On how we got our mojo back.

October 8, 2009 at 8:08 am | Posted in motherhood, My life | 10 Comments

So I sort of knew that it would happen, from hearing about it from all my friends with kids.

But truly.

I really wasn’t prepared for how different my marriage to J would be once I got pregnant.

Particularly as it relates to sex.

See. I was NOT one of those lucky women who had a sex drive while pregnant.

Pretty much the day before our positive beta, I was uncomfortable and not at ALL interested.

And then I was scared of doing something to screw up the pregnancy.

And then I was uncomfortable and not at ALL interested.

And then I had a c-section.

And then I was nursing.

And then we were chronically sleep deprived.

And then we were worried about waking him up. (Because, you see, our bed? Was on the OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL from his crib.)


At the end of it all, we’ve had more than 2 years of excuses for not being intimate on a regular basis.

And it was starting to affect our relationship. Like we were roommates, or just friends. We didn’t kiss. We didn’t touch. We didn’t hold hands. We scheduled our sex life… and made love like it was an item on our task list.

I would tell him “we need to go to bed now if you want to get laid.”

And we had to be in bed by 9 if there was any chance of ANYthing happening.

(I know. I am SUCH a romantic.)

So recently we decided to DO something about it.

We went away for an overnight for our anniversary last month.

And a couple weeks ago, I asked J to move our bed to the other side of the room.

And we made a sort of pact that we would work on our relationship a bit more.

And for the past few weeks, we have done so. Our conversations at dinner have become less about the STUFF we need to do, and more discussions on stuff we enjoy talking about.

We hold hands more. We hug more.

We kiss goodbye and hello.

And we’re more spontaneous about having sex.

And it’s GOOD.

It’s taken me 18 months to figure out how to balance the Mom Me with the Me Me with the Wife Me.

I mean, it helps that we have weeks where O sleeps through the night, too.

But becoming a mom changed me to the core. And I had to figure out exactly HOW to assimilate it into my identity. And figure out that I CAN balance being good to my son, my husband, AND myself.

Clearly it’s a work in progress. (And of course, now that we’ve figured this all out, we’re talking about adding MORE complexity to the mix.)

I never expected that it would take me as long as it did to find my bearings once we had O. Being a parent is HARD on a relationship. Harder than I ever thought it would be.

And it takes a lot of hard work to keep it healthy.

But it’s the best kind of work.



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  1. This gives me hope that it can come back one day.

  2. it is the best kind of work. I won’t tell you the last time we had sex (because It will make me sad) but I will tell you that we can laugh and joke about it, without it making “Us” sad. We know we’re tired, we know we’re not really interested at all, we know that even when we have the time, we’d rather sit on the couch and snuggle and “make out” but at least we’re ok with it for now. I am hoping for more sooner than later, but I am glad that it stopped affecting us alone and we made it a conversation that we can have and really talk about it.

    great post, everyone tells you about the “no more sex” but no one can explain it to you in a way that helps you understand, although you did a really great job. πŸ™‚

  3. and now you’re talking about having another kid?? *sigh* girl you’d better get it while you can πŸ˜‰

    and seriously…who ARE those women that get pregnant and want sex all the time? I think its a myth that men started to try and convince us that the “elusive horny preggo woman” actually exhists. Kind of like the Sasquatch. Which is kind of how lots of pregnant women look now that I think about it. Its a conspiracy I tell you. An all out lie.

    Anyway enjoy yourself πŸ™‚ How Serenity got her groove back has a nice ring to it!!

  4. It really is crazy how parallel our lives are sometimes. Yesterday I started writing a post about this same thing. Only our mojo or more specifically MY mojo is still missing. I haven’t posted it yet because I felt sort of silly talking about my sex life. Funny thing isn’t that a big part of what TTC is about(which is what my blog use to be about).

    This is encouraging and maybe now I’ll post mine. Thanks!

  5. Thank you for always talking about just what I’ve been thinking about. I’ve been trying to convince my husband to go on a “date” for about a month now. If it ever happens, it’s nice to know things can improve.

  6. Kudos to both of you for working on it! πŸ™‚

    And YAY for getting the mojo back!

  7. Great post!

    I’m reading “Love in the Time of Colic” — it is great. And I’m trying to get my mojo back — just switching to a more revealing underwear style has helped. I find that I have a hard time turning off my “mom ears” when we’re in bed, so sometimes we start things off in the shower, which is pretty awesome. : )

  8. good for you Serenity!

  9. I could have written this post!! In fact, I think I did. Did you read my diary?

  10. I’m so glad to hear it’s possible to get that mojo back. Like everyone else who commented before me, we have been in very much the same place. We do try to do date nights, but that’s about the most we’ve accomplished. We need to stop eating dinner at 8pm in front of the TV. And we need to get better about leaving work at work. And watch less TV. Because our mojo is also lost, and we have been doing far too little work to relocate it.

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