Wish.

August 27, 2009 at 8:59 am | Posted in Infertility, Mythical #2 | 19 Comments

Of COURSE it takes me days to sift through all the crap I’ve been thinking and come to a clear, crystal edged point.

That, my friends, is why I blog.

So I finally figured out that my issue with trying for another kid has nothing to do with not being ready for another baby. Or another pregnancy.

On the contrary, if I found out tomorrow I was pregnant, I’d be over the moon. I’d of course worry about how it was going to all work out, but my overwhelming feeling would be utter happiness.

So my feeling about wanting another has everything to do with not wanting to go back to a doctor.

Because I am finally HAPPY. I love being O’s mom. I love everything about my life right now.

And I THOUGHT that I had finally made my peace with infertility. Because if we hadn’t been infertile, we wouldn’t have O. We’d have someone else. Who I am POSITIVE I’d love in the same way I love O.

But it wouldn’t be him.

Then I think about the idea of trying for another. And I go back there. That place.

Where I get bitter that it can’t be about me, and J, and creating a sibling for O.

It doesn’t work that way for us. It requires a visit to the doctor. To discuss at length my cycles post O. And cycle day 3 bloodtest. And then another HSG – because I’m sure Dr. HIT will want to be able to visualize Ute NOW, after she’s septum-free AND stretched out after a pregnancy.

And J will have to go, too – drive all the way the hell to Boston to do his thing for an analysis.

And then there will be the drugs. The estrogen pills. The patches. The monitoring of my lining. All while coordinating who does dropoff and pickup at daycare.

And then the transfer. Which J might be able to be at, but maybe not, depending on when it is and where O needs to be. So it’s entirely possible that I could get pregnant WITHOUT HIM BEING THERE.

And see, that’s where it falls apart for me.

Because I STILL WISH it could be different.

I wish that the only thing I’d have to coordinate and DECIDE is whether I’m as ready as I can be for another baby and having s.ex during the time where I’m ovulating.*

So really, what it boils down to is the fact that right now I don’t actually want to GO BACK there.

To that place where I have to use a third party in order to make a baby. To that place where I get USED to the blood draws, and the ultrasounds, and the stirrups. Because that was our NORMAL.

And that’s the part that sucks, the part I wish was different.

Which is funny – in a ironic sort of way. Because now that O’s here, IT DOESN’T MATTER how he got here. I love him THE SAME WAY as my best friend J loves her daughter, who was conceived without doctor assistance.

I’m a mom. He’s my son. And it doesn’t MATTER that I had to take shots and get monitored and have embryologists create him by injecting a sperm into one of my eggs.

He’s amazing, and awesome, and I’m so lucky to be his mom.

And I know that likely I’ll feel the SAME WAY about a sibling, should we be lucky enough to get pregnant again.

But at the same time?

I still wish that it was different.

And what it boils down to is this.

I wish we weren’t infertile.

And I suppose that will never go away.

________________

*My caveat: by saying this by no means do I assume that it’s EASY for EVERYONE. This is NOT a diss on fertiles. It’s just a wish for something that we can’t have.

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  1. I’m not infertile and I get what you are saying. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t totally get it, but it sounds exhausting, and complicated and kind of heartbreaking. I wish it was easier for you too!

    Just wondering if you have considered adoption? The only reason I ask is that I’m a RSW and I do adoption assessments. It’s also not an easy process and it too takes time but maybe it would not be so triggering? Sorry, I hope that is not offensive!

    Oh, don’t lurk so much, comments are a good thing!

  2. I hear ya hon. I so hear you.

  3. you know, I know exactly what you mean. it’s not about Getting PG, because honesly I would be soooo surprised if I woke up tomorrow and you told me I was Pg…because there is no way I would believe that it’s possible for us. That’s not “normal” for us you know?

    so while I wouldn’t be sad, I will never go back there. Now I know that me having the twins, means that I have 2 and I should be satisfied blah, blah, blah. But don’t think that I don’t think about another little boy or a little Rachael…I just can’t go back to shots and anxiety and hope being squashed month after month while I try to enjoy the two little boys that are here.

