what children to us. What if I die, what if we lose our job, what if…. Men think, when I am going to get sex again:)

    You are doing a great job. Pat yourself on the back and then breathe!!

    leslie b

  9. What really sucks is that infertility is such a stress on your relationship, and once you overcome that and start your family, you get a brand new stress! My husband and I are trying really hard right now to make things happy. At least I’m glad (and lucky) he’s a good communicator now. Wishing you some flow really soon!

  10. You sound like you need to drive cross-state for Bueno. Or at least curl up in bed and take an hour for yourself tonight. Sending a hug.

  11. My Hubby is (actually now, was) a huge culprit of going along with something that I have suggested even if he didn’t want to. He never expressed his opinions on the matter at the time, depsite me asking and asking again and again. And then when we had an arguement sometime down the track, out came how he really felt and he would twist it so that it was my fault that something turned out the way it did, even though I had asked and asked for his opinion at the time, even though he went along with it in the beginning.
    After a while I became quite sick of this occurring and had it out with him. It took awhile to come to but we now have an understanding that if I ask him if he is okay with something and he says he is, then that’s it. I’ve given him the opportunity to speak his mind and if he chooses not say anything, then it ends at the time and he cannot bring it up in an arguement to score points against me. It took me awhile to actually let go of my old habits (asking and asking him for an opinion) but eventually it became easier and now I ask him once and that’s it. And I’m ok with that too because I eventually realised that I can’t do more than that. I have given him the opportunity to speak his mind and then if he doesn’t take it, then realistically that’s his issue. He has been able to hold up his end of the bargain as well, he doesn’t bring it up in an arguement anymore either. Sometimes when I think that he is not being honest with how he feels, I’ll remind him that I’m giving him an opportunity to speak and he always say’s that he knows and that it’s ok.
    The result of this is that we argue a LOT less and are more happier now than we were a year, even 3 years ago.
    I don’t know if this sort of thing will suit your situation, but I thought that I’d share something that has worked for me.
    Sending “Flow” your way. 🙂

  12. Men are simpler (note I did not say less intelligent) than women, in general. They worry less and plan less and are happier with fewer ideas and things and events, etc. It took me many years to realize that the reason my husband wasn’t weighing in on which “fun” thing we should do this weekend is cause he didn’t freakin care–they were not fun to him. He doesn’t care what outfit our daughter wears or what color the new towels are or if we’re having spaghetti or meatloaf for dinner or if the house has been dusted that week. He cares about alot of great things, but not that stuff. However, that is the kind of stuff that women care very much about and for some reason feel compelled to get “feedback” from our men on.

    I would advise that you make a list of things that you really care about (and not the BS stuff like “you load the dishwasher incorrectly”) and want his input on and then present it to him for conversation. Maybe you’ll discover that you’re expecting too much from him and maybe he’ll realize just how much goes on in your brain and decide to help you alleviate some of that noise.

    And if you truly feel that your husband is so scatterbrained that he would leave your son in the car call day when he is at work, then certainly address that one right away. But if there’s a chance that you’re being overly dramatic then I would let that one go. I can only imagine how hurtful it would be to hear from your spouse that they think you would harm your own child out of negligence. That’s a freakin tough pill to swallow, so I’d be sure he needs to swallow it before handing it to him. I’m not sure I could forgive my husband for saying that to me.


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