Changes.

June 9, 2009 at 9:19 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 22 Comments

Changes are afoot at chez Serenity Now. (My blog home, that is.)

I’ve spent most of the past week ruminating on what it is I want out of this blog. Because this space is important to me.

For almost four years now (FOUR years!), it’s been my space to vent and work through things and find my own personal Zen.

The issue I’m having is that though I’m very open about our infertility in my real life, whenever I talk about it (usually in response to someone who asks me when we’re planning another baby), I get the impression that my honest answer (“I have no idea. Baby O was an invitro baby, so really it all depends on when we feel like seeing a doctor again.”) stops people in their tracks.

TMI, I suppose.

But then I come here, and try and blog, and remind myself that I’m infertile. And write the things I wonder if the community actually wants to read. And it’s hard. Because I find myself re-writing posts in my head, becoming more apologetic with each draft, and finally just keeping it saved in my “drafts” folder instead of publishing it.

Because, see. The day that Baby O was born I sort of made my peace with our IF. Because if we were fertile, we wouldn’t have HIM. We’d have some other person, and I’m sure I’d love him or her just as much as I love Baby O.

But it wouldn’t be him.

And that thought? Moves me to tears most of the time.

Because he’s so amazing. And I love him so much.

And that’s where I struggle – feeling as if I were stuck between two worlds.

Thing is, first and foremost, I am a PARENT. And there’s lots of challenges that go along with it.

So I think that’s where this blog is going. Fully embracing parenting. Yeah, it’s parenting after infertility. But it’s parenting, first and foremost.

So look for some changes in the coming weeks. I think I could use a fresh start – a new look to the blog.

But mostly? I promise I’ll be freer with my posts. With both the good and the not-so-good.

Stay tuned.

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22 Comments »

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  1. Looking forward to it…..

  2. I feel that same exact way. I’ve tried to explain it so many times, the fact if I didn’t go through IF, I wouldn’t have HIM (and in my case HER and HER too). Sure, I’d have other kids I’d love just as much and couldn’t imagine life without, but I wouldn’t have these exact kids.

    I’ll be reading …

  3. I am looking forward to it. I love your writing and can’t wait to see what you have in store for us.

  4. I think this is a good move.

    Here’s the way I look at it. When you were struggling with IF, you always said to me that you didn’t want IF to take over your life, that you didn’t want it to win. So making peace with being past that phase of your life is yet another way of showing IF that it did NOT claim you. It was a part of your identity at the time and in fact help you get through that period since you found a great community of women who understood. I don’t think that moving on does a disservice to anyone involved. It just shows how fluid life is.

    D

  5. Happily waiting for your parenting posts.

  6. Sweetie, you said perfectly what I feel everyday!! Hugs to you, and I will be here looking forward to everything you say!!

    Rebel

  7. I’ve never thought of it that way – that you wouldn’t have HIM. I like that thinking.

    And bring on the parenting vents:-)

  8. I feel the same way about Willow. I often look at her and think–“It’s my Amazing Science Baby!” And yes, I do the same thing in RL about how she was conceived (mostly in relation to the age gap with her brother) and yes, I get the same reaction.

    Glad you are going to continue, look forward to following you on your journey.

  9. I’m looking forward to it.

    This blog should be first and foremost for YOU. We just get to read. You shouldn’t have to self-censor to suit your audience.

    It gives me so much hope to know that you feel you’re leaving that IF part of your life behind. I need to trust that I can feel like that one day.
    T.

  10. Do what you do. Screw apologetic. Really.

    And I say that goes with real life, too. My motto is that if my children’s beginings (both the adoption and the IVF) make you uncomfortable, well, you shouldn’t have asked, should you? If you don’t want to hear about IVF and birthparents and frozen embryos and sperm and open adoption and different kinds of family, you probably should keep your nose in your own business! 😀

    Here, though, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. People come for the most part because you had a story…and your story is something people will want to continue to hear, no matter what it is.

    Good luck!

  11. wow, I am soooooo glad you wrote this. You know one of the reasons I stopped blogging was because I couldn’t walk that line between feeling so IF shi**y and feeling like OMG I HAVE TWINS?!. Now what should I write about.

    Here’s what I feel…I know that without IVF I wouldn’t have Gio and Jacob, I might even have Gio and Jacob seperately but they wouldn’t be twin brothers and all the stuff that comes with it, it wouldn’t have been a lot of things. So I “get” what you’re saying.

    I also made my peace with MY OWN IF, but if I’m honest not with everyone else’s. IF still annoys me, still pisses me off, still makes me cry for other people and even when I look at G & J and they are not tearing my house apart. HA. I’m still praying for other people to get a miracle, still standing on my soapbox in Walmart telling people to get a clue about it might take a “village” to bring babies to you today and get over their bias. I am still outspoken and fierce about those things. But I am also softer about children and I can be around newborns and smell them, hold them…remember what it was like when they weren’t squirming to get away from me.

    sorry I hijacked this, BUT I wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel and can’t wait to read YOU,,,,for real..the good, the bad, the mother, the working woman, the wife. Because she’s AWESOME and RELEVANT and A good friend ….no matter what kind of day she’s having. 🙂

  12. Good for you! I can’t wait to read your upcoming posts! 🙂

  13. Awesome post.
    Can’t wait to read more about your adventures with J and Baby O.

  14. Glad to hear this. I love reading your writing, so I’m glad you’ll continue to write about whatever you’re feeling. When I started reading IF blogs I was in the trenches, and now I have a baby, and most of the bloggers I have been reading all along do too. I know others reading your blog are still working on it, but I think the truth is your readers change too. And if you lose some, don’t worry.

  15. Yay!! I’m glad you are sticking around!

  16. Welcome back!

    Rosany

  17. So glad you are hanging around, I have lots to learn from you 🙂
    No doublt you will lose some readers but you will gain some too !

  18. Looking forward to the next stage of this blog!

  19. delurking after a long time of following you to say that I am excited to see the changes at the blog! I can only imagine the conflict you feel when posting about baby O on what started as an infertility blog (since I am not cool enough to blog 🙂 )….but am happy that you’ve decided to accept where you are now, and fill us in on some more adventures in parenting your adorable son!

    p.s. (regarding today’s post) my daughter’s favorite toy is a red spoon….no matter the expensive wooden toys. all she wants are measuring cups and spoons. lessons learned, I suppose.

  20. I’m the same way with the girls… parenting after IF is such an existentialist experience!

    SO glad you’re sticking around. : )

  21. 🙂

  22. I’m glad you found it in you to continue on. I pretty much know what the internal dialogue was like in your head as I’ve had it several times myself for the past few months.

    I like your response to people who think its their business to know your family plan. Busy bodies. Pffft.


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