    So I totally get where you are and why you might not be able to try…but I’m here to tell you to go ahead and do it anyway. Because we’re right here, to support and calm, to cheer and cry if you need it. Infertile or not, it’s a place that’s scary to go , but if you’ve got people there with you…well it looks a lot better.

    HUGS

  4. Your series of posts this week has been very timely for me and has articulated my own crazy jumble of thoughts on this subject perfectly. Like you, I actually had a uterine septum (one that had to eventually be resected via an abdominal metroplasty because it was too massive to do hysteroscopically)…then went through IVF 3 times (including a missed miscarriage from attempt #2) before bringing home our little boy who is almost 13 months old now. We want to try to have a sibling for him, but the odds of it happening without going back to the clinic are pretty slim, and the idea of jumping back into another IVF cycle right now brings up a lot of emotions. I particularly identify with your wish that it were different for us, and that we would not have to do all of this just to provide a sibling for our son. At the same time, of course, there is the worry about being greedy almost, when I know so many other women who are still struggling to have child #1. Ugh.

    And yet…I always tell people that the end result was worth every single blood draw and surgery and injections and dreaded two-week-waits and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if I knew that it would lead us to where we are now. I know I will eventually be in the right place to go forward again and hope that we can bring home another baby, whether via another fresh cycle or FETs or whatever. But I so terribly wish I did not have to go down this road at all, still.

  5. I’ve been lurking on your blog for some time but I don’t think I’ve ever commented before. I’m also thinking about #2 and even though I know going through all the stirrup time and shots will be a distant memory if we’re lucky enough for it to work again, I still dread going through it because it reminds me again how hard this has to be for us infertiles.

  6. I understand.

    What a perfect way of explaining it.

    ((HUGS))

  7. Boy, do I understand. We made the decision to go ahead with treatment again. And doctors again. And all the crap that entails again. But it sure has sucked at times.

    I wish we weren’t infertile, either.

  8. I have really appreciated your posts this week. We’re heading back to the clinic in the fall for a FET. You would think I might worry about whether it will work, etc. etc. Oh no. What I have spent the last little while chewing over is this- that if we get pregnant and have a baby…we then have to do the entire thing all over again.

    I would rather remain childless than only end up with one baby- I have two sisters who are my best friends and my dearest companions, and I cannot fathom life as an only child (I’m positive there are loads of onlies out there who are happy as clams- it’s just how I see things).

    So when I think about the clinic and the FETs (which I can be excited about because they will not be stressful and invasive in the same way the IVF was and I will not have to go crazy from stims), I’m also thinking that if this does work…I have to go through it all again.

    And I want my kids close in age. But I’m very aware of how much time I’ve needed away from the clinic just to recover from this IVF. So I’ve been wondering how and when I’ll manage to be ready to front up for it all.

    I think it’s all come to a head because I have a suspicion that I ovulated while on vacation. Which, if it is true, would be the first time I’ve done so without medical assistance since…oh a decade or so ago. And that just made me realize all over again how unfair this entire situation is, and made me contemplate that our merry-go-round doesn’t end with that first baby…it just lets us off for a couple of circuits.

    I wish I wasn’t infertile too. So thanks for posting all of this- it has really struck a chord.
    T.

  9. I’ve often thought about how strange it is that we conceived all our children with Jay standing next to me. You know how they have license plate rings that say stupid things like “firemen do it with big hoses”. We need license plate rings that say “infertiles do it with ultrasound” or “infertiles do it one standing up, the other in stirrups”.
    Even more graphically, “infertiles do it in a threesome–me, you and the doc”. SIGH. I know it’s awful. I think I hated the thought of all the painful stuff more than anything else. But like you say, it’s the outcome that matters. Nothing else.
    Elle

  10. This is a great post! Thank you! I found your blog from the “I saw Funny People and What it Taught Me about MFI” over at Mel’s site. It’s interesting and scary for me to think about what it might feel like to try ART for TTC #2…but, most of all, it makes me hopeful that there will one day be a TTC #2 one day, when we’re ready! So, Thank you!

