Dwelling on thoughts.

October 6, 2009 at 1:34 pm | Posted in motherhood, Mythical #2 | 13 Comments

It’s funny.

For me, personally, my thoughts hum all day.

That is, it’s very rare that I’m NOT actively THINKING about something.

For example.

I recently went to Dunkin Donuts and bought a hot coffee, since it was cold out and I wanted a warm drink. And I noticed that it was exactly $.40 LESS than my iced coffee.

I spent the rest of the drive to work, wondering exactly why that was. Because an iced coffee is more process-intensive? Because the packaging costs more? Because iced coffee is more of a schmaltzy drink, instead of a regular hot cuppa joe?

I mean. Literally. A HALF HOUR to work was consumed with wondering why it was that my hot coffee was $.40 less than my usual iced coffee.

So yeah.

A lot of times I’ll just zone out and let my thoughts take me from one thought to the next. Sometimes I’ll make note of something I find interesting, sometimes I just go with it.

It’s funny, then, to realize AFTER I wrote my last post, that “I want another baby” thoughts have been present in my daily life for a while.

Truly, until I wrote about it, I wasn’t really AWARE that I was thinking it. I mean, I had been joking with J about wanting another baby. Joking with friends about how ridiculous it seems that EVERYONE (literally almost everyone) in real life is pregnant right now. Joking that I need to have another baby because, you know, THAT one would sleep where O just doesn’t.

Then all of a sudden it wasn’t a joke anymore.

I’m pretty sure I’m crazy for thinking it. In fact, I can’t even THINK about what it would be like to have two because it completely overwhelms me and I want to run screaming.

J feels the same way, actually. To the casual observer, our discussions about doing another FET seem like estate planning. We have this feeling like “yep, it’s going to suck in the short term. Holy COW it’s going to suck.”

But, you know, suck in that GOOD way. Because we do acknowledge that there will be a lot of GOOD, too.

But it’s different. Because we know what’s in STORE. The sleep deprivation (times two!). The nursing. The bottle washing. The scheduling.

Chaos. Total utter chaos. Lots of love and upside. But chaos.

We’ve left it at this. We’ll see Dr. HIT in January and repeat all the tests, etc. And ideally we’d like to do a FET in February/March.

But that’s as far as we get.

And that’s okay.

After WORKING on mindfulness and living in the moment for so long, it’s really interesting to me that I’m in a place like this. Where, you know, I’m OKAY if we do a FET in February. Or if we freak out and decide we’re not ready and want to wait until the fall, too? Fine with me, too.

At the end of the day, we have our O.

And truly. I KNOW I say this all the time.

But he’s more than I ever thought I’d deserve. And every DAY, I get up and work to PROVE that I deserve to be his mom.

So ultimately, this noise of the thoughts, the desire for another baby and the immediate freak out that comes with it?

Really just is noise.

And so I think we’ll just ride it out.

And see what happens come January when we see Dr. HIT again.



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  1. Oh wow, that is a MAJOR!!!!!!!!! good luck and i ahve my fingers crossed

  2. I’m the same way – I’m constantly thinking about SOMETHING. Even if it isn’t really worth my time.

    I am often jealous of BigP because I truly believe it isn’t this way for me. They have quiet.

    We keep saying we are going to try again in January because logically it makes sense but there is that part of me that doesn’t care. We have Katherine and I don’t want to miss out on her worrying about January about a possibility when I have something concrete right in front of me. That said, I’m going to go play now.

  3. I constantly THINK-my mind rarely takes a break and I know that drives my husband nuts. For example I’m now thinking about that coffee thing-I would think that iced should be cheaper because you seem to get less coffee because of the ice…

    Anyway, thinking of you as we reach the same place with jumping back on the rollercoaster!

  4. I hope things are easier this time around for you when you start up in January. Wish you all the best!!

    Also, I worked at Starbucks and the reasoning there for the higher iced price is that we’d double the amount of coffee grounds when making iced coffee so it’s more concentrated, thus, more expensive.

  5. Sounds like a good plan, Serenity. Although life is very hectic (and sleep deprived) right now, I LOVE that I & N have each other. Love it love it love it. : )

  6. I read somewhere that one of the reasons there are tension between men and women, is because women tend to multitask thinking. And that is totally me…I am always thinking about multiple things at once. And my husband–uh, not so much.

  7. Making the decision to try for another child is a HUGE decision. But I think it is especially trying when you know you will have to do IVF to achieve the outcome. IVF has many variables — will it work, will it not work? How much do you want to spend? What if you end up with twins (or more)? Then what?

    As you know, we made the leap back to treatments when Bo turned 1 and now I have two more. There are moments when I ponder what in the world I was thinking — but then I look at them — and I know…

    We each have our own path and while I know I would have been happy with just Bo, this is what our life was meant to be. And yes, it will be ridiculously hard for the next few years. I am sure there will be many days when I just want to jump off a cliff. But in the long run — 20 years down the line — I feel confident that I’ll be sure that I made the right choice.

  8. Have you read The Tipping Point? I feel like (at least for me) the whole issue of #2 is going to be like that. I’ve been thinking-but-not-really-thinking for a while. Right now I oscillate between thinking we should just go for it, and sheer terror. But I have this sense that any one thing could throw me into full-fledged ‘let’s do this’ territory. (Of course, getting the husband on board will be a whole other ball of wax.)

    Wishing you continued peace with all these big decisions.

  9. Yay for you! Yay for going with the flow. It’s exciting, but like you say, if you decide to postpone, that’s yay-worthy too. Because you have an amazing family right now as it is. Anything (anyone) else will be icing on the cake. (Really cute, drooling, cooing icing).

  10. I think constantly about Everything. *but not about having another baby* 🙂
    glad that you and J are where you should be :together: on this and working toward Jan. Can’t wait to see what the new year brings for you.


  11. That sounds like a good step. I know it is easier to be relaxed about making a plan than about carrying it out, but I’m glad you’re starting that way. You have been mentioning “should I or shouldn’t I?” on this blog for awhile.

    And I know you’ve thought about this, but it won’t be as many steps this time as last, because you already know what the issues are, and you won’t start with having to diagnose a problem and having surgery. So I hope that helps a little. Good luck.

  12. Yay!

    I’m glad that you have come to some decision. Even if you decide to wait after seeing Dr. HIT.

    Nothing wrong with going with the flow…

  13. Wow, I could have written this post, only you did it so much better than I could have. I understand what you are saying so much. I’m not infertile, but I am a lesbian so while we don’t have as many hurdles, we still have to choose to have another child. And the want for it overwhelms me at times. My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and around the time she turned 2, I realized that I thought about having another child every single day! That was eye opening. But I too want more, I want a house full, and then I freak out over being able to manage it, and not just managing, but being happy, cause that is the point, right?! Anyway, I loved this post. Thank you so much for sharing.

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