Identity.

May 31, 2009 at 7:30 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 33 Comments

My lack of posting lately has been a function of a bunch of things.

Mostly I’m really busy at work right now, and I barely have time to blow my nose, let alone post.

But I’m having a rough go of the blogging thing lately too.

Part of me wants this blog to be a chronicle of Baby O’s life, and my life as a parent. I mean, I can tell you that Baby O is walking back and forth between J and I – he started this on Memorial Day weekend – but isn’t brave enough to use walking as his method of locomotion yet. Or maybe it’s that he just wants to go fast – and the best way to do that is either crawl or hoodwink J or I into holding his fingers while he runs, giggling the whole time.

I can tell you, too, that he is bottle free, and the rules we’ve started to enact around the bink usage (i.e. just in the car or in his crib), seem to be going okay. (So far, anyway.)

I can tell you how he’s discovered his “K” sound. So everything that rolls is a “kah.” And his favorite word at meals is “kah-ka.” Even if he’s eating pasta, not goldfish.

Or how he leans his head on my chest when he’s tired, or shy, or just in need of a mommy hug.

I’m happy. I’m so over the moon in love with my son that I don’t know how to express it. I love everything about him. I LIVE for the weekends, when I see him. I leave work on my nights for pickup exactly at 5pm without guilt.

Before I had him, I was never really able to live in the here and now. And now? I am loathe to look ahead, in the fear that I’ll miss something.

And see, that’s where I’m torn about this blog. I KNEW that it would change when I got pregnant with Baby O. And early on, when I was tired and exhausted and overwhelmed, I knew that there was something in what I was doing. Blogging honestly about being a mom after infertility. That was my niche.

But now that I’m happy? I suppose I’m having a hard time writing about it. Partly because I want to savor every moment; draw it up inside me and bask in it.

There’s also guilt, yeah. There’s an element of feeling like I’m chanting “nyah na na na na na!” while monkey dancing on the playground. Little, but it’s there.

But mostly it’s that infertility seems like a bad dream I had a long time ago. And where it’s given me a keen sense of empathy for people who are struggling on their journey, it’s not my identity anymore. I can’t be bitter at the people who ask me if we’re planning our next. I have no idea how far I’m even willing to go for another, I am so content with just Baby O that I think if we never managed to get pregnant again, we’d be okay.

And so I’m not really sure where I fit anymore. Because I do believe the IF community deserves better than a blogger who goes off and rubs it in everyone’s face that she’s a mom and is so happy and thrilled, and wow isn’t she lucky, now will she just shut the fuck up already?

Anyway. That’s the reason for my silence. I’m struggling with shutting down this blog versus sticking it out. Because I love this community, and I love blogging, and I don’t want to fade into memory like so many others have.

I just don’t know where I go from here, that’s all.

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33 Comments »

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  1. I thinkt he IF community needs blogs like ours. They show that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I read many parenting after infertility blogs when I was TTC and they helped me realize that what I was going through would be worth it — if I could just keep going…

    Personally, I would hate to see you stop blogging. I love your voice and hearing about Baby O.

    And I am so frustrated by the bloggers that I followed for years on their TTC journey and then when they brought home their bundle stopped writing. I still want to know about their lives — having a baby should be the goal, not the end, in the IF blogosphere.

  2. No, no, no, no! You can shut down your blog! That’s like shutting down the ac in the heat! We love to hear about Baby O and you give IF’rs hope for the future. Now that I’m on the other side, it’s nice to hear your perspective as a mom too. My blog started as an IVF support blog and has turned in to a blog about my DD! Both sides want to hear from you! You have such great perspective about how to balance it all!

  3. I won’t have it. I just won’t.

    I feel like I know your family and I can’t have you disappearing on me. I’ve been reading your blog for years.

    I think that the infertility tree has a branch for us – for those of us who have moved on, who aren’t in treatments.