    And, (((HUGS))

  11. I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately myself — in fact my recent post is running a parallel. Will it ever stop bothering me that other people have sex to get pregnant, and I get shots and turkey basters? I don’t think so. Not ever. Less and less over time, I imagine. But I have lost something I will never get back, and that’s just the way it is.

  12. I get it.

  13. Yes. Totally. Yes.

    Bea

  14. I’m going to e-mail you back regarding the e-mail you sent me the other day, but I’m so darn tired these days!! Soon!!

    There’s no rule that says you have to even want another baby. Or correction, have to want to go back and get treatment. If you only want O, or maybe I should phrase it that you don’t want treatment more than you want another baby I don’t think anyone would blame you. There is NOTHING wrong with only wanting one child after all you’ve been through. That wouldn’t be to say that its not worth it to have a baby…obviously it is, look at your gorgeous boy!!…but being gunshy would be a normal reaction. Heck its nerve wracking enough going back to having babies after a previous pregnancy…but having to go through all you’ve been through to even get pregnant, wow…I’d dread that too. And I’ve never been there so my “imagining” what its about can’t even slightly come close to the actual feelings.

    My dearest friend here is infertile and adopted her daughter. And for various reasons(you can only adopt one “newborn” baby through the state, older children can come with a whole new set of issues) she has decided to keep her daughter as an only child. As much as she would love another, and an older child would be just fine(even a preference!!!) she doesn’t want to risk bringing that childs possible issues into their home, because it may adversly affect her daughter. And I don’t blame her. She has to look out for her current family situation…adding a much desired child into the mix could really mess with her family dynamics.

    Just enjoy Baby O for now, and see how you feel later. If you are enjoying O so much…just keep doing that. 6 months can make a huge difference in your thinking. 12 months can make more of a difference. Maybe the decision will sort itself out in your mind. How does your hubby feel about it? I know its mostly your body that goes through it, but…what is his opinion?

  15. This exact issue torments me on a daily basis. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve gone back and forth so many times from “we’re not even going to try. This is it. We will only have one.” to.. “we really want a sibling for Ruby, we have to do this again.” And then all the other things in between.

    There is so much to this, I have struggled to put it into words. You said it well.

  16. Right there with you. We are currently in a 2ww for #2 and let me tell you, as easily as I slipped back into the routine of shots and blood draws, I was resentful as hell that it had to be that way. We had a moment of panic where we weren’t sure we could arrange childcare for the day of the IUI and I was pondering that exact issue–was I really going to have to contemplate getting pregnant while my husband wasn’t even in the same building?

  17. A broken record maybe–but I am in the list of those who have tried to put all these same thoughts into words. I just dont know how I could handle all the appts and shots again…it makes me so tired to think about it. But how do I ever rule it out…time is not on my side, either. *sigh*
    Thanks for posting these thoughts–so many of us can nod our head all the way through…

  18. Have been out of town and am just catching up on all your thoughts.
    Leaves me wondering: are you inside my brain??
    I hear you on everything. EVERYthing.
    I wish things on this front were “easy” and peaceful.
    Sigh.

  19. Oh, I know what you’re saying. EXACTLY.

    I remember wishing, wishing, wishing I would just get pregnant so I didn’t have to go through the whole IVF thing again. The tests, invasion of my body and privacy, blood draws, medication, shots, shots, shots, the NOT KNOWING, the pressure… It’s all the same the second time around.

    I don’t know if this is typical, but I did find some comfort in my daughter (conceived from a previous cycle.) IVF was still something I didn’t want to do, but I felt more peace when I looked at her. I don’t know if that even makes sense.

    But it’s still so unfair. It’s funny how I can hate a process that has given me such miracles… Good luck with your decision.

    http://oakbriarfarm.blogspot.com/search/label/IVF


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