March 24, 2009 at 9:17 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments

One of the biggest ways being Baby O’s mom has changed me is in planning.

Before parenthood, I had everything all planned out. We’d get pregnant, we’d have 2 kids, we’d get a dog, we’d live in our house where it would be summer all year long, we’d have plenty of money and time.

And leprechauns would dance on our beds every night, too.

Infertility made me realize that planning was silly. But it didn’t stop me from planning. Researching every contingency, preparing myself for the worst case AND best case scenario. Planning was my coping mechanism for a failed cycle. Well, we’d just try something different.

But then Baby O came. And all of a sudden, I had no control over ANYTHING. When I ate. When I slept. When I showered or used the bathroom, even.

So after a while, planning for much of anything started to seem silly.

But now, see. There are some things we HAVE to plan for. A bit, anyway.

Trying for mythical baby #2 is one of them.


Right now we’re on J’s insurance. Which has NO fertility coverage, since he works in New Hampshire.

And a couple of weeks ago, it just so happened to be the open enrollment for MY insurance. Which covers fertility treatments, since it’s mandated by the Commonwealth. But it’s more expensive, and would mean more outlay for us. I wasn’t sure if it was a good decision for us to switch if we didn’t plan on using it for treatments again.

So I mentioned to J that perhaps we should discuss when and if we wanted to think about trying again. Because we needed to switch our insurance if we planned on doing anything during this calendar year without paying a lot of money ourselves.

Now, see. I am SO not ready to consider trying again. I have no idea WHEN I’ll be ready to try again. I also don’t know how far I’m willing to go with ART this time either. But it took us two and a half years to get pregnant with Baby O. And, well, given the insurance situation, I thought it was worth a discussion.

I was not prepared for my husband’s lack of interest in discussing it.

Now see, J is different than me. He just doesn’t talk about something in which he’s not decided. He doesn’t find catharsis in going over his options out loud. What he does, instead, is ruminate in his own head until he has a decision.

Which, you know, isn’t the best way for two people to get on the same page. Particularly when one person is like me and WANTS it to be a discussion.

Not to mention that, as soon as we started discussing it, all the emotion from our years of trying (and failing) came back.

Ultimately, the issue caused us so much stress and friction that I made the executive decision that open enrollment be damned, we were NOT switching insurances this calendar year.

And honestly? As soon as the open enrollment deadline passed, so did the issue which had us arguing almost daily.

I will say. Knowing that we don’t have to make any PLANS this calendar year has been SUCH A RELIEF to me.

Because I am NOT ready to try again. I am NOT ready to deal with the blood draws. The doctor visits. The spiral of hope and fear. And all the MANAGING that goes along with it.


So no PLANNING. This calendar year, we’re focused on Baby O. Watching him grow and change. Being a family.

We’ll deal with the planning some other time.



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  1. Sounds like a great PLAN! 🙂

  2. I agree with Diana… the time will come and you both will be ready to talk about it!

  3. Sounds like a good plan to me 🙂

  4. I’m at the same place as you. I have no clue as to when the heck I’ll be ready to start trying again (we aren’t preventing, but that just makes me laugh and laugh to say that considering it took us 4 years to get pregnant) and if I will even consider doing ART if we try again. But I feel like we should talk about it – but I’m totally not ready to talk about it.

    Wow. That makes no sense. I like the plan to not plan to talk about it yet. LOL.

  5. i am so gald that you said that you aren’t ready to try again. it tells me that i need to calm down. i am already feeling the pressure. and i am still bfeeding for pete’s sake.
    go you.

  6. That’s a good plan. I think it would be hard to enjoy baby/toddler days while undergoing IF treatments. The book “The Long-Awaited Stork” discusses this and comes down on the side of not TTC again too soon — but that’s hard to NOT do, it seems.

  7. I think giving yourself the year to relax and enjoy is a fabulous idea! Its so stressful to think about TTC again. G and I have discussed this on and off as well. He wants to try sooner rather than later and me, well, I’d rather not. I would love to wait until Lemy is at least 2, but I don’t see that happening.

  8. Sounds like a sound plan. Sometimes making the decision is more painful than the decision itself.

  9. Just thinking about TTC again makes me tense up. I’m not ready either, and I think it’s hard to make a plan without knowing when you’ll actually be ready. Or maybe one never feels completely ready and just jumps in knowing in theory they want 2 kids? Haha, I clearly don’t have all the answers 🙂 But I like the idea of just enjoying things as they are now, for a while.

  10. I like the no-plan, plan 🙂
    Enjoy your time with O.

    However, coming from somebody who used ART for #2, it’s different. It’s not the all consuming mess that it was the first time around. At least for me. I found myself being able to roll with the process. Granted for me it was inj/IUI and not IVF, but it was still lots of trips to the clinic and having to schedule it during the day so that K would be in daycare. It’s just, for me, having K to come home to helped immensely. It was no longer the all or nothing that we felt while ttc #1.

  11. I like the no-plan plan.
    I’m a super crazy planner, and (although insanely impossibly difficult) sometimes it’s just easier to have no plan at all 🙂

  12. I was quite the planner too. I guess I still am. I have a back up plan for my back up plan. And, we ( mostly me) decided that Madelyn will be an only child. IVF was such a fight between us to begin with that I can’t imagine trying to go through that again. Not to mention all the possibilities IVF brings. So, we’re both at peace with one child. She is one more than we ever thought we’d have. And once we said that aloud…I completely felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. So, you deciding not to do anything this year is, I imagining, a huge weight lifted too.

  13. Sounds like a good plan to me too.

  14. Taking the time to enjoy baby O and each other sounds like a fabulous plan.

  15. Hi! new poster here for ICLW, saw this post on Mel’s blog. I am glad that you were able to make the right decision for yourselves and feel good about it. Our son (from IVF#2) will be one in May and we are thinking about number 2. I am unexplained so there is a *chance* it could happen naturally so we’re going that route for now. Told myself I wouldn’t do ART until 2010 but I am not so sure about that decision. It’s just hard to plan when you really can’t!

    Have a great weekend-

  16. Hi, I’m here because of Mel’s blog, first time visitor. Congrats on your pregnancy, and I’m sorry that planning for #2 has to be so painful.

    On a side note, can I just say how much it SUCKS that planning out one’s life is so dependent on the policies of private for-profit insurance companies?! My husband and I have the same problem, we have a once-a-year shot to decide what we want to do in the next year so we can pick our insurance plan. I mean, what if you decide 6 months from now that you’re ready to talk about baby #2 again? Your husband’s insurance just says no! It’s very unfair that the insurance system we have makes it even harder for infertiles to try to deal with these issues.

    Thanks for letting me vent! It’s good to know that you reached a decision that has provided you with such a feeling of relief.

  17. If my life experiences have taught me anything, it’s that even if I make a plan, I plan for that plan to be demolished.

  18. Oh my goodness he does that too? I’m glad I’m not the only one. It is so freakin’ annoying when they won’t discuss things like that.

    Anyway, it looks like you got through just fine despite. I am also not rushing to go through it all again, so I can hear you there.


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