    Those of us parenting after infertility can band together and hang out on a limb. Don’t leave us. I need infertiles to go to about parenting. I’m not ready to deal with fertile parents just yet.

  4. I say that you just blog honestly. It’s good to see stories come full circle. There are those of us who are just as lonely on the other side, who have stayed after parenting, who want to read others like us…Mommy bloggers but with the past of not being super!duper!fertile!, too.

  5. I definitely understand where you’re coming from on this, but Jamie’s last paragraph said it all for me. One of my frustrations about many IF bloggers is seeing them disappear after they get their happy ending. In a completely selfish way, I feel like I offered my support during the difficult times, and I feel like should have the opportunity to rejoice with them in the happy times, but many times I don’t get that chance.

    Just like your life has changed immensely in the past few years, it makes sense that the target/focus of your blog would, too. Does that mean you might lose many IF readers? Possibly. But it means that the people you do have left reading including many wonderful people who want to share with you the trials and tribulations of parenting after IF. It’s sort of like how after you’re married, many of your friends shift to couples instead of singles who go out and party on the weekends. You went through that single time, too, and it was an important part of your life, but your life changed and with it changed those you associated with. Similar thing here.

    For me, my blog is essentially my virtual baby book for DD. I love having a place to share all those wonderful stories — even if it’s just me who finds them funny/amusing/sweet — and where I can revisit later to reminisce. You could try making a similar shift, too, while still being honest and open about your experiences as a mom, and see where it takes you. Maybe to be more comfortable with that, a change of blog address is in order. Incidentally, serenityparenting.wordpress.com is available. πŸ™‚

    But ultimately you have to decide whether what you get out of blogging is at least equal to what you put in. Good luck! I just want to say that even though you and I chat every day and I might already know what your topic is going to be, I still look forward to your posts. πŸ™‚

    D

  6. Please don’t shut down this blog. While I’m relatively a new reader (maybe about 9 months) I immensely enjoy reading about yours, your hubby’s and Baby O’s exploits.
    I think everyone else who has commented previously has pretty much summed it up for me – IF’s need people like you – you have made it to the otherside. Also, I think it’s incredibly important to show people that parenthood is the same for everyone – hard work, incredibly rewarding, uplifting, but also that it can be a lonely time, with sorrow and tears and so much tiredness! I think that sometimes when we dream of something for so long (in this case a baby) we idealise it and once we get what we want, when it turns out that its not all Huggies Nappies ads, and puppy dogs, its a shock! And can really make us question ourselves and our abilities – or lack there of. You’ve had your fair share of trials and tribulations, tears and problems and I think that by sharing them with us all, it helps others to prepare for the real world after IF.
    I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I hope you get the jist of what I mean.
    In any case, I would be very sorry to see you leave.
    I know its not the same, but maybe a change of scenery as far as your blog goes might help?? A new layout etc.

  7. Jamie said all the things I wanted to say=)

    As you know, you and I went through an IVF cycle at the same time–and Im SO happy you have your baby O, and mine just a year behind you. How special…

    And I also agree with what Heather said about the branch–I really value having other moms after IF blogging–its a great way to keep us all connected through the entire journey.

  8. I love reading your thoughts. Thank you for sharing. Thank you so much.

  9. I have been lurking around your blog for a year and a half now and would really miss reading about your adventures in parenting if you were to stop. I was going through my IF treatments when I found your blog and have continued reading throughout your pregnancy and my own. Baby O is a few months older than my twin daughters and I love seeing what’s to come. I know it is hard to balance ourselves ore and post baby but I really appreciate your perspective. Your blog is one of the first places I visit on my morning rotation. All the best to you and your family.

  10. I’ve only just started to find things to blog about, feeling the same way. But most of us IF bloggers eventually become parents, one way or another – or decide that being childless is the right option. We all move on and evolve. I know I stopped following some people when they had kids, but others, like you, I follow to see how they parent. I see commonalities and want to watch your family’s story unfold. So even if it is just now and again – I love reading about you and baby O. πŸ™‚

  11. I’ve never thought you’ve rubbed parenting in anyone’s faces. I can’t say that about some blogs.

    I think a lot of people do find inspiration in sheer happiness after becoming parents. That doesn’t mean everyone does, of course.

    Sometimes I wonder whether I would have felt better prepared for parenting if I had read more parenting-after-IF blogs instead of tuning them out!

  12. I would miss you if you disappeared.

    I think the previous comments have really said it all. I see no reason why your blog cannot change as your life does. You are not beholden to us. We choose to read your story. If someone is in a space where they honestly can’t stand to hear about a fellow IFer who made it out the other side and is brave enough to tell the truth about motherhood, warts ‘n all, well, then they’ll stop reading. And that’s ok. Because I bet there will be lots of other people who still do want to read.

    You know I’m in a really dark place at the moment. You give me hope. You give me strength to keep trying. I think the fact that IF now feels like a bad dream you had a long time ago is WONDERFUL. I can’t wait to feel like that too.

    Please keep writing.

  13. Others have said it much better. It is good to hear from people who have “made” it. You are also a very honest person about the struggles of being a first time parent. I find that refreshing.

    I sometimes worry about how my blog is received in the infertile world. Especially as one who has Secondary IF, and who did not have to struggle as hard as so many others I have seen. But, I find most people understand that I am not flaunting my fortune and I do support them through their journey…so I think it works out in the end.

    I agree with others…I hate it when IFs just disappear–I am a sucker for a happy ending (with or without children)!!

  14. I have 2 blogs. One is about knitting (many may think this is lame, but it’s ‘my thing’). I started it over 5 years ago just to document what I was knitting, things I saw that I’d like to knit and other crafty projects. I’m often searching through my archives for the name of a sweater pattern, or if I liked using a different yarn… and that is how I’m trying to view my IF blog. Yes. I had fertility issues. Yes I got pregnant. And had a baby. And his is wonderful and being a mom is everything I ever dreamed it would be. I want to have a place where I can remember that when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Cam I wanted a ticker tape fertility parade (ha.) or that he figured out how to hit the button on his Rainforest TV and ran the batteries out in one night…. the blog is for you and your memories as much as it is for others.

    Rejoice in the joy.

  15. I think it’s wonderful that you’re happy. And yet happiness doesn’t mean life is perfect 24/7. I personally enjoy reading about your challenges and successes as Baby O’s mom and I hope you keep blogging πŸ™‚

  16. Yours is the first ALI blog that I found and it was totally an accident. I’ve been reading (and mostly lurking) for at least two years now and would really miss hearing about you and O if you shut things down. I think it is pefectly fine to transition your blog as your life experiences change. If people still in the throes of IF have a hard time reading, they can chose to read elsewhere but as others have said the parenting after IF blogs also provide hope.

  17. Your life has changed, so can your blog. I know you know this. The other thing that you need to ask is, what are you getting out of blogging? When dealing with IF, what I get out of blogging is support and help while I gave the same help and support back. Parenting blogs are very similar. Look at all the parenting after IF readers you have. They are here to give you support and listen to your stories about Baby O. Otherwise? We wouldn’t read. Your readership has/will change but is that a bad thing? Not in my opinion. Also, look at all the great advice you have gotten from other mom’s in regards to some of your questions/struggles with parenthood.

    Finding the time is a whole different matter, but I will say that I will take a Serenity post once a month to no Serenity posts ever again πŸ™‚

  18. Stick around—change the focus or the name of your blog if you want to, but you’re obviously getting a lot out of writing, and people are getting a lot out of what you write.

  19. I have learned that our identity is something dynamic. We change, our lives change, blogs change!. We loved you then, we still love you now! STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. What Jamie said.

  21. See, I have a different sort of situation because I can still blog about my infertility sort of guilt free because of the DI situation…it leaves room for fears and situations that are still IF related. I do understand your dilemma though. I vote to NOT stop this blog because those of us who knew what you went through and share a lot of the fears and joys of parenthood would still love to keep up with you and O!

  22. I’m with Jamie too – there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and before I got to even glimpse the light myself, I saw through you and others that I COULD move on, that I COULD be happy, and I needed that, even if I couldn’t always read it. So selfishly now, I’m writing about whatever I want to, because it’s where I’m at, and it’s honest, and this blog is about me and where I’m at now – as should yours be. It’s very kind that you feel guilt but I don’t believe you have to – you earned your space and your happiness, and if it really feels like a time long ago, that’s got to be even more hope for those still in the trenches. or at least I ignorantly think so cuz it was for me. I needed sometimes to see there WAS life after this, and a good life to boot.

  23. i would miss baby O so much. please dont go….i love reading your blog!

  24. What they all said.

    1) You are a great writer. I am jealous
    2) It does give people hope and the very real side of parenting after infertility

    Please stay

  25. I’m right with you on this. I don’t feel very connected to my blog these days. But I don’t want to lose the connection to the community, that starting/maintaining it, brought me to . . .

  26. I can’t add much to what you or what others said. Just know I’ve struggled, and still struggle with my identity, too. I feel like the blog is such a part of my life the past four years that I can’t give up on it, but I also feel like – who cares now that the biggest drama is over? I still enjoy your blog. I tend to read those who were “with me” since, well, forever. πŸ˜‰

  27. Please, please don’t go…

    I can’t add much more than what everyone else has said, especially Delenn.

    I found your blog just after you had Baby O, and have really enjoyed your writing.

    You’ve never given me the feeling of rubbing your success in anyone’s face.

    ((HUGS))

  28. I changed the name of my blog after Lily was born. I felt like a new blog was born too! Instead of starting over, I changed the name of the blog for a fresh start.:)

  29. Sorry–I was away for a few days. My vote, if you haven’t decided yet, is stay. Please. You were one of my first blogs. And I would be very sad if you went. You owe me nothing, but I just had to speak my heart.

    I do think the transition is hard and perhaps if we all thought of our blogs as simply a diary of our life, a diary that sucks in certain people at certain times, we’d be happier. We’d stop thinking of ourselves in terms of a category and allow others to place their own film over our words. You are an ALI blogger because infertility was part of your experience. But you can also change and grow and bring in new people and sometimes lose others. You’ll always have me as a reader regardless of whether this changes into a food blog or a book blog or a parenting blog. I connected with YOU. And you bring that with you regardless of where you travel next; the people you’ve touched with your words.

  30. The people who don’t want to hear about parenting (like me) simply don’t read your blog. So don’t stop blogging for our sake. We self select.

    I’m sure a lot of people connect with parenting after IF. I think it is a useful point of view — some parents don’t know how grateful some people are to have children. If a fertile-myrtle mommy blogger finds your blog and can understand the preciousness of their child a little bit more, then you’ve done your duty.

    So don’t stop blogging because of those that are left behind. Only stop blogging if you don’t want to blog any more. Your blog isn’t hurting anybody and I’m sure it’s helping plenty.

  31. Coming late to this but joining the chorus of hoping you will stick around. I think that parenting after IF blogs do have value – both to other moms in the same position – it is different to the regular mommy world – and to prove that people can come out the other side and be happy and sad and every other emotion too. People change so blogs can change too. I have lots of blogs on my reader where people may post sporadically with months in between but even so I keep track. Its like having old school friends – you see news a couple of times a year and you are happy to see it and pleased stuff is going ok. If it is more great, if not then that’s fine too.

  32. Hey there…just checking in to see how you’re doing. Hope you’re feeling better and are just busy enjoyig life πŸ™‚

    *hugs*

  33. possibly even enjoyiNg life πŸ˜‰


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